You Have My Devotion- Zarry

One Reason

12 September 2021

I woke up stuck with a thought. I cannot wait to tell you. But first, let me tell you I am sorry I misplaced you. But I got myself a new you so that I can continue to write my thoughts. I should be sad but I am not. It's not like I ever read any of my entries it must have been misplaced while I moved back to my parent's house. Can't really pay rent with no job. So there is that.

But hey, I am trying to get over the past and hopefully get a new job. Keeping myself busy is the only way to keep an overthinker off his thinking. Besides the doctor is shit, therapy is shit. I really hope I can convince Dad, I don't want to waste my time going there. When I could be doing something productive with my time.

Enough venting, here goes my thought.

An endless universe with endless possibilities

Endless opportunities to start again

Yet my heart finds your heart familiar in all of them.

***

"He has got a bit of a temper. But it will go away with time Yaser," Early in the morning as he goes to get his breakfast the whispering in his kitchen makes him stop dead in his tracks. He knows they are talking about him.

"I don't know Trish, maybe we shouldn't be so blinded by our love for him. The doctors did advise a 24*7 supervision would do him much good," His father is right Zayn reckons because just the sentence is enough to fill him with hot rage and he should really not listen anymore but he can't bring himself to move away.

"I am not sending my son to a mental hospital, you get that," Maybe he gets the temper from his own mother. He walks into the kitchen and then tries to get them to stop discussing him he doesn't to be a reason for them to start fighting he has already done enough damage.

Both of them stop immediately as soon as they look up at him, and the room is suddenly filled with awkward energy that makes him want to run away, "Good morning sunshine," Trisha pecks his cheek as she ushers him to the dining table for breakfast. But Zayn is no longer in the mood.

"Actually, mum. I called Louis, we are gonna grab something on the way," He lies and maybe she knows he is but doesn't push him further.

Naturally, he doesn't go to Louis's instead he ends up on the terrace next building, it's forty-five floors and he stands there on the edge at the corner it feels good, early morning wind feeling up his lungs, it doesn't do much to clear up his mind. Instead fills it up with random thoughts as he thinks about how his life was peaceful before he went and screwed up everything.

He blames it on Mr. Diaz for clearing him up for a driver's license. He hated driving anyways, and now he is not sure whether he will ever be able to drive again. He is not sure he would ever find peace again.

He read somewhere, maybe on the Capital. Death is peaceful. For a brief moment, he considers if that is the only chance of calmness he has left now. Will he regret it? Do people regret ever committing suicide? I mean not after, but right before the moment when the last ounce of life is squeezed out of you, do you think maybe I shouldn't have given up, maybe I should have tried again? This is a stupid decision, maybe some do, some don't.

Standing there on the edge he thinks if he is brave enough to know the answer to the question. He looks down and he knows he is high above the ground and a little step forward is all he needs. Instead, he takes a step down and still stands there close to the edge deciding he doesn't wanna die. He remembers he prayed hard at that moment when he was actually close to losing it all.