QUEEN OF DIAMONDS

CHAPTER 54

'And it's hard, the days just seem so dark. The moon, the stars, are nothing without you. No words can explain the way I'm missing you.'
I barely made it through 2 months. During the funeral I broke down when Lorenzo played a piano rendition of Lay Me Down by Sam Smith, and one of Tshego's favorite songs: I'm Gonna Be Alright by Harrison Mkhize. Andile had to literally carry me away from Tshego's grave because I wouldn't leave, even after it got dark and cold. I gave Lorenzo the ring and we had a mini crying session together. After that we went Hammarsdale for a cleansing ceremony and a funeral for the baby. I couldn't even bear to watch the tiny coffin sink in to the ground. I tried to get over everything by throwing myself into work and I was doing well until Kim dropped a thick binder on the floor. It sounded like a gunshot and I had a panic attack. I was already having nightmares of the incident and crying myself to sleep every night so Andile forced me to go to therapy with Dr Remolds who wanted me institutionalized for a while but I downright refused. We ended up on agreeing on me going to isolate myself in Durban where I've been hiding out for the past month while having over-the-phone sessions with Dr Remolds. I've been clinically diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety and have been taking some pills for my anxiety. Loud sounds and screeching tires trigger my anxiety so Andile chose an apartment that's pretty far from civilization, with no roads or people. Andile flies down here every. single. Goddamn. day. But I'm usually too drugged to hold a proper conversation with him. When I'm not heavily drugged, I still don't talk because I feel like if I open my mouth I'll just cry. He's here once again tonight, eating alone because I struggle to keep food down. I've become so thin and hollow that I don't even recognize myself anymore. "Andile, I think we should get a divorce," I say looking at him. He looks surprised, probably more so because I've spoken than at what I've said. "Huh?" he asks swallowing his food. "I said I think we should get a divorce," I repeated, already feeling exhausted from speaking so much. "Why?" he asked looking directly at me from across the table. "I don't love you the way you deserve to be loved anymore. I don't feel anything for anyone anymore. I feel like I'm holding you back from being happy, and I want you to be happy. I don't want you to be unhappy and stuck with someone who doesn't love you," I say then breathe in deeply. I feel so much lighter now, I really need Andile to be happy, away from me and my depressing energy. "It's okay, I have enough love for the both of us," he said and goes back to eating. He's really not taking me seriously. "Andile, I'm serious. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired," I said. "It's fine, go to bed you'll wake up feeling more energized," the idiot replied. He thinks I'm a joke. "Andile, I'm being serious," I said. "Nami I'm being serious. I'm not going anywhere and neither are you. If you're tired, go to bed. If you don't love me anymore, I love you enough for the both of us. There's no out in this relationship, Keabetswe regardless of what has happened in the past. I wasn't lying when I told you, in front of hundreds of people, that I'll love you forever. I don't want to be happy with anyone but you maMoloi. And if you aren't happy, then I'm not happy," he said. I don't know when he got up but I feel his arms around me as I cry. "It hurts so bad Andile, I can't take it anymore. I should have died Andile, I can't live with this pain," I said and lifted me into his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist. "MaMoloi, ndijonge. I'm sorry and I understand your pain, but ndiyakucela toho, don't say things like that. I can't lose anything more than I already have. I love you, the kids love you. Everyone loves you, please hold on to that. Don't do what I think you want to do. Ndiyakucela MaMoloi. You are going to be okay, it doesn't seem like it now but you're going to be okay. I'll make sure of it," he said staring into my eyes intensely. What did I do to deserve him?

×××
Andile

"Come in," I said and Jessica walked in with a bottle of scotch in hand. "Good morning, boss," she said putting the bottle on my desk. "Morning Jessica," I said. There's nothing good about this morning because if it was, my wife wouldn't be going through all the things she's going through. "I would say you're here early but then that's your new normal," she said. "Yep, the earlier I come in the earlier I can leave to fly down to Durban," I said looking back at the report I was filling out. "It must get tiring at some point," she said. "Nothing is tiring when it comes to Keabetswe," I said. "Now how can I help you Jessica?" I asked finally looking up. "I just wanted to say, happy birthday," she said holding up the bottle. "That's today?" I asked. "Don't tell me you forgot," she said. "I have other, much more important things on my mind, Jessica," I said. "I know, which is why I'm taking you out to dinner tonight," she said excitedly. "I can't, I'm busy as I've already mentioned," I said and she pouted. "I promise I won't keep you that long. We can resume from where we left off the last time...," she said with a smirk. "That was a moment of weakness. A mistake, Jessica. It's never going to happen again, okay?" I replied getting a little pissed off. "Oh come on, don't be such a bore. It will just be a once off thing, we don't have to go there. And I hate begging you know that. Don't make me beg, I might just slip up and tell some-" she started but I cut her off. "Are you trying to threaten me Jessica?" I asked. "No, of course not. I was merely saying -" she said but I stood up, towering over her and she thankfully shut up. "Lalela la, that thing you keep referring to, was a mistake. It's never going to happen again and you are never going to bring it up. Nxa, threatening me? Uyanya. Actually, voetsek Jessica phuma" I said pointing at the door. "Ngithe phuma!" I repeated when she didn't move. She hurriedly got out of her chair and scampered away.