Him❤️

My Attachment to Him

My attachment to him I don't know how to describe. I mean I could put it into words but I don't believe words could justify the wave of emotions that I feel.

This connection is magnetic. It's addicting. The waves of emotions that flies my system when around him I want to feel for a life time.

He's a kind, sweet soul who yearns to be loved. He's playful and genuine with a good heart. He treats me with kindness and care. At times he's frightened that he'll harm me or frighten me away. Sometimes I think he sees me as a flower, delicate, fragile...He tries to conserve the demons and monsters that consume him and occupy his mind. He hides the pain behind his laugh and smile that he puts on like a mask in a play. He plays the part so well...Even for me.

At the start we talked for hours, nonstop, every single day. Our conversations ranging to anything and everything. We were full of happiness and passion. I grew quite attached to the moments spent with him. I'm still very attached to every moment.

I fear I've become dependent on him too much sometimes . I fear that his words affect me and have a weight over my emotions that is to a limit that they shouldn't. I fear I may have gotten too.  attached; that if he were to leave, my heart would crawl it's way out of my chest, up my throat, out of my mouth, and it would fall to the floor, erupting in a crash of shattered glass or burst into flames to leave behind piles of ash.

I find on days we talk less the same things are said. The "I miss you(s)" and, "I miss you more(s)." I believe on these days I yearn for real conversation and connection more. I yearn for a more poetic side from him. One deeper in emotion.

I want to know everything about him. I want to read his emotions, know his thought. I wanna hear his opinions on even little minor things. Sometimes I try to start conversation but I find it lie on death ears.
He's not one to talk much. Often he barely speaks a word. I try to ask about his day but vagueness slips his lips. I try to express myself or bring up any topic of interest to at least get his attention but it works little. In almost a ironic sense.

When my mind is in the depths of chaos I cannot help but wonder: Is it me? Have I become to anxious? Too attached? Too needy perhaps? Is it in my head, these feelings?  Sometimes I fear he's slipping away. I fear he's building walls without realizing, that he's distancing himself even more. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to ask. Do I bring it up? Start a conversation or is it starting a fight? What if no change occurs? What then? I'm scared...I'm anxious and maybe in my head.

Part of me says it's in my head. It says he treats me well. He opens doors for me, holds me when I'm triggered or breaking down, he calms me. But part of me well...it wants a little more. I guess that sounds a bit selfish in a way. It yearns for the things he started to do but hasn't in awhile. It wants flowers just because (even if they're random wildflowers); it wants love notes and random reassurance. I want to be surprised with dates or little paragraphs. I want to have days where we do nothing but romantic, cheesy, wholesome, gross coupley things. I want to bake together and paint and read.

Surely he has hopes and needs and desires as well. But a word I hear of them not unfortunately. I would love to hear every word of his dreams. I'd admire him as he talks and shares with me every word of his aspirations.

Some may say I'm a hopeless romantic at heart and this is true. I yearn for the love that's older then time. The parts you see throughout history. It's an old type of love that I see in him on and off.

This may all seem eccentric but I love him to my hearts content. He puts the chaos to rest and makes peace within the  vb storm that is my soul. He provides a safeness I have never felt before, a calmness I haven't seen since being little.

Describing my attachment to him gives me pause. There are so many words to describe it yet none can come to mind that seem to fit; none that are near perfect. I think of him throughout the day. Daydream about us side by side. I tell him my deepest thoughts and opinions and secrets.

He's the only person who can really say that they know me and know who I am. He's the only one to know the way my mind composes thoughts and actions.

I wish to bring to him a safe and happy place. I wish to be his home. His peace.