Lisa Simpson's New Friend

Chapter 9

I decided to call the Calabresis for a sit down in the Simpsons dining room exactly 1 hour from now, to cover my tracks for what I was going to do I had bought a special recorder so that when the police questioned me I could have evidence in my favor.

"Hello, is this Primo?" I asked when I heard the phone stop ringing. "Well, well, well if it isn't little Chef-girl-ar-gay. What do you want sweetheart? Do you want to beg us to put your dear old Papa in a permanent state instead of just a comma?" he said laughing at the thought of hurting my father even more. At this thought, I had momentarily lost my courage and spoke from the heart: "Why did you have to go and hurt my Papa like that? What did he ever do to you and your family?" I said crying a little bit as my voice was cracking. "He showed weakness by having a little girl who wants nothing to do with the criminal underworld and he has so much property in his name and once we kill you and anyone else who gets in our way we will have more than enough money to live comfortably for the rest of our lives," Primo said showing no signs of hesitating in the tone of his voice. "Can we schedule a sit down so that I can formally hand over all my father's territory? If I do that will you please just leave me, my Papa, and the Simpson family alone?" I asked silently praying to God that this monster would show us mercy and accept my offer. "Sure, I am not in the mood to kill more than just your father anyway." He replied as if I had just asked him something trivial. "OK, here is the address of where we will have the sit-down: 742 Evergreen Terrace," I told him in a calm tone of voice. "Perfect, what time will we be meeting?" Primo asked after making a note of the address. "How does an hour sound?" I asked. "Excellent the boys will be more than happy to hear about this. See you, in a little bit kid." He said. "See you then, Primo," I said hanging up the phone. Now is the time I had to put my plan into action.

I decided that I would be the only one responsible for tonight's feast, an Italian one that was going to knock them dead. Naturally, I used all the best ingredients but I had to make it so that the poison was undetectable to even the best scientists, Thallium, otherwise known as rat poison. But all I needed for my guests was just one that was the size of an orchid seed so small that you could barely see it unless you used a microscope. Once I saw the clock had said 8:30 PM I knew that I had to get dressed properly. I had dressed myself in the same outfit I wore when the Simpsons came over for dinner.

Once they arrived and we were all properly seated, I addressed them. "My friends, I surrender. I'm handing over all my father's territory, in exchange for the safety of my family and the Simpsons." I told them with much authority in my voice. "Sorry. We can only guarantee we won't hurt them." Primo said. "Yeah. You know, they've still got to eat right and exercise." Dante Sr. said. "Walk the dog once in a while. He's a furry little fitness machine." Dante Jr. explained adding to what they meant by "we won't hurt them".

"Well said. As for me, from now on, my only business is cooking." I said as I snapped my fingers so that the Simpson family could bring out the dinner, I made them. "You did the right thing, Elle. You weren't cut out to be a wise Alice." Dante Sr. said. Then he looked at Bart, "But you, you got a future in this business. Call me." He told him as he gave him his card. "Thanks, but I'm going into bootleg DVDs" Bart answered as he took out a crudely drawn version of a Batman movie he made with the Title: "Batman Begins".

As the Calebresis ate I went back into the kitchen to make the finishing touches on dessert. "It's so great Michelle's doing what she loves," Lisa said from behind me as she and her mother watched me work. "And I can stop looking the other way from what my husband is doing." Mrs. Simpson said as she looked at her husband staring at himself shirtless in the mirror. While I was still in the kitchen, I suddenly heard The Calabresis start choking on the food I made, and one by one they collapsed on the floor. Me and the Simpsons came in to see what all the noise was, "I want to be buried next to my wife, under that bridge in Jersey." Dante Jr. said as he passed away. Mrs. Simpson smelled one of the meatballs that she picked up off the floor and gasped, "Someone poisoned these meatballs. Homer?" she said as she asked her husband whether he had anything to do with this. I made two realizations at that moment: 1.) Next time try to use less poison when getting rid of someone and 2.) Thank Mrs. Simpson properly for being such a gracious host and promise that if she wishes I will never get in touch with Lisa ever again if she feels bad about letting her daughter's only friend be convicted of killing 3 mobsters.

"Hey, if I poisoned them, would I be doing this?" he said as he got a plate full of meatballs and started eating all of them until his wife took the plate away. "This is a chef's worst nightmare. I won't be using this recipe anymore." I announced as I tore the recipe in two. Afterwards, Mrs. Simpson called the police and that is when I let Chief Wiggum know about it from my end. And seeing as how he is about as smart as a Hillbilly, he naturally believed that I was in the right and was innocent in terms of what I had done because I was defending myself and the Simpson family.