What I Should Have Said

38

Elizabeth's hands tightly gripped the steering wheel. Alex kept trying to get a hold of her but she ignored his calls and continued to drive. She kept thinking about what the minister had told her. Anyone could say they love you, but what do those words mean when a person's actions never reflect it? How could someone say they love you and hurt you at the same moment? It never made sense. 'Love' is such an overused word everyone says but never means. How was she supposed to believe it ever meant something when the people who said to her left her or hurt her? How was she supposed to know what love truly was when she had been told the love she was starting to feel was bad or dangerous?

'Love' had become so misconstrued to her she didn't even know what the word meant anymore.

She pulled up in front of her mother's home and got out of the car. Her mother walked out of the house as soon as she recognized the car. "Betty?" Eleanor asked with a soft smile. Elizabeth made her way toward the house. "How fucking could you?!" Elizabeth shouted. Eleanor was taken aback by her daughter's immediate hostility. "What?" Eleanor questioned.

"How the fuck can you say you love me when you abandoned me!" Elizabeth shouted.

"Betty I..."Eleanor struggled to find the words to respond.

"Do you have any fucking clue how hard it's been on me all these years with you gone? I needed you!" Elizabeth shouted in frustration tears slowly formed in her eyes. " How can you say you love me but up and left me and never even bothered to fight for me?"

Eleanor looked away in silence, slightly ashamed to look her daughter in the eye. Elizabeth began to shake from the anger, "I don't care what the hell you are or who the hell you choose to live your life with. I needed you! I hated myself for years thinking something was wrong with me!" Elizabeth shouted. Eleanor looked over at her slightly confused. "I was confused and worried sick for years that something was wrong with me only to find out years later my own fucking mother abandoned me to go live a life she told me, was wrong."

"Betty, what are you saying?" Eleanor questioned.

"I lost the love of my life because of you!" Elizabeth shouted as tears streamed down her cheeks.

"I don't understand." Eleanor replied.

"I let the love of my life go and pushed her away because you told me it was wrong and I thought I would be doing us both a favor." Elizabeth glared, Eleanor stared at her in slight shock trying to process what her daughter had told her. "But unlike you, I can own up to the fact that I fucked up to some extent because that's what Dad taught me. Not you! because he stayed. He loved me. He never once blamed you or anyone else for the bullshit he knew was his own fault. But you have made nothing but bullshit excuses!"

"I used to think Dad was the bad parent. But I was wrong. It was you. I didn't understand until I found out I was almost about to be a mother. All I could think about was how I could never imagine abandoning that child like you did. I could never be you. I won't be." Elizabeth glared. "So you know what? go and be happy with the stupid new garden you replaced ours with. Our garden was never the same and I couldn't continue it without you but it's nice to know that never affected you and you happily replaced it."

Eleanor looked away in shame.

"You told me love was about risk. It was about what you're willing to risk for the ones you love. I guess I was never worth the fucking risk." Elizabeth coldly replied and walked off to her car.

Eleanor silently watched as her daughter got back into her car and left her.