Book IV of the UNC Series
Carter Blake has a bone-deep hatred for the world-and especially for the people in it. All he wants is to keep his head down, focus on school and basketball, and avoid the mess of human connection. After enduring years of...
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I lie awake, staring up at the white ceiling. Carter's words from last week echo in my mind on repeat. I don't know why they hurt so much. I've never let anyone else influence me in such a way.
When Ricky talks down to me, I react instinctively based on my past experiences and the trauma I've endured at his hands. Still, at least with Ricky, there's an expectation; I know what he'll do.
Spencer, I don't genuinely care about him. Although I might always return to him, at the end of the day, he doesn't matter. His words and actions have no impact. He's merely a crutch I use to get through life and cope with being alone.
But Carter? I don't know why his words packed such a heavy punch. They continuously float around like gnats that refuse to leave you, circling my mind repeatedly.
A knot forms in my throat, making it hard to swallow around it, and I realize that for the first time in a while, I feel the urge to cry. It can't be because of what Carter said.
He's too insignificant in my life. He doesn't matter.
Yet, it's true that I've come to rely on him—stupidly. After years of pushing everyone away, his presence has become welcomed. I have started to appreciate him even if I don't see him as often. Our quiet dinners together, the ease with which we just sit together in the same room without talking, are comforting.
Sure, I'm not the easiest to be around. Especially for Carter, who I seem to always want to pick a fight with. I cringe at the reminder of the last argument we had. Something so inconsequential, and yet I freaked out because I couldn't find Olive.
I never thought she would be so taken with him, but they developed a relationship that was beyond me. This is what I was afraid of.
To be dependent on someone else again. I don't need Carter in my life. But he's become this stagnant point I've come to rely on.
He's there when I need company, he's there when I need help with Olive, he's there to ensure I'm not going crazy. When I fear that the dark figure will come back for me, I know I rest easy because Carter's sleeping in the other room.
We might not have had the easy friendship or love I had with Olivia, but he's a fixture in my life now—and that's what I didn't want.
I know how hard it was for me to leave everyone behind. When I had to push Noah and Penny away. It still hurts now when I run into them. Their pain is so tangible that it's a physical burn to force them away. I feel the heat of it searing across my skin.
So, I know how much pushing someone that even Olive relies on will hurt.
Maybe I'm always destined to have relationships with Spencer and the likes of Ricky. I can't have nice, healthy relationships because something always happens to them.
Mom died. Olivia died. Noah and Penny were the only ones left, and I had to push them away before something happened.
