Book IV of the UNC Series
Carter Blake has a bone-deep hatred for the world-and especially for the people in it. All he wants is to keep his head down, focus on school and basketball, and avoid the mess of human connection. After enduring years of...
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I've been in a mood all week. I hate everything about my life, ignoring the harsh reality of knowing I'm the cause of all my problems.
I don't understand why the news of Ryan's pregnancy hit me so hard.
This was her and Carsen's to share. They didn't need to tell me anything, especially if they didn't want to. It's not like they owe me anything. Especially since I've been actively avoiding them for the better part of the last three years.
Yet, knowing I succeeded doesn't fill me with the relief I thought I would get.
Why is it that the concept of pushing everyone away is a much easier theory than actually doing it?
When I first decided to isolate myself, it felt like the right move, the best thing to keep Inez away from Carsen. He was able to pay him off the last time, but I don't want that to become a habit. I don't want Carsen to lose everything he has because of Mom, because of me.
But now Carsen has a lot more to lose. Not only the career and life he's made for himself but also the family he's found.
And I can't be why he loses them—Ryan and their new baby.
I grit my jaw in determination as I slow to a jog, resolute and firm in my decision despite the ache in my chest. Sliding the headphones around my neck, I hear Olive panting and waddling beside me.
She's not used to running around, but she's been a great sport, keeping up with me as I jog around the block. She's been accompanying me on my runs since Addison's panic attack, as it seems she's been enjoying it and itching for some fresh air.
And today, when I needed to get out, needed the fresh air, the cool crispness to help clear my head and give me a distraction that I otherwise wouldn't get in a gym, I decided to take Olive out with me.
Sweat sticks to my clothes and skin, my back drenched as I head back to the apartment. My pulse races in my temples, and a foul waft exudes from me as I create a cloud of white puffs every time I exhale. My skin is flushed and warm to the touch, and stepping into the front foyer does little to help with the warmth consuming me as the hot air coming through the vents sears me.
I give Olive, who looks about ready to collapse, a grim smile. Obviously, she hasn't been getting out or the needed exercise, but she did well for what I'm assuming is her first few weeks of running. I did have to slow down a few times when I noticed her trailing behind me, trying to catch her breath. I'm glad for the water bottle I brought, which she inhaled around the second bend of our jog.
She doesn't seem that old; still relatively young and healthy, just slightly overweight and dragging her feet. I don't blame her when she barely has a chance to go outside unless it's late at night when Addison returns from classes and wherever else she disappears.
Usually, despite the burn in my legs, I'll take the stairs, but for Olive's sake, not for the first time this week, I head toward the back and take the elevator up. Olive keeps her head bowed as if waiting for the moment she can stop and just let go.
