Confessions of a Psychopath [bxb]

38. Horrible Human

A/N: Hello reader, I am considering scrapping this chapter entirely. As you read please try to notice if there's anything truly important to the story worth keeping. It would be great if you let me know your thoughts at the end. Thank you.

Justin's POV
How would a psychopath view the holocaust? It was a random thought to have while in bed in the middle of the night. But I was really curious to what a murderer would think about such a sad event. I couldn't sleep because of the pulsing pain in my finger, so my mind was left to wander.

"How do you view the holocaust?" I asked Nick.

I knew he was awake just by the way he felt. He held me in his arms, my head tucked under his chin snuggly. His breath was soft against my hair but his grip on me was tight, making sure I couldn't leave his grasp.

"You don't wanna know." Nick said and his voice sounded especially dark at the mention of the historic mass murder.

"Do you like Hitler?" I asked, truly curious.

"I do admit he has some admirable qualities but in the end he was so weak as to kill himself." Nick snorted as he held me close. "I can't admire that."

How could he hate Hitler for the only good he did??

"Well, what about the Jews? Don't you think that was wrong?"

"Now that's where I find him admirable. How can someone kill so many people? Hitler was brilliant in that aspect. He convinced a whole country to help him kill." Nick sounded like a child in wonder. "Plus I love the cruelty. He made Jews into officers who persecuted other Jews. Made fathers fight against sons. It was cruel and ironic. I love the things they were forced to do in order to survive. I don't really agree with the whole aryan race being better if that's what you're wondering."

I made a face and was glad that my back was to him. He would've probably smacked me for such a lack of respect for the thing he admired, even if it was something so horrible.

"Ah and you know what else? Here's something I've never told anybody..." He gripped me tightly, pulling my bum against his crotch. "Seeing all their skinny naked dead bodies in piles, that really turns me on."

My face heat up and my stomach felt sick. I squirmed in his hold so I could turn around to face him.

"You're a horrible human..." I whispered and Nick smiled grimly.

"Human?" Nick smirked. "A mere human couldn't do what I do."

I wondered if he truly thought of himself as something other than human. I saw him as a god, but not literally. Did he really feel as powerful as a god? Why was I attracted to someone so self centered? If anything, he was a monster, something that couldn't feel.

"You take pride in that?" I asked. "You're proud to feel nothing?"

Nick looked surprised for a quick moment, and his eyes flashed with a deep sadness before his face suddenly lost any expression.

"Of course."

I didn't know what to say. He stared at me with his darkness, daring me to mention what I'd just witnessed. He would do anything to prove I hadn't just seen that emotion on his face. Maybe he'd even kill me to prove he was emotionless. Nick was in denial. He had to feel something. If he truly felt nothing, he wouldn't find pleasure in killing. He wouldn't have hated his brother so much. How had he grown to hate my father as well? Hate and pleasure were still feelings. He also said he felt jealous of Markus. So maybe Nick could feel other things too. Things like sadness. Or maybe love?

"I told you that you didn't wanna know." Nick grinned suddenly and my blood felt cold as I stared at his beautiful teeth.

I wondered for a moment if I was like a Jewish prisoner. They were dehumanized and did certain things to live. Nick made me do horrendous things in order to live. He didn't starve me or anything, in fact, he fed me quite well. But I had to bare witness to his killings, he'd force me to do terrible things to them. He even had me naked for months on end, even though he eventually gave me clothes. Was I dehumanized? Did Nick feel proud to dehumanized me?