Listen To Me

chapter 9 ⋆ date me

Jax

Noel looks like sunshine.

That's all I can think about as I watch her look out of the window, bracing her elbow against the windowsill. I've taken her to my favourite cafe, which is famous for its buttery scones and sweet teas, for our date.

I reach out to take her hand. Noel glances over at me, her pretty eyes dipping to focus on our intertwined fingers. She looks back up into my eyes. "How are you feeling?"

I lift her hand up to kiss along her fingertips, glancing up at her. "Better now you're here."

Noel grins. The white lace sleeves of her blouse flutter in the breeze, created by the open window we're sitting by. "That's cheesy, Jax."

I smile against my will. "You make me cheesy, I can't help it."

I can't explain it, but there's a quiet, settled calm to our relationship now. The loudness has been silenced, and this moment feels clear of tension. It makes me happy to think we've overcome so much together.

I watch Noel sip her hot chocolate, looking around the cafe. She tilts her head into me, like she's going to tell me a secret. I lean into her, listening curiously. "Don't those two look happy?"

I look over to the people she's indicating. An elderly man is offering a younger girl flowers, smiling tenderly at her. He kisses her cheek, and she smiles back at him.

I scrunch my nose, whispering in Noel's ear, "I'm really hoping that's not what I think it is."

Noel hits my shoulder lightly, laughing. "It's probably not! She could be his granddaughter, for all we know."

"But we don't know." I say, chuckling as I look away. "Do you want to go for a walk after we're done here?" 

Noel agrees. We finish our drinks quickly and she takes my hand as we leave the cafe. 

The rest of the day finishes itself in a blur of warmth. Noel sits opposite me, by this huge oak tree in a park we found together. Her long hair flows in a stream with the wind, and the warm look in her eyes is irresistible to me.

I grab her hand and run down the hill, hearing her shrieks as I race us to a secluded area, covered by leaves and the undergrowth. I turn to Noel and she kisses me feverishly, holding me against her skin. I move my lips to her collarbone, tracing a path to the strap of her dress. But when I slide it down with my teeth, to kiss along her breast, Noel freezes. 

She gasps, the breath in her chest stuttering. I feel it, because I'm so close to her. I move away immediately and fix her strap, my worried eyes seeing her own dilated and wild.

I feel her weight give way. Noel's body sinks into my arms as I catch her. I touch her forehead, and she's feeling hot. 

"Noel, you have to breathe." I say. My voice is shaking but I refuse to touch her further. I watch her try to steady herself, but all these efforts are failing. They're in vain.

I've seen panic attacks before, but never such a bad one. It looks like Noel can barely hear me. Touching her is the wrong thing to do right now. I stand and just look on, waiting and hating myself.

I watch the evergreen trees swaying in the wind, to distract myself from my own growing panic. The sun is torturously beating on our skin, hot and bright. Once Noel's erratic breathing becomes slower and steadier, I kneel to the ground. I tentatively reach out to gather her hand in mine. Her serious eyes flick to my face.

"I didn't know that I was going too far, Noel." I say somberly. "You always call the shots from now on."

I take her to my dorm room on school campus. When we reach, Noel collapses into the bed and covers herself in the blankets. She won't look at me, and it feels like my heart is tearing itself out.

I call Georgia, because I can't be alone. But as Georgia sits by Noel's side, gently running her fingers through Noel's hair, I back away and stand by Noel's door. I'm obscured by the side wall jutting out, covering me.

When Noel wakes, Georgia smiles tentatively at her. "I heard that you could use a friend."

Noel stares at her sleepily. "What happened?" she asks, her voice low but scratchy. Still jumpy from what happened. "Where's Jax? We were on our date."

"You had a panic attack." Georgia says calmly. "You're in Jax's room, and he called me to take care of you."

I see when Noel's defences come back up. She stares at Georgia warily. "Is he okay?"

"He's fine." Georgia reassures her. Her eyes turn subtly to me. "He's a lot closer than you think."

Noel stares at her, trying to discern the meaning behind Georgia's conspicuous remark. Deciding there are more important things to worry about, she asks other questions. "How long have you known Jax?"

This might get uncomfortable for me.

Georgia's smile softens. "A few years. We used to go to the same school, like I said. Then Jax transferred here."

"That's weird." Noel says. She looks confused. "I thought I saw something today. It was like a dream."

"What was it?" Georgia asks.

"I saw a picture of you in the school trophy room." Noel replies. "I thought you had a twin sister, or something. The girl was on the chess decathlon, and she wore glasses and braces."

Georgia's perfect eyebrows crease as she smiles. "Noel, you're being silly. That's not me."

Noel frowns, but the smile on her face remains fixed. "Oh, then I must have made a mistake. My bad, Georgia."

I take that as my cue to enter the room. Georgia stands up, her smile becoming genuine as we exchange a look. I pass her and sit by Noel, forcing my expression to remain neutral. I know that Noel can't stand pity.

"How are you feeling?" I ask, kissing her knuckles.

She peers back at me warily. "Better. Thanks for taking me here."

"That's what boyfriends do." I joke awkwardly, but I manage to elicit a weary laugh from my girlfriend. I glance at Georgia and she takes the cue to leave, shutting the door quietly. I search Noel's eyes with my own. "Are you not okay with us getting more intimate?"

"Emotionally, I'm happy with where we're going. But I'm struggling more on the physical side." she administers this revelation with a sweet smile, bright enough to light up any room. "Is it okay if we stick to kissing from now on? Nothing further than that?"

I smile, brushing her forehead with my fingers. "That suits me, love. You're definitely better now though, right?"

Noel settles back into her pillow, raising her arms to me. "I could be better, if you stayed with me for a few hours."

I move to lie down next to her, gathering her into my arms. I kiss her forehead softly. "You never have to ask, Margot."

///