Escape A Barson story

Chapter 20

Olivia turned her face away from Rafael. She felt nervous. Her cheeks burned, and it wasn't from a fever. Rafael waited a minute for Olivia to answer his question before he repeated it in a gentle whisper. "Why are you afraid of me, Liv?""I'm not. I told you that.""What you said is that you know without a doubt that you are physically safe with me", he said."That's a huge compliment coming from me, believe me", she replied, still not looking at him. She couldn't look at him, not now.
"I know that. I know you have had a rough time". he answered. Olivia huffed, and Rafael continued. "I know you've been hurt, and abused. You try to hide how much these things— how much life has affected you, but I see. I see you.""You think I'm broken", she stated, quietly."No, Liv, I don't. I know how hard it is to trust. I don't open up to everyone. In case you haven't noticed, I'm guarded.""I've noticed", she said, softly."I trust you, Liv.""I trust you too, Rafa," she whispered.
"You trust me not to physically harm you, but you stopped trusting me emotionally. How can I get you to trust me like that again? What do I have to do? I'll do it.""Rafa, maybe, maybe it's good that Steven interrupted the conversation.""No.", he said adamantly. "No it's not.""Rafa, we were having a great day. I'm just happy to have my friend back.""You would rather be shot at than deal with your feelings. You're so afraid of me you can't even look at me", he said." Olivia mumbled something to herself so softly that she seemed to be in silent prayer. "What did you say?" Rafael asked after a few seconds passed."Nothing", she answered almost inaudibly."Liv"—"Rafa"—
"What?" He questioned, gently"You", she said, turning to face him. "You... You know me too well!" She blurted out. "How do you even know that I hate Marshmallows?" She questioned, rapidly."Carisi made Marshmallow snacks for Jesse's preschool class. He brought extra to the squad room , and you wouldn't touch them.""Maybe I wasn't hungry."
"Your nose crinkled up in disgust", he said calmly "Your favorite ice cream is strawberry. I know how you take your coffee, I know your favorite teas. You're not arguing with me over food and beverages. You're upset because I know other things. I know that your voice rises, and your eyebrows lift when you're trying to get me to see things your way. I've seen you vulnerable. I've seen you cry—""Stop!" She said, crossing her arms over her chest, and turning her face away from him again.
They sat in a 10 minute silence before Rafael spoke. "You're afraid of me because I'm not a male chauvinist. You're afraid because I'm proud of you. You're afraid because I love you, and my love is unconditional." Olivia uncrossed her arms, but still didn't look at him. "Stop me if I'm wrong. You finally see how I feel about you." He paused for a second. "You're amazing, Liv, I wish you knew that. You're brilliant, you're the strongest woman I know, and I was raised by a strong woman, I know strength when I see it, you're courageous."Olivia turned her body to face him, she allowed her brown eyes to meet his green ones. "Why do you have to say things like that?"She whispered."I mean them", he said, looking into her eyes."Why do you have to take care of me?""I'm here for you, always.""If that's true, if you see me the way you just described, if you're always here for me... then... Why did you leave me?" She asked, quietly, tears glistening in her eyes."I didn't", he answered immediately. "I left a job.""A job you were phenomenal at, a job you loved. We were... We were a team, Barba!""I'm sorry about the way I left the job— I'm sorry that I walked away from the courthouse when you were standing there. I'm still sick over it, Liv. I know when I kissed your forehead it felt like a goodbye. I was trying to be strong, I didn't want you to have to watch me break down.""I would have walked away from the courthouse with you, but you didn't ask. I thought you didn't want me around.""I'm sorry for that, I never want you to feel that way. If I could take that day back I would. I wasn't leaving you, I was leaving a job that I didn't think I could do anymore. I was a phone call away, I called you, you called me, but then your calls to me stopped." Rafael saw a tear escape Olivia's eye, and slide down her cheek. "You felt like I abandoned you", Rafael stated "I wish you would have told me that before now. "
Olivia nodded. "I wish I did, too", she whispered.
"You're my best friend, that didn't change, I thought our phone and Skype conversations after I left the DA's Office were going well.""They were", Olivia replied. "But...""But what, Liv?""It was painful talking to you knowing I couldn't see you everyday. We stopped working together. You went to Iowa—""And Stabler came back", Rafael said."He was my partner. He lost his wife. I had to be there for him!""I know that. You could have been there for him without pushing me away.""I know", she whispered, looking away from him. "I'm sorry."
