What I Should Have Said

14

A million thoughts raced through Elizabeth's head. There was a part of her relieved about the old scar her friend once left when she moved away and never heard from her again. It was good to be on good terms but those same confusing emotions she struggled with at 12 were flooding back. She entered her apartment and saw the kitchen light on. Alex was pouring himself juice and looked over at her, "How was dinner babe?" He asked.

She threw her things down by the door and approached him without saying a word. She threw her arms around him and crashed her lips onto his. He was taken aback by her behavior and slightly pulled her off. "What was that about?" He questioned. "I just missed being away from you for so long and I need you." She whispered and looked down at his lips and back up to meet his gaze. "O-okay."He nodded, still surprised as she pulled him back in for a kiss.

He lifted her up and carried her off to the room. She felt the soft cushion of their bed against her back as he laid her back in bed, the room was dark. She kept her lips attached to his as they stripped away their clothing. She felt his lips move to her neck while he positioned her. She stared at the dark ceiling tolerating what came after. She faked the sounds of pleasure and bliss and put on a believable show, while the darkness of the room masked the tears that were slowly slipping out of her eyes.

-

She stared at the ceiling in silence as Alex caught his breath. "You okay?" He asked, placing a gentle hand over hers. She faintly smiled and nodded. He propped himself up on his side and admired the little bits of her he was able to make out in the dark. "Did something happen at dinner?" He asked. She shook her head, "No. Dinner was nice. I just missed you." He nodded and held her hand, "Do you want me to take care of you?" He asked. She shook her head and sat up, "I think I'm just going to go freshen up and I'll be back out." She softly smiled. "Are you sure?" He asked. "I'm sure." She replied and went off to the bathroom.

She ran the shower and waited for it to get warm. She stepped under the water and let it run over her. She stood in silence and tried to scrub herself clean, clean of the dirty feeling she couldn't physically scrub away. She frantically scrubbed away at her body, hyperventilating and fighting back the tears. It was normal, this is what everyone said was okay and normal. It was normal, it's what she said she wanted, at least that's what she was telling herself. But there was always this dirty lingering feeling that followed her after that she didn't understand.

She slowly slipped back against the shower wall. She hugged her knees and silently cried as the water continued to fall on her and the emotion overcame her as she continued to tell herself:

This is normal.

This is what I want.

This is normal

This is what I want.

---

Elizabeth sat in her father's hospital room reviewing the documents she had left him the week before. He observed his daughter in silence and tried to make conversation, "How have you been honey?" He asked. She glanced up from the documents, "Don't try to make polite conversation if you don't care." She coldly replied and continued to read through the documents.

He was hurt but still tried to keep a smile on his face. It hurt him to think his daughter viewed him as disingenuous and that he didn't care. "So are you fine with all of this? should I let the lawyer know you want to finalize it?" She asked. He nodded.

There was a knock at the door. Elizabeth looked over and saw one of the nurses peek in, "Sorry for the interruption but there was an extra special delivery made for Mr. Hayes." The nurse smiled and entered with a floral arrangement of lilies and lavender flowers. "Who is that from?" Mason smiled. "I didn't check, I was just told it was a special delivery." The nurse smiled and set the arrangement down on a table near the window. "Thank you." Elizabeth faintly smiled as the nurse left.

"Is there a girlfriend you haven't told me about? Another florist Dad?" Elizabeth joked. He chuckled and shook his head, "No, I'm just as surprised as you are."

Elizabeth walked over to look at the card that was tucked in the arrangement.

I hope these give you a reason to smile today. - Taylor

Elizabeth slightly smiled as she read the note. Mason noticed his daughter's smile and got curious, "Who sent them?"

"Taylor." She replied and handed him the note.

He read it and smiled to himself. "How did she know I was here?" He asked.

"We had dinner about a week ago. I was checking on the house for you and she was in town visiting her old house when we ran into each other. She invited me to dinner and we caught up again." She explained, taking the note back and reading the note once more.

He smiled and noticed a different look on his daughter's face that he hadn't seen before. "Well that was very kind of her, let her know I greatly appreciate it." He nodded. "I'll let her know right now." She said as she grabbed her phone and looked for Taylor's number.

She dialed the number and waited for an answer. "Hello?" Taylor's voice came through. "Why the friendly gesture tater tot?" Elizabeth asked and looked over at the arrangement. Taylor's laugh echoed through the phone," You would think after 20 years that nickname would finally die." She joked. "Gives me even more of a reason to annoy you with it." Elizabeth slightly smirked.

Her father quietly listened and observed his daughter. She seemed less tense and more lively than she normally was.

"We're 33 now Betty can we let it go?" Taylor asked. "Would you prefer pa-tayter?" Elizabeth joked. There was a pause for a moment. "Let's just stick with tater tot." Taylor replied as they both laughed. "So back on topic, what's all of this about?" Elizabeth asked. "Just wanted to do something nice for your dad. I know what it must be like to have to see your parent in such a horrible state and any little nice gesture helps put a smile on someone's face." Taylor explained.

"Thanks. My dad really appreciates it." Elizabeth smiled.

"I'm glad. I have to go, I'm a little busy at the moment. But I'll talk to you later?" Taylor asked.

"I'd like that." Elizabeth smiled.

"Bye, I'll talk to you soon." Taylor replied and hung up.

Mason noticed the smile lingering on Elizabeth's face. "So you're both friendly again?" He asked. "Yeah, it's honestly just been nice to...have a friend again." Elizabeth nodded. "You two were always so close when you were younger, I don't think I remember a time you two weren't. You were always attached at the hip." He chuckled. Elizabeth faintly smiled. She did remember the time they weren't together anymore, it was a deep feeling of guilt and sadness that made its way in and out of her mind whenever she was reminded of it.

It was 20 years of guilt and a world full of reminders.