Listen To Me

chapter 2 ⋆ find me

When I go to the gym lockers at the end of the day, there's someone waiting for me.

It's one of the girls in my classes. I only know that because of her vibrant, bubble-gum hair. She's still smiling in my direction as I walk closer to her. I resist the urge to turn and check that she isn't looking at someone else.

"Excuse me, I need to put my bag away." I say to her, trying to respectfully move to open my locker. She doesn't take the hint.

"Hi, your name's Noel, right? I think I caught your name in AP English Lit."

I look at her without judgement. "Yes, why?"

She's still smiling, even though I've shown the barest traces of interest in my usual apathy.

"My name is Emily." she says ostentatiously. "I just wanted to say that I appreciate how real you are, compared to everyone else around here. I thought I was going crazy when I transferred to this school. Until I saw you."

"In what way am I real?" I ask her. Emily's smile is still plastered on her face, shiny and sparkling.

"Everyone's so perfect, and weirdly friendly." Emily leans in closer and talks softly. "But I saw how they treated you today. They hate you."

I'm beginning to feel strange, though I can't quite place the reason why.

"I saw the looks on their faces when you got sent out, and I saw your face. They were happy because you were hurt. I want to thank you for showing me who these people really are. So thanks."

A sharp, oddly tinny sound bursts in my ear as I register what she's just said. 

"Then you should know that they mentally torture me on a daily basis. And you haven't done anything about it."

My voice comes out harsher than I intend, but I don't care. I don't see Emily recoil; I only see flashes of previous years of ridicule and humiliation at my expense. My breathing quickens almost painfully. I feel my mind spiralling towards the familiar empty darkness again.

I feel strangled by my life. It hurts, but only as bad as an ache. Something that was already there, only intensified fragmentally. Maybe I'm too numb to feel it all at once.

But words continue to pour from a dark place in my soul. Emily just stands there as the tsunami falls upon her.

"This school isn't even the worst thing in my life. That would be the crippling loneliness. I don't know anymore. It's supposed to hurt me, but I can't feel anything anymore. If that's what you call real, then please stay away from me."

"I just meant..."

I don't care for what she means. I leave her standing at my locker.

I leave. Just like I do every day. After every class, with insults whispered behind my back.

///

Sociology and English feel so mundane. 

I don't believe that they were my favourite subjects once. My passion for them has waned dramatically over the past year. Occasionally, I pick up my textbooks and flick through them, but for the most part, I avoid work as much as possible. I might be shooting myself in the foot, but trying to fix my other problems is hard enough without the addition of schoolwork.

My mind feels like it's in a precarious balance, like a stack of rocks balancing on a singularity. If I push too hard, it'll collapse and my memory will break; along with me. I'm terrified by that notion; the idea that one day, I could just snap. My mind will give way, and I'll be left in a white room to rot by myself, forever.