Orphans

Afterword

*Breathes in and out deeply*

Someone once said that most of writing isn't for the reader, but the writer. - these words couldn't be more true.

I broke your heart didn't I? Broke mine as well.

"Orphans" has been a difficult story for me to tell.

A story too close to home.

Writing "Taking Chances" was easy because it was something that came from the heart. But "Orphans"?? That one was difficult... It is a story from the soul- I have never had to deal with something as difficult as my own soul, writes someone.

It required me to handle themes such as that of loneliness, loss of innocence, death, depression, issues of self worth/esteem, sexual assault, grief... Issues so heavy, issues I myself still battle with and haven't healed from, but I had to tell this story. For myself. For my partner who passed away so unexpectedly and so suddenly last year in March (not suicide) flipping my entire life around, a battle I would not wish on anyone. For everyone out there who has had their partner or partners pass away... I had to write this story for us.

From the language, to the mostly lengthy chapters of the book, to the complex characterization... it all just foreshadowed how the events and turn out of the book was going to be, but I'm so proud I wrote it. With a heavy heart, tears in my eyes sometimes, but I'm so glad I wrote this story. It was important that I did, because like Maya Angelou said: there is no greater agony than that of an untold story.

It's the reality of our lives sometimes. Something there are no truly happy endings. Something life takes a turn we would have never expected. And I think even though some endings are tragic, they still deserve to be written about... It is afterall the essence of representation.

For a long time I felt unsatisfied with a lot of books I read here, not because they weren't well written or good, but because they just didn't give me the represantation I longed for. Until I came across a book that somehow gave me representation and I thought to myself, why don't I write about the stories I would love to read? And so my writing began and I'm grateful to have found readers who love my work and given me the support and motivation to continue writing. I also like to give my books a bit of fantastical elements here and there just to make it more interesting or give it that magical touch, hence the sparks with Zhoya... The stars and soulmate story/bond between Eli, Ana, D and Nadi...

Through my stories I also try to steer away from stereotypes. Hence you find that I have masculine presenting lesbian characters who are the little (babygirl). Because studs, stems, butches and other masculine presenting lesbians or sapphic women also deserve to be treated with gentleness, nurtured... They don't have to be so tough and hard all the time and they certainly don't owe anybody toxic masculinity or being "man like" all the time.

I wish for my books to revive the reading culture within the LGBTQI, especially the (mdlg/ddlg) community. I hope that people feel seen and represented whenever they read my books. I hope that they find comfort, I hope it is a safe space. I hope my books make you feel warm and giddy like a favourite childhood memory. And I hope they give you the motivation to continue reading books because you have found a book that you can if not fully but mostly identify with.

And if you have made it this far, thank you. Cry or dance if you need to, but go out and bask in the sun, make yourself your favorite cup of tea, listen to your favorite song, you deserve it.

And I hope that you know that you are never truly alone in what you are feeling. Someone across town, borders, continents feels or has felt the exact same way that you do. And that should count for  something, the knowledge that someone somewhere also feels the same even if they are miles away, we are bound by our sadness, our joy, our depression, our madness, our minority... There's magic in that.

I hope there is something you have learnt or taken from this book that will help you for the good, (being open minded certainly being at the top I hope!).  And I hope you give yourself grace. Forgive yourself over and over again. Give yourself many chances, take many chances.

And I hope to see you on the other side! (Of my next book of course).

Love,
Khetsiwe.