What I Should Have Said

29

Elizabeth stared up at the dark ceiling as her mind ran wild with thoughts that wouldn't let her rest. Her mother constantly came to mind. She wanted to be angry, she had every right to be. But she didn't know if it was her own internalized hatred clouding her or if she was sincerely angry, it all seemed to blur together.

She looked over at Alex who was sleeping soundly and stared back up at the ceiling. "What's wrong?" Alex tiredly asked. Elizabeth looked over at him, "I thought you were sleeping?"

He tiredly opened his eyes, "I was but I know when something is wrong Betty."

"Nothing's wrong." She replied.

"Then why are you still up?" He asked.

"Because I can't sleep?"

He stared at her silence. "What?" She asked. He slowly sat up in bed, "Can I ask you something?"

Elizabeth felt her racing, she felt sick to her stomach. She hated when people asked her that question, it made her anxious and sick with worry. She always expected the worst when people asked her that. "What is it?" She asked. He looked off into their dark room and looked back over at her, " What happened the day Taylor was here?"

"What?" she asked.

"You seemed mad...why?" He asked.

"I told you it was nothing."

"That didn't seem like nothing." He replied.

"Alex, can you just drop this? I don't want to talk about it." Elizabeth glared.

"Betty I just want to know what's wrong." He sighed.

Elizabeth reached over to turn on her bedside lamp and get out of bed. "Betty, can you just talk to me for once?" He asked. "There's nothing to talk about, Alex." She replied and walked out of their bedroom. He followed her out and toward the kitchen. "Betty stop pushing me away, I'm not your enemy I'm trying to understand but you don't even give me the chance!" He argued.

"Why do you even care?" Elizabeth questioned.

"We've been together for 4 fucking years and we were friends for 4 fucking years, I'm going to be your husband for fucks sake. I love you and I know when you're hurting and I just want to be there for you. Please...just let me be there for you." Alex pleaded.

Elizabeth stayed silent. "Forget that I'm your fiancé for the moment, okay?" Alex asked, "At least trust me and lean on me as a friend, you don't have to constantly have your guard up with me. I'll always be your friend first and I want you to at least believe me when I tell you it's okay to open up and trust me."

She felt the tears forming in her eyes and walked past him and back toward their bedroom. "When are you going to stop pushing me away and let me help you?" He called out. She stopped just as she was going to enter their bedroom. "Betty I love you but sometimes I feel like I'm losing you and I don't know what to do. I just want to understand, please." He begged. A tear rolled down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away. She remained silent and went into the room and shut the door behind her.

——

Alex never went back to their bed last night. His words kept replaying back in her head all night.

I just want to understand.

That's what she wanted too. She never knew what to tell him because she didn't understand either. How was she going to explain any of it to him when she didn't understand any of it herself? She needed answers and she didn't know who to turn to. She thought about what her father said.

...Maybe she's the only one who can give you the answers you need.

Elizabeth made her way out of her bedroom and looked around for Alex but he was nowhere to be found. She felt a slight panic set in. "Alex!" She called out, hoping he would miraculously appear. But he was gone. The silence in the apartment was deafening.

She didn't know what to do.

She knew what she had to do, but part of her was too stubborn to make it her last resort.