The Firestarter: How a Lost Girl Changed Our Lives

Chapter 10

I felt a tightness in my chest and a lump in my throat as I grabbed the keys and ran to the car. I couldn't bear to look at Evan's hurt and confused eyes, or Lily's tear-stained face. I had let them down, and I loathed myself for it. I slammed the car door shut and turned the ignition. Without a second thought, I stepped on the gas and peeled out of the driveway. I didn't care where I was headed, as long as it was away from the house. Away from the memories, the regrets, the anger. I clenched my jaw and gripped the steering wheel, trying to block out the voices in my head.

The tears made a foggy window out of my eyes, and I rubbed them away with the back of my hand. I turned on the radio hoping to find some music that comforted me. The first station I had programmed was nothing but local news, which team triumphed over which at the high school football game. Who cares? Then it went to world news and the arrogance of the reporters was like nails on a chalkboard. How dare they? The next five stations were a drill in my head, spewing commercials. The noise was painful, meaningless, and annoying. I turned it off in frustration and the button broke. Just when I needed it most, the radio was worse than an enemy.

I glanced at my phone. No messages. No calls. The screen was a blank black tombstone. Was I invisible? I felt alone and hopeless. I wished Evan had yelled at me. At least that would have shown he cared. But he was silent. Like everyone else. I hated myself. I was a burden, a mistake, a plastic bag left in a pond for the fish to choke on. I wanted to disappear.

Occasionally, I passed by abandoned cabins with withering tamarisk trees, a sign of human presence that had long vanished. I stopped at the last gas station, the only sign of civilization in this desolate place. I didn't need gas, so I just grabbed a soda and a candy bar and went to the bathroom. A brief escape from monotony.

As signs of human habitation thinned to nonexistent, I passed the last landmark of any kind. It was a set of evaporating ponds that were used to extract salt, potash, or borax from the brackish ground water. Evan would have cared more than I did. He was always interested in these things.

These ponds were a bitter joke. They looked like they would nourish life but actually brought death. No birds flew over them, no fish swam in them, no plants grew around them. Any rare, thirsty mountain lion that tried to drink from them would only drink its doom.

I continued driving aimlessly, feeling lost and hopeless. The sun began to set behind me, casting long shadows on the road. I felt a twinge of nostalgia as I remembered watching the uniquely spectacular yellows, reds, and purples of Mojave sunsets with Evan, dreaming of our future together. Now, I felt like I had destroyed any chance of that happening.

I saw a sign for a road that led up to the northern mountains and decided to follow it. Maybe I could find some peace and quiet away from everything that reminded me of my pain. As I drove up the winding road: cliff on one side, gorge on the other, I admired the layers of colorful, rough rocks, but I felt numb inside. I didn't care where I was going or what would happen next.

The slope had been gentle at first, but it was getting steeper. There were no other vehicles, so I pulled over. I didn't bother closing the door behind me when I got out, drawn to the edge of the cliff, perhaps there was some beauty here. I looked down at the deep ravine below, a marvel of nature's power and grace. There was a trace of vegetation right at the bottom, a sign of life's resilience and persistence. Like an oasis of life at the lowest point. It was stunning, but I couldn't feel anything. I was already dead inside and I thought about driving off the edge, ending my misery once and for all. Maybe then someone would miss me.

Ruminating on feelings was for weak people, cowards. It was time for action. I went back to the car and took a deep breath, feeling my heart pounding in my chest. Then the phone rang, startling me with its loud and shrill sound.