you found me - Rafe Cameron

XV - exile

The events of yesterday are laying heavy on my mind. I was barely able to get a good nights sleep. It's playing on my mind on what to do.
I'm so confused and i'm so lost.

I get out of bed and walk downstairs and see Jessica sat at the table.
"Hey, would you like a drink?" She says getting up.
"Only if you're making one for yourself." I say sitting down.
"Coffee?" I nod.
"Please."
She places the drink infront of me and sits down.
"Is everything okay?" She asks.
"No not really." I say holding onto the mug.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Well it's like imagine you were offered this perfect life. With an amazing job, a huge house, a perfect boyfriend. And you'd be living very comfortably in a huge city. I mean you'd take it right?"
"Erm yeah? I guess so."
"But what if there's a part of you that would rather be working at like a store or living in a small house with a boyfriend who is a bit messy but you care for them like a lot and you'd be living on an a small island."
"What would you do?" I ask.
I need as many opinions as I can because I really don't know what to do.

"Well that depends."
"On what?"
"Just because you are given the opportunity of having a perfect life doesn't mean you'll be happy."
"What do you mean?"
"Having all that luxury sure it sounds great but that doesn't mean all of it will make you happy. Maybe living on a small island is where you feel the most happiest and most yourself. Wouldn't you rather feel more comfortable settling for less knowing that if you chose the better option, you wouldn't feel so great."
"Yeah, I mean i'd rather be happy than miserable."
"Exactly, so would you rather live in New York with Noah for the rest of your life, or would you rather live in Outerbanks with Rafe for the rest of your life?"
"Wait how do you know about Rafe?"
"Please, I remember how you were with Rafe and i've seen how you are with Noah. Its obvious that Rafe makes you the happiest. And the one you care for the most."

"Look, I'm not telling you what to do, I wouldn't dream of it. But all I can do is give you my advice. And I say that since you've been back here, lately you've seemed more like the old you. The happier you. It's like your you again and I know that you and I were never the closest of friends but anyone can notice how different you are with Rafe in your life."
"So you think I should choose Rafe?"
She grabs my hand.
"All I want is for you to be happy so forget what people think, you do you and you be the best you. And don't make decisions to make others happy because at the end of the day, you have to put yourself first. It's not fair on you to live a lie for the satisfaction of others, trust me I learnt that the hard way." I smile.
"Thank you."
"You know, you're not actually as bad as I thought you were."
"Wow okay, I thought we had a bonding moment and now you just killed it." She says laughing.

I decide to go see Sarah today. I haven't seen her much lately and I could really use her input and her advice right now. She knows me well so she will help me decide at what's best to do.
I get to the Chateau and I knock the door. Quickly Sarah opens it.
"S? Hey, come on in." She says letting me in.
"What's going on?" She asks.
"A lot."
"Oh god, what's happened?"
"Well, long story short I slept with your brother, again."
She sits there for a moment.
"Well i've been doing good too you know."
"What?" I say.
"That's a lot of info in one sentence." I laugh.

"But you're engaged?" I nod.
"Oh you've really over done it now."
"You think?"
"Maybe a little."
"So what's wrong?"
"I don't know what to do. I don't know who I want."
"Well, which one do you love?"
"Both."
"Oh Jesus."
"It's like with Noah I'm so happy and he can't do enough for me. Everything is just so perfect and everything I could ever want and wish for. But again it's like there is something missing and I never fully feel comfortable with the way i'm living my life in New York. But with Rafe I am happy too and I feel like I can just be me and do whatever I want. But then with Rafe I think is it worth it? Like we've never worked out before so what's saying we ever will."

"Makes sense. But you do realise that you can't have both."
"I know."
"You want my advice?" I nod.
"I say Noah."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I think that your just scared of letting go of the past so you just keep holding onto it thinking that you can keep it forever but in reality, nothing lasts forever. People grow up and move on. And I get that you and Rafe went through a lot together just to throw it all away but you can rebuild things and have a better life for yourself with Noah."

I look down and I feel my body breaking down inside.
"I'm not telling you what you need to do but I think that Noah is better for you than Rafe is. I mean I love him like he's my brother but he's hurt you so much and something always happens and gets ruined when you guys are together and I get that's hard to hear but I don't want to see you be in pain anymore."
"I think that if you gave Noah a chance and stopped thinking about what could have happened and what you could have had, it would be better."

She makes sense. Everything she said could be true. Maybe I am just holding onto the tiny hope I had when I was younger at the thought of being with Rafe forever. Maybe I should just move in and be with Noah.

All I know is that I need to talk to Rafe.

I leave Sarah's and go to Rafes hoping he's going to be there. I knock the door and dread for it to open and then it does.
"Hey." He says slightly smiling.
"Hey, can we talk?"
"Sure." He says moving to the side letting me in.
We sit down on the sofa for a while in silence.
"What's wrong Shay?" I shake my head.
"I don't know."
"I don't know what I want anymore."
He sighs.

"What?" I say.
"Are you kidding me?" He stands up.
"After everything your really considering going back to him?"
"Yes, no. I don't know Rafe."
"I can't believe this."
"Rafe he's my fiancé. I can't just drop everything in New York and be here with you. I created a life with Noah, I can't just forget that."
"So you come back to Outerbanks, you come back to me just to go again."
"Rafe it's not like that. I love him and I was so ready to spend the rest of my life him like a few weeks ago."
"So you came to me for a rebound and to figure out whether you want a life with Mr Perfect or not."
"No Rafe, I came back to you because I wanted you."
"Yeah sure." He says laughing.

"Rafe don't act so fucking innocent in this you were with Charlotte too when we first hooked up."
"Oh yeah so it's all my fault? I was just waiting for it all to be put on me."
"Oh my god I didn't even say that."
"Then what are you saying Shaine because i'm so fucking tired of your games."
"My games?" I say standing up.
"Are you actually kidding me right now? You were all up for this too I recall so don't even start this shit."
"So you have a little affair with me to just go back to your husband? Really? What life are you gonna have for yourself going back to him?"
"A better one than with you it seems." He scoffs in response.
"Rafe all we have ever done throughout everything is argue and fuck to make up. There was never any actual conversations or discussion of a life for us together. You never gave me anything to work with. You never once said you wanted me. Noah has offered me everything. He gave me love and feelings when all you do is give me shit!"

"Then go! Go back to your perfect fucking fiancé even though his father fucking hates you and to me it seems like he's just with you to spite his father!"
"Fine I will. My god I can't even believe I considered staying here with you. Your such a dick!"
"Oh yeah really, you didn't mind that when you were jumping into bed with me with his ring on your fucking finger!"
"Fuck you!" I scream storming out.
"And don't come back to me if your perfect fiancé  oh so breathes funny! Because it seems that whatever he does you come straight back to me!" He shouts before slamming the door.

I walk back home with tears all over my face. I pack my bags and I drive to the hotel. I ask the receptionist for Noah's room number and I walk down the corridor knocking on the door.
He answers and looks up and down at me.
"Hey." He says.
"Hey." I reply. I drop my bags and hug him and he hugs me back. He grabs my bags and I walk through the door.

It's Noah. It's always going to be Noah. I love him and I see now that he is the one I want. I want a life with him, forever.