Flashing Lights - J.B / N.B

A Burden

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I took slow deep breaths, as Sam moved to lean his back against the coffee table across from me. Meanwhile, I was still trying to convince myself that I was safe. That I was back in the present and away from him. I haven't even bothered looking up at Sam knowing I would be met with his disappointed gaze. We both believed I was doing well after not going to therapy and having any episodes for months. 

But, I knew he wouldn't be disappointed in me but at himself for letting this happen. I wanted to tell him it wasn't his fault, that I didn't blame him, but my mouth remained glued shut. A part of me wished Sam never asked me to drop off his cleats that day or trick me into going golfing. If I hadn't gone to the facility that day or stayed at the country club; if I hadn't crossed paths with Joe, my life would have been a lot easier without the extra baggage and feelings. 

I shook my head, trying to erase those thoughts. Everything has already been said and done, there's nothing I can do except move forward. Plus it's not Sam's fault for trying to help me get over my past and finally heal. We both should have known it was dumb to feel hopeful about something that's so unpredictable. 

Hugging my legs closer to my chest, I rested my chin on top my knees as a way to comfort myself. I had to get used to feeling my own arms around me before I could accept even the slightest touch from Sam. It's become some sort of ritual of mine to prep my mind and body for hugs or anything that dealt with physical touch. 

Way before the panic attacks, my body had always felt discomfort whenever another person lays a single hand on me without warning. I hated how I couldn't even hug someone properly without feeling some form of disgust or anxiousness. Sam has to hold himself back around me since he's already a pretty affectionate guy already. He has always been a big teddy bear and loves giving hugs. His love language is physical touch after all. 

Minutes have soon passed and none of us dared to say a word. I could feel the air starting to get tense as Sam's patience began to thin. I took a quick glance at his face and felt guilty. His whole face was smothered with worry and his lips wore a deep frown. Just by the look on his face confirmed my decision to tell him everything. I need to stop keeping him out of the loop. 

Right when I was about to apologize for worrying him, he broke the silence first, interrupting me. 

His hand brushed through his hair out of stress, a habit that he's picked up on while growing up. "Chelsea, I've tried so hard to be patient, but I can't take this anymore. I waited weeks for you to tell me what's going on and I thought giving you space was the best way to do it. But, now look at what's happened. I let you down. So please, for my own peace of mind, tell me what the hell happened with Joe," he ranted aloud, his voice was scratchy and on edge. 

I had no idea that his reasons for staying at Joe's and barely being home was because of me. I also didn't realize how easy it was for him to be able to connect the dots. 

"Whatever happened you know I'll always be on your side," he continued. 

I literally couldn't take it anymore and dragged myself to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and started to cry hysterically. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I should have told you right away. I'm so sorry Sammy," I kept repeating. I was falling apart right next to him, the overwhelming tiredness and shame threw me over the edge. How selfish was I to make my brother worry so much about me? Was I too caught up in my own world that I didn't even notice my brother's own struggles? Was this how Joe felt when I left him at the country club that day?

'I have to stop being a burden to him,' I swore to myself.  I don't know how much time has passed as Sam continuously rubbed my back soothingly, whispering words of encouragement into my ear. But, overtime I felt myself relax into his embrace and fully welcomed in the comfort and safety he provided.

 The minute my mind felt at ease I pulled myself a few inches away from him, so I could fully look at him. I finally felt an urge of confidence flow through me, giving me the strength to finally tell Sam everything, starting with what happened that day at the country club. I just hoped he wouldn't do anything to Joe that could possibly cost them their next game. 

"I went to meet Joe earlier," I started, looking up at Sam for a reaction, but all he gave was a nod of encouragement. "I got upset and brought up Olivia when we were at the country club, so I wanted to apologize," I looked down at my lap and started to fumble with my fingers. "We met by the river and he started to get annoyed. He implied that it was my fault that he didn't play well the past two games," my hands started to shake at the memory, which Sam ended up noticing and took them into his own palm, squeezing them tightly. 

Looking up once again, I gave him a small smile of gratitude. "I tried to leave after he said that, but before I made it to my car he got close to me and his arm went on top the car door. It was like a switch flipped inside me and I felt an attack coming. I got out of there right away and called Nick," I continued. 

I leaned my head against his shoulder and could hear his breathing getting heavy. It was his turn now to calm himself down. Overprotective is an understatement for Sam. The way he tackles his opponents on the field and shoves them into the ground is nothing compared to what he would do if someone were to ever touch even a single hair on my body. I couldn't even imagine what he would do to Joe right now if he was here.

 "Sammy, please don't do anything to him. Let me talk to him one more time, before getting involved please," I tried to plead with him. I can't have anything happen between him and Joe right now, especially with the Jets game coming up in a couple days. Joe's already implied that he blames me for losing his other games and the last thing I want is to become another burden to him. I wouldn't be able to handle his torment. 

Sam sighed, his hold on my hands loosened, "Bubs, he triggered an attack, an attack that hasn't happened in 8 months. That idiot put you back into the darkest parts of yourself. How am I supposed to just let that go?" He looked at me with a questioning look, as if he was waiting for me to give him some sort of solution. "I don't care if he's my best friend, he should've known better than to get close to you like that," he growled, waves of anger and frustration radiating off of him. 

"I know, Sammy. But, It's probably all a misunderstanding. He must have been stressed out or tired over the weeks and I ended up being the one he took it out on. I'll talk to him, okay. Please let me try to handle this myself first," I tried to get through to him once again. My legs were criss-crossed now and I was no longer leaning against Sam. A deep feeling in my gut was telling me I had to do something. That if I didn't do anything now, Sam was going to do something that we'd later on both regret. 

I waited for his answer and watched him carefully. I noticed little twitches and movements in his eyebrows and lips as if he was deep in thought. Until, his gaze snapped to mine, but this time the warmth in them was gone without a trace, freezing me in place. His face remained unmoving like everything finally clicked into place. I finally realized, what my words had reminded him of.  "You're doing it again. It's the same excuses as last time," he coldly declared. Dread filled me at my mistake. It finally dawned on me, my breathing hitched as my throat went dry at the realization.

History was repeating itself.

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A/N: HII EVERYONE!!! I finally got a new update up for you guys!  I just want to say thank you so much for 3k+ reads and for voting + commenting it really makes my day! I received a bunch of love over this story and can't feel even more grateful for every single one of you <3

What did you think of the chapter and Sam's reaction?  I can't lie I did struggle with writing this chapter and cried a little in between at how emotional this chapter was. But, I hope you guys like it!

Please don't forget to vote, comment or share! I'd really appreciate it! Have a great day/night everyone and stay safe xxxx

- Love Alyssa

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