The Firestarter: How a Lost Girl Changed Our Lives

Chapter 5

Lily and I were sitting on the couch together. I could hear the popcorn that Evan was making popping in the kitchen. I could hear him softly humming. We were watching a well-worn DVD from the library, "Finding Nemo."

Lily's backpack was on the floor next to her foot. She kept fiddling with it protectively. I understood: that backpack was all she had. When I was young, my mother couldn't keep a job. We just kept moving around. We had no stability. All my possessions were either lost in the moves or stolen.

"So, Lily, do you like the movie?"

She wouldn't look at me. She picked up her backpack and began zipping and unzipping it repeatedly. "It's okay, I guess."

"What kind of movies do you usually watch?" I rested my chin on my hand and leaned forward.

"I don't know. Whatever's on."

"Do you have a favorite genre? Or a favorite actor?"

"Not really." Lily shrugged.

"Well, what do you like to do for fun?"

"Nothing much."

"Come on, there must be something. Do you like to read? Or draw? Or play music?"

"No." Lily shook her head and scowled.

I sighed. "Lily, I'm trying to get to know you better. You don't have to be so closed off. I'm your sister, after all." Evan had stopped humming.

"Half-sister. And you don't even know me. You never cared about me until now."

"That's not true. I didn't even know you existed until now. But I do care about you. I want to help you."

"Help me with what? You can't fix my life. You can't bring back my mom. You can't make my dad love me. You can't make me happy."

I felt guilty. "I know I can't do those things. But I can be here for you. I can listen to you. I can support you. I can be your family."

"Family? What do you know about family? You have a husband who loves you. You have a home in the desert. You have animals that keep you company. You have everything I don't have."

"Lily, you don't understand. My life is not perfect. I have problems too. I have a mental illness that makes it hard for me to cope with everyday situations. I have phobias and compulsions and triggers that make me anxious and angry and depressed. I have a mother who abused me and a father who abandoned me. I have scars that won't heal and memories that won't fade."

Lilly looked contemptuous. "Wow, you're so brave and strong and inspirational. How do you manage to survive such a horrible existence?"

"Lily, why are you being so mean to me? I'm trying to be nice to you. I'm trying to be your sister."

"Well, stop trying. Because you're not my sister. You're just a stranger who took pity on me and let me stay in your house for a while. But you don't really want me here, do you? You just want to feel good about yourself, like you're doing some kind of charity work. Well, guess what? I don't need your charity. I don't need your pity. And I don't need you."

She grabbed her backpack and stood up.

Evan came in with a bowl of popcorn. "Hey, what's going on? Where are you going?"

Lily began to walk towards the front door.

Evan put the popcorn down on the table. "Hey, wait a minute. Don't go. Let's talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about. I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere."

"That's not true," said Evan, with a downcast expression. "You belong here with us. We're your family."

"No, you're not. You're just strangers who feel sorry for me. But you don't really care about me. You don't really understand me."

He walked over to her. "Lily, we do care about you. We want to understand you better. We've been through some of the same things you have. We know what it's like to lose someone you love. We know what it's like to feel alone and unwanted. We know what it's like to struggle with mental health issues. We're not strangers, Lily. We're your allies."

"Allies? What does that even mean?"

"It means we're on your side. It means we're here to help you, not to judge you or hurt you or abandon you. It means we're here to love you, no matter what."

"Love me? How can you love me? You don't even know me."

"We don't have to know everything about you to love you, Lily. We just have to see you for who you are: a smart, beautiful, brave young woman who deserves happiness and peace and hope. And we do see that in you, Lily. We see so much potential in you. We see so much goodness in you. We see so much of ourselves in you."

"Really?" She was softening.

"Really. And we want to get to know you better, Lily. We want to share our lives with you. We want to be your family."

Lily's eyes began watering. "But why? Why would you want me? I'm nothing but trouble. I'm nothing but a burden."

I spoke up: "No, Lily. You're not trouble. You're not a burden. You're a blessing. You're a gift. You're our sister."

Evan opened his arms for a hug. "Come here, Lily."

Lily hesitated for a moment, then she dropped her backpack and walked into Evan's open arms. Was it possible? Could we really be bonding with her?

Lily sobbed: "Evan..."

Evan patted her back. "Shh, it's okay, Lily. It's okay."

I watched with mixed emotions. I felt sad, angry, and jealous. And then guilty for feeling that way. On the one hand I was relieved and grateful. I loved that girl; we were so much alike.

- Maybe this is what family is all about. Maybe it's not about blood or genes or history or names. Maybe it's about finding people who accept you and support you and love you for who you are. Maybe it's about giving people a chance to show you that they care. Maybe it's about opening your heart and letting them in.

I wiped my tears and joined the hug. "I'm sorry, Lily. I'm sorry for everything I said and did. I'm sorry for being a bad sister."

"No, Elise. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being mean to you and pushing you away. I'm sorry for being a bad sister."

"No, Lily. You're not a bad sister. You're a good sister."

"So are you, Elise."

"Thank you, Lily."

I hugged tighter.

- Maybe this is the beginning of something new. Maybe this is the start of our healing process. Maybe this is the chance we've been waiting for.

Lily pulled back and looked affectionate.

"Do you want some popcorn?" I picked up the bowl and offered it.

"I like lots of butter." Evan interjected, "I hope you do too."

"Sure."

"How about we finish the movie?" Evan proposed.

Lily and I said "Okay" at the same time, like we were sisters, real sisters.