Listen To Me

chapter 18 ⋆ heal me

Jax

I'm lying in bed, thinking about Noel when I hear Emily's worried voice filtering through the door.

I get up to open the door, just as Arden pushes it the other way, and he topples over onto the floor. "Ow." he mumbles, rubbing his head. He perks up when he sees me. "Jax, we need to talk."

I frown. "Okay, what about?"

Arden rolls his eyes. "Emily and I- oh, you didn't ask who I mean by we."

"Because I'm not blind." I point out as Emily carefully steps over Arden's prone body. I turn to her for answers. "What's going on?"

"It's Noel. She found out about you being at school two years ago." Emily says flatly, and I pale.

"That's one way of putting it." Arden mutters. He glances up at me. "Hey, do you think she remembers me?"

"I think Jax is more worried about the fact that his girlfriend probably thinks he's been lying to her for months." Emily shrugs.

"I don't understand why it's such a big problem." Arden disagrees. "Everyone has skeletons in the closet. If Noel saw us two years ago, she'd never have so much as looked at us. Why can't we move on from the past?"

Emily frowns. "You have to think about it from Noel's perspective. She's been dating Jax for months, but they used to be friends two years ago and she had no idea. The girl's going to feel a little shocked."

"So does she need comfort? What the hell am I supposed to do in this situation?" I scoff, pacing across my room. I go to the door, itching to yank it open and walk over to Noel's room. But I don't even know if she wants to see me now.

"Wait." Emily advises, her pale blue eyes sombre. "You can't do anything more, Jax. Noel needs to decide what she wants."

"Unusually decent advice, Emily." Arden compliments her, and she scowls at him. "Seriously, I agree with her. We can watch a couple movies, maybe do some homework. If she wants to see you, Noel will take the first step."

I exhale, running a hand through my hair. "I'm trusting you both."

Emily smiles at me. "Where would you be if you didn't?"

///

After dinner, I go to the library for some consolation. The classroom where I met Noel is poisoned by memories of seeing her bullying firsthand.

My memories are tainted with regrets. I could have done more for her. When I came back, I suspected that Michael had some hand in Noel's descent from popularity, but I never saw this coming.

I close my eyes, rubbing my forehead with my fingertips. He tried to assault her, and he succeeded. The morning after, he made sure her reputation was mud. Even thinking about it is enough to send me into a white-hot rage.

I swear that if I ever see Michael again, I'll make him pay.

The only thought that makes my rage dissipate is Noel. I don't want her to suffer; she's been through enough. Instinctively, I know that she wouldn't want a white knight on a horse to save the day.

She would want comfort. Reassurance.

It's my fault for not being honest with her. I know that. But when she told me about Michael, it was like a blow to the head. There was no warning that a character from our past would be dredged up.

A rustle from one of the bookshelves nearby distracts me from my thoughts. I turn to see none other than my girlfriend leaning against the shelf, looking at me.

I want to ask how long she's been there, but I feel like this isn't the right time.

Noel's eyes are weary, and it looks like she's been crying. "You knew about Michael, even before I told you. Right?"

I blow out a quiet breath. "Sort of. I only knew about the rumors Michael spread, nothing else."

"Can you tell me about them?" Noel demands, her ice queen image fitted perfectly back into place. I know that a sweet, genuine person lies behind her veneer.

I also know that she wants me to be honest with her.

"That you begged him to sleep with you, then he left you the following night."

The following silence is sharp, icy cold.

"Why did you leave school?" Noel follows up her first question. I stare at her thoughtfully, the light from my desk-lamp illuminating us both.

"I left because I loved you." I say, then I wish I never had. The second Noel hears me, the blood drains away from her face.

"Why?" she whispers.

I shrug, a bitter laugh escaping me. "You're asking me why I loved you? I have no idea. But every time I saw you, there would be this strange feeling in my chest, like someone was squeezing it to death. When you spoke to me, I could barely believe my luck."

"Stop it." Noel protests, sounding like she's in agony. "Please Jax, stop talking."

But once I've unleashed the dam, it's impossible to rebuild. "I swear, when I came back, I didn't want to see you again. I was planning to sit through senior year quietly, then leave. But I saw how lonely you still are, and I wanted to be there for you."

"My knight in shining armor?" Noel rolls her eyes, and I realise just how right I was. She was never supposed to be saved.

"Never. What have I done for you that you couldn't do yourself? Nothing. Only you had the courage to face Mason."

"That doesn't change the fact that you intentionally manipulated my feelings. Did you take advantage of knowing me before? Why didn't you tell me anything?"

"Because it wouldn't help you. Two years ago, I always saw you with people except on one occasion."

"When was that?"

"You were outside the school, on the lawn. Sitting against an oak tree, with a pencil in your hand; it skated across the page as your hand guided the thing. And you looked so at peace."

After I'd known Margot- really known her- I wanted nothing more than to shield her from what life had served on a gold-laced platter. But I was starting to realize that she didn't want me to. She needed to figure out how to do it herself.

"I'm sorry, Jax," Margot said softly, "But I don't think you can save me. Not this time."

"I'm not going to save you, Margot." I say, sighing.

Her caramel eyes fix on me. "Why not?"

"Because I know that you can save yourself."

///