I think I understand why you pushed me away. You said that it was painful talking to me knowing you couldn't see me everyday. I asked you to have dinner with me many times during those Skype conversations. You avoided it. "I'm not Elliot Stabler."
"Would you stop? Our friendship has nothing to do with him!""I told you before, Liv. Elliot Stabler coming back has made things more complicated." Olivia wanted to object to his words, but she stopped herself, and stared into his intense green eyes. "You wanna know what I think?" He asked. "I think you don't want to let anyone, but him in. Months ago, at Forlini's I thought it was your unconditional love for him, but it's not. It's fear. You are terrified of letting people in. You let him in, he was your partner, I get it, but now you hide behind him ""At Forlini's I told you that Elliot always had my back, but he didn't, I let him in, and he left. You're right about that. Were you finished? She asked, hoping he wasn't done speaking.
He slowly shook his head no, and continued speaking. "I think you realized after 6 years that you were letting me in. When Elliot came back you used him as a barrier. You have been pushing everyone away with the exception of Noah."
"Elliot needed me!""I understand that, and being there for him was the right thing to do, but you lost yourself Liv! You placed yourself in a protective bubble with him!" "I'm not in a bubble with Elliot. Years ago, he was all I had. I depended on his guidance, his partnership and his friendship. I had no family. I wasn't even that close to Fin back then, and now he's like my brother.""You wouldn't let Fin in, because Stabler was there.He was— he is your example of a good man, I understand that Liv. He built a family, and he stayed with them. Stabler is a good father, you see him as a protector. That's the point I was trying to make at Forlini's."
Olivia spoke softly. "I wanted to be part of a family so badly it hurt. Elliot understood that, I thought he was the only person who could understand me. I wanted him to love me. I thought he was the only man capable of loving me. I ignored my feelings, because he was married, I'm not the type to go after or date married men. If Elliot ever decided to leave Kathy to be with me or any other women I wouldn't want him. I wanted him romantically because he was my example of a stable man, a family man ""You could have him now." Rafael whispered, fighting hard to keep his voice from cracking. It was agonizing to say these words, but they were true, and Olivia needed to hear them. "I see the way he looks at you.""Rafa, please let me finish", whispered.
Rafael nodded slowly, and encouragingly. "Go ahead", he said, his heart breaking. If Elliot ever decided to leave Kathy to be with me or any other women I wouldn't want him.", she repeated. "He was committed to his wife, and their family. I wanted it that way, I needed it that way. He wasn't mine to have, so I built him up in my head. In my head he was mine, in my head I made him anything I wanted, and needed him to be. As long as I had that I didn't need anything else. I dated the wrong people, people I knew were bad for me, so that I didn't have to part with the Elliot Stabler in my head. I didn't want other relationships to work out, and I made sure they didn't. When he left, and ghosted me, I was devastated. I felt like he didn't care, I felt unlovable again. When he came back he needed me, I needed him to need me, I needed him to explain why he left me , and why he left me the way that he did. And then..."
"And then what?"And then... It... It became easy to be around him.""Easy to be around him", Rafael repeated. "That's when you stopped calling me or taking my calls.""Yes", she confirmed. "But I didn't want to avoid you forever... I just needed time, and then The Wheatley Trial happened.""So you admit you were avoiding me. It's nice to know you weren't planning on doing it forever." Rafael said, hurt and anger in his voice. "It was easy for you to be around Stabler?:"Yes." Olivia answered, almost timidly."Easier than it was to be around me?""Yes, he can't hurt me!""He already did that", Rafael replied.
"I used him as a barrier between us, you're right about that." Olivia spoke rapidly. " I spoke to Rollins, I thought she was suggesting that I date him.""What did he do to you, Liv?" Rafael asked, as a fresh wave of anger toward Stabler hit him hard. Rafael sympathized with the man, he lost his wife, the mother of his children. Rafael didn't want to imagine his life without Olivia, imagining it is what made him lie awake at night in terror,. imagining it was hell, facing a reality without Olivia would be much worse. That kind of agony still didn't give Stabler the right to hurt Olivia."He didn't do anything, Barba." She began speaking rapidly again. "I thought why not try dating him now? He didn't leave Kathy. I thought I could have what I built up in my head, but I can't. What I built up in my head— what I never stopped building up in my head for 20 years -- is not who he is, We don't have what I thought we had, we never could've had what I wanted, even if he was never married. Dating him, even for a little while was a mistake, it was wrong, it felt wrong. Everything about it felt wrong. Elliot wanted to be confronted. We got to a point where we were planning on having sex... but
""But what?" Rafael asked. He needed to be there for Olivia, but he didn't want to hear about her romance with Stabler, it made him feel ill.
