Self Contradiction

Me

I know about the consequences that I had to deal with it.

Even when someone like me. 

Someone that had everything. It wasn't enough I guess.

Even people like me have problems. 

All of us don't search for problems. There was no dramatic scenes. Just melancholy ones.People want more. it's an innate desire.

It was people like me that no one understood because....they didn't want to hear my opinion. 

No one did. 

And it hurts. So much. There was this desolate feeling that I just wasn't good enough. No one loves me for the current me. It was always about what I could be that people loved. That I wasn't pushing myself far enough. 

I know the saying that you should be happy with yourself..

But it's still lonely. No matter how independent I make or convince myself that it is. 

I hated feeling this way. It was such a huge contradiction. 

I found out that I didn't belong into this family. I was biologically related to them. Blood and all. Yet, I didn't feel that happiness that I expected.

I was aware that I am different from my family.

I was lucky. 

THat was the only trait that seemed to work. 

It doesn't. 

Or I was cursed.

Simply put, I didn't feel happy at all. I felt this judgement.

I've always felt that throwing back someone's treatment of you would make them understand. Then  again, I always knew that it wasn't going to work. It really never does. 

I've tried to understand their pain, but it was always about them. About other people. About things that 

I have to understand. I was and still am understanding. I just want someone to do the same. Don't we all? 

Maybe not.

And it gets to me. These poisonous thoughts. 

I was called a drama queen. I hated names. 

I was called sensitive. But wouldn't you be sensitive too if people attacked your weak points at a daily basis.

I was called a liar. Why am I always being the one being called out? 

I was called trying to be a victim. I don't understand this. I'm not a victim. I'm constantly being barrage by so much mix of people telling me what to do.

I didn't deserve anyone. At this point, I've had enough. I've had enough of people saying that I don't deserve anyone. 

So I stopped believing. I stopped believing the people around me. It hurt too much to cry. The aftermaths of tears aren't worth it. Going through that everyday wasn't worth it.

I'm not going to end my life for ridiculous people. I'm sure and hope that there are good people out there. I mean real people. Not those people who pretend they are tough as nails but cry when shit hits the fan. 

I'm talking about the survivors. The ones who knew the pain I'm going through and lived through it. They understand that life will throw unexpected things at you and your life changes. Even they knew that these types of things happened to people. It happens to all of us. They know the pain. The mental pain that deteriates everything around you. They know about the darkness and light that blinds you. They know that people walk different types of pain. Some are higher then others. They know it doesn't mean that your pain is less than theirs. 

Those people. I want to meet them. 

So I'll keep living and observing the world around me. 

Even when I'm called a failure. 

Even when I knew that the pain would never truly stop.

I could only hope that these people change the world for the better.

So no one else walks the same jagged path I took.