you found me - Rafe Cameron

XVII - where you belong

It's so bright and early. I can barely just about open my eyes and as I do I instantly feel the pain from last nights decisions to get drunk. I hate the feeling. My head pounding. My body achy. The constant feeling of nausea. I always think to myself i'll never drink that much again but I know I will, I always do. I look to the side of me to see an empty bed. Noah's spot is empty.

I walk well stumble towards the bathroom and I take an aspirin in hopes the headache will go away soon. After getting changed I walk downstairs and see the house is empty.
"Noah?" I shout.
"Noah?" I shout a little louder.

I sit around for about two hours and there is still no sight of Noah. I haven't heard anything from him. I've called his phone I don't know how many times and i've left him lots of messages but still, nothing. I grow agitated and bored of waiting so I get my phone and I call Leanne.

"Hello."
"Hey, how you holding up?"
"I feel as if I am one of those hammer heads in an arcade." I laugh.
"Hey uh this is random but do you remember how I got home last night?"
I'm curious whether Noah left the club with me or not.
"My husband put you in a cab before we left because we were both completely wasted."
"Oh right. What about Noah?"
"He said he was staying for a little while longer. Why? What's wrong?"
"I don't know. Noah didn't come home last night, I don't think."
"Wait really?"
"Yeah, normally if he leaves while I was sleeping he would leave a note on the refrigerator but he hasn't."

"That's weird. I'll call Jeremy and see if he knows anything."
"Okay, thank you Le."
"No problem, i'll be in touch." I end the call.

Where the hell is Noah? It's like he's disappeared without a trace. It's not like him to leave and not tell me where he is or where he's gone.

My eyes open due to the door shutting and I didn't even realise I fell asleep. I look to the door to see Noah taking off his jacket and shoes. Both which he went out in last night. Did he actually stay out all night? I unlock my phone to see Leanne had tried calling me about an hour ago.

Noah walks into the lounge room and he sees me sat on the sofa.
"Oh hey." He says smiling. It seems as if he's unsure or something.
"Hey? Where were you?" I ask standing up.
"Oh uh out. I went out this morning."
"Why?"
"Uh I just needed to uh get something from the store."
"For four hours?" I don't understand what he's doing. It's like he's making excuses to cover for himself.
"Yeah apparently."
"Alright that's enough, cut the shit. Where were you Noah?" He stands there looking at me.

"I didn't come back last night."
"Okay I gathered that." He looks down.
"Where were you?"
"I just stayed at a friends house? Okay? Stop questioning it." He walks past me and walks upstairs. The stench of alcohol hit me strong as he brushed past me.

I don't understand. Why was he lying to me? What is there to lie about?

• Rafe POV •

"And then John B was like 'oh whatever i'm going to JJs house' and he stormed out and didn't come back until this morning and I can't be bothered for him and his attitude like dude cmon. I'm glad our meet up was today because honestly, I needed out of that house. The tension was just ridiculous and I swear if I didn't leave, his head would be detached from his neck right now let me tell you." Sarah complains.

I'm not even paying any attention to anything she's been saying. All i've collected from her rant is that her and John B had an argument over something I know I don't care about.

"Rafe? Hello?" She says waving her hand infront of my face.
"What?"
"We're you listening?"
"Oh yeah I agree with you. John B's an ass."
She sits there pulling a face.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, i'm fine. Why?'
"You seem spaced out like theres something on your mind."
"I'm good."
"Talk to me. You don't seem yourself lately."
"I'm fine, I swear." She stares at me.

I don't want to tell her what's actually going on in my mind because there's no need to. There's nothing I can do.

"You miss her don't you?"
"What?"
"I said you miss her."
"I don't know, maybe. I'm just still not over what happened between us. It's my fault how everything panned out and it's pissing me off the fact I can't do anything to fix it."
"Yes you can."
"How? And what do I do?"
"Just call her."
"How's that gonna work?"
"Uh easy. She's gonna see your calling, pick up the phone and your gonna be like 'please come back to me." She tries mocking my voice.
"I don't talk like that."
"Please come back to me, our house is empty without you."
"Our?"

"Yeah? You and Charlotte brought the house together?"
"Oh right yeah." I thought she understood that I was talking about Shaine but I guess not. She thought I was talking about Charlotte.

"Just talk to her. I'm sure she would appreciate it if you reached out. Even if she doesn't answer, atleast she would know you tried. And that you still care about her." I slowly nod and smile slightly.

I don't want Charlotte. I don't want to call her. I don't want to talk to her. Me and her are over and for good. Neither of us want to see each other again. It's Shaine I want. I want Shaine. I need her and I want her back. I want her back with me. Where she belongs.

After meeting Sarah I go straight to Barry's trailer. Since Shaine left, i've been taking coke again. It's bad. Yeah, I know it is. But it's the only thing that stops me thinking about her. It's the only thing that stops me from thinking about what she's doing, how's she doing and what could have been. If only I told her how I felt about her, maybe she would have stayed. She would have stayed and been with me and I wouldn't be back on coke.

I'm not blaming her because I can't. I only have myself to blame for the shit I cause but it hurts. You'd of thought by now I would have gotten used to life without Shaine but I haven't. I've never realised how much better life was with Shaine in it. I didn't realise how much I needed her the past few years until that day she turned up on my front door step after four years of no communication.

Ever since then, I knew deep in my heart she was the one. I knew it was no longer a teenage fantasy or a teenage love. I knew that Shaine and I would be forever. There's a reason no matter what is going on in our lives, we find a way back to one another. Call it fate. Call it destiny. Call it whatever. All I know is I need Shaine and I love her with everything I have. I love her more than any human could love another. I'd do anything just to feel her in my arms again.

I feel my body turn weak. My head spinning. The loss of control I have over myself. It's a familiar feeling. One I know I've felt before. The last time I felt like this, Shaine was there. Shaine saved my life at that moment. And Shaine saved my life all together. But now, she's not here. She's not here with me. She's not here to help me this time.

It's the time I suffer for what i've done. I lost Shaine. I pushed her away. It's my fault. Without her I have nothing. Without her I am nothing. Without her I have nothing to fight for or anything to live for. I completely lost myself when I lost her. I have got no control of who I am anymore. I've turned myself into this junkie who let the people who care about me frown upon what i've become.

I've hurt everyone around me. I've let everyone down. I can't do it anymore. And I will never be able too. I can't keep living on with my life hurting everyone. The pain I feel every morning I wake up. The nights where I find myself unable to sleep without picturing my mom. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm hurting. I'm in pain. And I have always kept all my pain to myself. All the terror i've faced in my life, I never told anyone but Shaine. She was the only person who could help me and who could understand me. She was the only person I could trust but again i've fucked it all up. I can't keep putting myself through this shit all the time. The only time I get the pain to stop is by being with Shaine. The feel of her touch soothes me. Takes all my pain away. But I don't have it anymore. I don't have her. So this is the only other way my pain will fully disappear.

I'm sorry.

Rafe C