"But... I couldn't do it. I kept thinking about you, and I couldn't do it! I broke up with him that night!" She spoke rapidly again. "Our whole dating relationship consisted of dinners where we talked about the past, his feelings, his work, his anger. It all felt wrong! I felt like I was cheating on you!""
"Liv", Rafael called calmly, trying to process everything she said. "Slow down, you're talking a mile a minute." He watched as Olivia took a long sip of water, when she was done, her eyes focused on Rafael again, and he spoke, his eyes never leaving hers. "Let me see if I understand you. You dated Stabler for a short time. You were his emotional support system, and during that time you shut me out. You used the time as a shield. You shielded yourself from me. Am I that terrifying? Please, tell me?""Yes", she answered in a whisper. "Elliot can't hurt me. You can! You... you have that power. I love you. You're my best friend, and I'm in love with you!"""And when you were dating Stabler you felt like you were being unfaithful to me?" Olivia nodded yes. "That feeling is why I haven't been able to have a relationship in years.""What?" Olivia asked, her eyes going wide."Liv, you're my best friend, and I have been in love with you since the moment you walked into my office 10 years ago. I haven't been clear about that. Am I making myself clear now?""Yes", Olivia cried, tears streaming down her face."Good", Rafael said, smiling from ear to ear. "You didn't tell me how you felt because of the trial? I'll say it again, I was protecting you.""No", Olivia cried. "I didn't tell you because I don't deserve you!"
"Stop it, stop it right now. "You and Noah deserve everything, everything I have to give. If you want or need something you have to tell me. Please." He reached out, and touched her wet face."I don't want to give you this flu", She said, in a shaky wispier.
"I don't care about that, I need you to see into my eyes when I say this, I need to make sure I'm clear." He caressed her face for a long moment, wiping the tears away before he spoke again, his voice full of raw, and true emotion. "I'm not going to hurt you, and if I ever do, it will be an accident, and I will spend my life making it up to you. Please, stop running from us. Be brave with me. I can't have a one night stand with you. I'm yours, Liv, yours and Noah's. I need everything, I need to give you and Noah everything I can.""I get it, Rafa, I know how you feel. I came to this town to escape, and there you were. I've been in your house for 7 days, and I never made it to the guestroom."
Rafael raised an eyebrow. "You want go to the guestroom?""No. I have been sick for 7 days, and falling asleep on your couch in this room, because here in this room is where you are. I don't want to be away from you, I don't want to be away from you. I should have told you, but I'm scared."I'll help you with that, I'll show you, you don't have to be afraid of me.""I'm afraid of my feelings for you, they're so strong."I know. They are so intense, but I love you, and I'm not a scary man."Olivia smiled. "I need to be close to you, I need everything with you, Rafael Barba. You strode into my life with your snarky attitude, your brilliance, and your huge capacity to love, and you opened me up. No one night stands, I'll be brave with you."Rafael smiled. "In my experience reality is better than any fantasy you can build. up in your head", he said. He leaned closer so that their lips were inches apart, she moved closer to him. He could hear her breathing in anticipation. "I won't hurt you", he whispered before his lips pressed gently to hers.
'Mm", Olivia moaned contently, the feel of his lips on hers ignited a flame inside her, and she slowly deepened the kiss. She concentrated on the feel of his hands on her face, and she wondered why she ever tried to escape this feeling that he gave her. They both almost whined when they had to part for air. "You're trouble, Mr. Barba "Was that scary, Captain Benson?" He asked. desire in his green eyes."No,... That was hot, and yet... I feel... safe.""Same here", he replied, smiling, unable to hide his joy. "I'm yours,Liv, always"."Te amo, Siempre, Rafa. Can we do that again?"
Rafael laughed out loud. Te amo, siempre, Liv. Absolutely, nothing would please me more. First, I have to take your temperature. We should have some dinner. Do you mind sleeping in my bed tonight?"" Olivia grinned mischievously. "We're just sleeping tonight, Liv. You have the flu, you need your rest. and I don't want to rush this. I'm all yours and all in."
"Me too. I would love to sleep in your bed with you." Rafael dropped a kiss on her forehead, Olivia closed her eyes, thankful that Rafael Barba, the man she loved, loved her back.