Flashing Lights - J.B / N.B

Crash and Burn

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Trigger Warnings: Derogatory Language And Mentions of Toxic Relationship ⚠️⚠️⚠️

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As soon as I ended the call with Nick all I wanted was to take a hot shower and wash away the day's events. Turning off my phone, I did exactly that. My mind wandered to Joe. One second he claims he wants to learn more about me and to give him a chance and the next he's blowing up in my face. He acted exactly like him.

At this moment I hate how right my gut was. Even if I haven't properly shown it, I prayed I was wrong about him. I've been watching Joe since college even when he transferred to LSU I still followed his games and highlights with interest. Watching him on the field I could feel how powerful he was. The way he easily controlled his players and the people around him. He remained calm and confident, while his opponents were burning down. It scared and excited me at the same time of the type of person he was. I honestly felt like he had a chance of being different from everyone else. That he would be different from him.

I shook my head, 'I can't be thinking about this right now, I still have to schedule an appointment with McPherson and his wife," I scolded myself. But, at the thought Joe's words echoed through my mind like a deep reminder.

"I have other things to worry about right now instead of some childish act that you pulled the other week ," his voice was hard and cold and his gaze became icy. The usual warmth in them was long gone. I could remember myself freezing in place, too scared to learn what happens if I moved even the slightest inch. I promised myself I would never be so weak, yet there I was again being frightened by another man's presence who has just learned about my existence only a few weeks ago.

I used to be someone who didn't have to worry about other people's intentions with me. I used to be someone who loved to dance and go out without a single worry. Now, look at me. I'm a fucking mess. I thought I was doing better after not having an episode in 8 months. "Way to get my hopes up," I bitterly told myself. I should've known better than to think I was beginning to be normal again. A shower definitely wasn't helping me right now, so turning off the water I stepped out and dried myself off.

I decide to do the second thing on my list of distractions, which was to eat a pint of strawberry ice cream and watch a rom-com. There's nothing like watching someone else's love life while mine is basically non-existent. After I changed and dried my hair, I gathered everything I needed before landing on the couch with a soft thud. I already assumed Sam went to Joe's again tonight, but just in case he texted I turned on my phone and went to my messages.

However, it wasn't Sam that had texted me. I shuddered as my eyes trailed over the three little letters. Joe had sent me a message. I don't know how long I sat there, staring at my screen with my thumb hovering over his name. Contemplating if I should open it or not. The ongoing glare of the screen challenging me to tap on it. I took a few deep breaths, preparing myself for whatever Joe sent.

I finally let my thumb tap on the screen, opening the message. I let myself read the first few words and my heart sank. He was apologizing. 'I'm so sorry,' he started the text with. A feeling of disbelief and deja vu rushed through me. 'This can't be happening right now,' I shook my head. As a response I threw my phone onto the table before I could continue reading more. I already had a feeling what the rest of the message would include. More apologies and excuses would follow, I know that for sure.

God, I am so tired of hearing apologies and excuses for bad behavior. I reminded myself that he forced himself close to me and stopped me from getting into my car wether or not he was doing it intentionally. There's no excuse for that. He told me himself that I was being a bother yet wouldn't let me leave him.

His apology sounded all too familiar making it too late to distract myself now as flashbacks resurfaced into my mind. He reminded me too much of the past I tried so hard to forget.

"Baby, I'm so so sorry. I didn't mean to it was an accident! You know I would do nothing to hurt you right? I love you so fucking much," he cried as he held onto me with a death grip like he was too scared I would vanish the second he let go. "It won't happen again, I promise," he whispered into my ear possessively.

To my luck, as the scene faded, another took its place. My breaths were starting to become heavier and my body started to grow hotter. I could no longer hear the sound of the TV as I was dragged back into my own mind.

"Who the hell was that?!" He screamed at me, forcing me into my dorm and slammed the door shut, making me flinch at the loud bang."Don't act all innocent now darling, I saw you on the field, pressing your body onto that guy like a whore," he pointed a finger at me accusingly, his voice raising at every word. "You know what happens to whores right?" He growled, they get punished," his gaze becoming feral and his teeth baring like a rapid dog.

I began to claw at my chest, a rapid burning pain was spreading throughout. It felt like my body was on fire, yet no matter what I did it never faded away. I tried rolling onto the ground to see if the never ending fire that burned my body would die out. But, it only made it worse. I scratched and clawed at my skin to relieve the pain. My heartbeat rang loudly in my ears, my breathing becoming shallowed breaths. Panic started to suffocate me, smothering my senses with darkness. Everything was gone. I'm all alone in a dark oblivion that I call my mind. But, the darkness was short-lived as more flashbacks glared strongly in my mind.

I had lost complete control over my body as panic took over.

It's hard to measure time when I'm trapped in my own mind. The flashbacks still continued to replay in my head, hauntingly. So, when I felt a pair of warm hands holding my body down, I dug my nails into whoever my assailant was. I began to freak out even more due to uncertainty of who the person was. I could feel myself sweating from moving too much. I willed myself to focus. I had to center myself. I tried my best to slow my breathing and strained my ears to hear something, anything that could bring me back to the real world. I was unsure of how much time had passed, but I could faintly hear someone talking to me. I focused on the voice as much as I could until I could decipher what the person was saying.

"Bubs, listen to my voice. It's me, you're not alone anymore. Please, please hear me I need you to focus. Everything is okay, you're at home," the familiar voice soothed me. I continued to listen to the sound until I felt my heartbeat start to slow down. Bringing me out of my misery. When I finally opened my eyes the TV screen was blocked by my brother's large figure. He was crouched in front of me, with a hand held fan in his grasp. The slight breeze cooled me down, slowly getting rid of the burning sensation that remained on my skin.

"Sammy?" I called out to him hoarsely, trying to show him that I'm back in reality. My back was soaked with sweat while my throat was dry from my sobs. I looked up to only be met with Sam's eyes and cheeks being red. I tried to convince myself that he wasn't crying for the sake of my own guilt. But, I still can't wrap my head around the fact I had to make him go through this again. In the past Sam had witnessed multiple of my attacks, but this one had to be one of the worst. I'm pretty sure a part of him was hoping I was fixed after my achievement of not having a panic attack for almost a year. Sadly, that hope of me going back to who I used to be vanished the minute he found me on the living room floor.

"Shhhh Chelsea don't say anything right now. I'll take care of you, just rest," he cooed. He was about to pull me into a hug, but I flinched back against the couch. But he never gave me a look of annoyance or anger, only a nod of understanding as he backed up a couple of inches. "Take your time Bubs, there's no rush. When you're ready I'll be here to give you the bestest hug ever," he tried to lighten the mood giving me a small smile. 

I just sat still, my body slightly shaking and too exhausted to give him a smile back. All I wanted to do was cry at that very moment. But, no tears came.

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A/N:
Please don't forget to vote/comment I'd really appreciate it!! 🥺 But thank you everyone for over 2000+ reads. Literally love every single one of you who have read my story <333
- Alyssa xxx