Shady's obsession

23.

I'd started journaling to try and deal with my emotions, I still found it hard and every once in a while Justin would find a loophole and try to contact me. I felt lost and I felt confused, but I did have one constant in my life, and that was Marshall.

(Over the course of a month or two)

Journal entry:
I can't believe how kind Marshall has been to me. He's letting me stay in his guest room while I get back on my feet after leaving Justin. He's been so supportive, and I can't help but feel drawn to him. He's attractive, of course, but it's more than that. He cares for me in a way that Justin never did. Even when I'm drunk or sad, he's there for me. I feel safe here.

Journal entry:
Justin's been trying to contact me. I haven't told Marshall because I don't want to burden him. I stand by decision of not reported him but it's been hard, knowing that Justin is out there. I hope he doesn't find me here.

Journal entry:
I'm starting to worry that I might be in love with Marshall. It's crazy, I know. He's my best friend's dad, and he's been so kind to me. But I can't help the way I feel. I wish he would make a move, but I know that's impossible. I don't want to ruin our friendship or hurt Haillie.

Journal entry:
I can't believe how different my relationship with Marshall is compared to my relationship with Justin. With Justin, I barely ever felt safe or cared for. I remember one time he beat me so badly I couldn't leave the house for a week. But with Marshall, I feel protected and loved. It's strange, but I feel like I can trust him with anything.

Journal entry:
I don't know what to do about Marshall. I can't stop thinking about him, and it's driving me crazy. I wish he would make a move, but I know he won't. I don't want to ruin our friendship, but I can't help the way I feel. I hope I'm not making a mistake by continuing to stay here.

I feel this tension between me and Marshall, I always have, but I thought it was because he was this big scary celebrity that I respected so much. Of course I could never think about talking to him about it, for Hailie's sake, so it's better off staying in here.

To conclude, Marshall Mathers is my soul mate, even if it's platonic on his end, I truly believe that. He's my safety, my comfort, my care, and he's so patient and understanding.

Journal entry:

The past couple weeks have been driving me crazy, for the first time in a long time I finally felt sexy again, I was feeling myself again, so I started masturbating. The problem is that my mind wonders, and not in a 'I can't get horny way' I wish that was the case but no! I see Marshall catching me, or I imagine him eating me out, and I'm not trying to, it just happens.

I'm questioning everything, am I really feeling this way?, is that why my heart races every time he's around, is that why I keep getting these intrusive thoughts, is that why all I want when I'm drunk is Marshall (and some good food), I'm fucking insane, and I think I love him but I'm trying not do.

Journal entry:

Marshall, know I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't help it. I'm in love with you. I know you're my best friend's dad, and it's wrong, but I can't stop thinking about you. I tell you everything why can't I tell you this