What I Should Have Said

31

Elizabeth made her way up to her apartment. The entire ride home she thought about the conversation she had with her mother and what her mother had told her.

Love is when you can't imagine your life without that person in it. It's the panic you feel when you think about your life if you lost them.

All she could think about was Alex. She knew she hadn't been fair to him. He was right. She was going to marry him and she couldn't even bother to be honest and let him know what was happening.

The thought of losing him scared her. He had become such an important part of her life during such a difficult time, way before they ever became anything serious. He was her best friend. She loved him. The thought that she hurt him so bad that he finally got tired of her and left filled her with anguish the entire day.

She unlocked the door to her apartment expecting to come home to a lonely apartment but saw Alex sitting and waiting in the living room. He immediately stood as she entered, concern written all over his face.

"I was worried sick. I was out clearing my mind this morning and I came home to try and talk to you and didn't find you anywhere and I-" He went off on a rant but was silenced by Elizabeth rushing into his arms to wrap him in a tight hug.

He was surprised by her show of affection and returned the hug. "What happened?" He asked.

"I'm sorry. I know I've been difficult and I know you've been trying...I'm sorry. I'm just glad you're home, I thought I lost you." She said as she continued to tightly cling to him. He smiled faintly and comfortingly rubbed her back, "I'm not going anywhere." He whispered.

She surprisingly felt relieved to hear those words coming from him. She knew his love for her was always genuine, it was typically hard for her to believe anyone who said they genuinely loved and cared about her when their behavior never seemed to reflect their words.

Everyone's words felt meaningless to her. But Alex's didn't. He knew her at her best and still loved her and stayed at her worst. He was the only one who ever seemed to fight the hardest to stay when it felt like no one else could be bothered. He showed her he cared.

"Do you think you'll be okay for the party this weekend? Because I can tell Simon to call it off." He offered. Elizabeth shook her head and held his hands.

"No we should enjoy it...they're celebrating our engagement. It's something special worth celebrating." She smiled. He smiled and kissed her hands," Then let's make sure we're dressed to the nines and wow everyone there." She smiled and nodded in agreement.

--

Elizabeth and Alex sat in silence while Alex tried to process everything she had told him.

"So your mom came back?" He asked. Elizabeth nodded, "The hospital called her the night they couldn't get ahold of me and she showed up." She replied. "Why show up after all these years to see him if she didn't bother to come around before?" He asked. "I think she wanted to see me more than she wanted to see him. He just gave her the excuse she needed to come find me."She shrugged.

"But why come look for you now? Where the hell was she the past 20 years?" He questioned. Elizabeth remained silent. She understood and finally knew why, but she still felt ashamed at the thought of it. "She just wasn't happy anymore, she found someone else. They have a new life together and they seem happy. I've never seen her look that happy with dad." She sighed.

"So this new guy comes in and she throws away her family for something that finally works for her, but basically said 'fuck you' to her own daughter?" He asked, angry at the thought of it. Elizabeth fidgeted with her hands, "I think it was a little more complicated than that. They were welcoming to me when I showed up. I don't think the intent was ever to be malicious I just think it wasn't easy for her to do."

"Are you excusing her or forgiving her?" He questioned. "I think forgiving her is going to take me a while. I'm still trying to understand it all." She sighed. "Betty there's nothing else to understand. She made the choice of leaving you guys behind, why would she come around 20 years later when you're not her responsibility anymore? She gave you up for a life where her child and husband wouldn't get in the way of living the life you guys apparently kept her from? It's bullshit." He replied.

Elizabeth sat in silence. "Being unhappy in a marriage, fine. I can understand. But abandoning your child? Who the hell does that? there's no fucking excuse in the world to justify that." He asked. Elizabeth remained silent. He was right. But part of her didn't want to believe everything she ever knew about her mother was a lie. She didn't want to believe her mother was some selfish self-centered person who never cared about her. The mother she knew loved her. But she remembered what her mother had said:

Love is when you can't imagine your life without that person in it. It's the panic you feel when you think about your life if you lost them. It's about the risks and lengths you're willing to go to keep them.

...

It's about the RISKS and lengths you're willing to go...to keep them.