Everlasting (Complete)

Everlasting Mourning

A/N: This story idea was taken from a poem which I wrote a long time ago, I’ll include the poem at the end of the story, it’s a very sad one, enjoy!

It’s been six months since I saw you, and every day still hurts as much as the week after you'd left, the day when I was sent a letter through the post, the letter containing those three words which I’d always been terrified of hearing, those words which told me that I’d never see you again and that I was alone in this world.

Killed in action.

The last time I saw you we’d spent Christmas together and I’d waved to you, crying as you boarded the train dressed in your military boots and trench coat with your shiny medals attached. I’d stood on the platform sobbing until the train vanished into the distance and I could barely make out a small black speck.

That train took you to your destination, and it took my heart with it.

I’m trying to write you a letter, of all our memories together, how I felt back then, how I still feel. I thought it would bring me closure but it hasn’t worked. I’m sat here in your favourite armchair with a pen in my hand but I can’t think of what to write. The tears are falling blurring my vision and making soggy holes in the paper.

I never did tell you that I was pregnant; I was waiting for your phone call. I wanted to surprise you but I never got the chance.

I remember how we’d be on a limited time limit and we’d divide it up between us, both of us talking so fast that the other one didn’t get a word in edgeways. Your voice was clear as scent and I’d keep talking even as I heard the dialling tone in my ear telling me that your time was up.

I never wanted you to go. I know that it was what you’d always wanted, to fight for your country but once we fell in love I’d thought that it would change, I didn’t expect for your time to be up so soon.

My chest hurts, I’ve cried so much that my face is swollen, my nose is running and I have a huge lump in my throat. I feel sick like all of the tears and emotions are churning in my stomach. The thing that hurts the most though is my heart.

Slowly I get up from the armchair, it gets harder every day as I put on weight. I on’t feel ready to have a child, I don’t want to be a single parent but it’s all I have left of you.

It’s going to be a boy they said and I’m going to name him Michael after you, I just wish that you’d get the chance to see him, I wish I could see you.

I’m walking into the bathroom, it’s dusty in here but I don’t want to clean it. If I clean it then the whole room will smell like disinfectant like the hospital, I’m not ready for that yet because if I close my eyes and concentrate really hard then I can still smell your cologne.

I look into the mirror, condensation from my ragged breath has caused it to mist over, I wipe it away carefully and stare into it, I look like a total mess.

But then something happens, something so utterly extraordinary that I can’t believe that it’s real, I wonder if it’s a trick of the mind caused by my overwhelming grief, your spirit is stood behind me...

I can see you Michael, I can’t hear you but I can see you! You’re walking towards me and your smiling put your hands on my stomach, can you feel him kicking? He’s going to be here soon, I think he's going to be a fighter, just like his daddy.

I can see you mouthing words, I can't hear them but I can just about manage to lipread what you're saying. They're the same words that I still say to you every night. The most important three words in my entire life...

I love you.

Before you had to go (the poem which inspired this story)

Here I am,

pen in hand nothing to write

silent tears falling.

It’s been six months since I saw you

climb on the train in your combats

military boots and trench coat with your shiny medals.

Every day I think of you

savouring the memories

two halves of a whole, our hearts beating as one

before you had to go.

I counted down the hours until you rang,

your voice as clear as scent,

talking down the phone, whispering into my ear

like you did back then.

I never thought you time would come so soon.

That day when they told me…

Killed in action.

I kept on hoping for a mistake

I refused to believe, praying for a miracle.

It never came.

BANG!

That’s the last noise you heard

as you hit that mine.

I imagine your last moments,

agony as you bleed out,

your heart failing you,

darkness.

Here I am

holding your medals,

remembering out hearts beating as one.

Before you had to go...