Sparring Partners [18+]

Chapter Twenty-Nine: A Little (a lot) In Love

I'd come to a decision. I was sick of dancing around the prospect of a relationship with Markus, fretting over whether he had feelings for me. There'd been more than enough signs that he liked me just as much as I liked him, and my fears otherwise were nothing but useless insecurities that, if allowed to fester, would only result in my own dissatisfaction. So, tonight was the night I would finally broach the subject.

At worst, once I confessed my desires, Markus could put an end to everything we had and I'd never see him again. But, not part of me thought that was actually a possibility; it was merely a ridiculous scenario the horrid, self-conscious, anxiety inducing gremlin in me had concocted.

Though I had only had one glass of wine this evening, the alcoholic buzz had imbued me with enough confidence to follow Markus back to his, where we had the flat to ourselves for the night. With Alec out and Bisto already asleep in her bed, the place felt far too quiet, and I held my breath as I undressed for bed.

Only a lamp on his bedside lit the bedroom, and the soft lighting cast Markus in a warm glow as he changed into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. My heart hammered painfully in my chest as I studied his every movement with too much focus. It only grew worse once I found myself beside him in the bed, his hand stroking a soothing path up and down my waist.

Don't be such a fucking coward, say something, talk to him.

I couldn't wait around, passively hoping that he would initiate the conversation. I had to say something. I would say something.

God, I feel sick. Is this normal? I think I'm having a heart attack. 'Nine-nine-nine, what's your emergency? What's that? Your lack of dating experience has caused you to go into a panic induced cardiac arrest?'

"Hey," Markus murmured, his voice soft as he his mouth brushed the side of my jaw for a fleeting moment. My eyes shot to his, and the concern in his expression was startling. "You okay?"

I nodded, swallowing heavily. "We should talk," I forced myself to say, cringing internally at the sombre tone of my voice. That's not what I wanted to say. This sounds like the beginning of a clichéd break up. Instantly, Markus tensed, and his fingers stilled against my hip.

Slowly, he breathed, "Okay..." He wasn't looking at me anymore, his eyes focussed on something just behind me, as if he were too afraid to meet my gaze.

"I want to talk about what's been happening between us - sleeping with each other, hanging out every week, messaging each other all the time. It's been going on for a while now and it's starting to stress me out. I don't - I can't..." I couldn't find the right words and for a moment I felt like I was about to scream. He's going to think I want to stop seeing him. Why is my mouth so fucking dry? I need to down a pint of water STAT.

"Why?" Markus asked before I could finish my sentence, still just as tense.

"Because I don't want this to be all it is. I don't want a casual relationship. It's stressful, whatever we're doing; it's stressing me out. I like clearly defined relationships. I like knowing where I stand, and how I should act with people. I like knowing what to expect."

"Okay."

"Okay?" I repeated dubiously. What did 'okay' mean?

"Yeah, I'm not interested in anyone else."

"I-What?" Holy shit, holy shit! It's happening!

Markus shrugged, the movement half hearted as he rolled over on the bed, away from me, and pressed his face into his pillow.

"Are you saying you want to date exclusively?" I asked, my voice coloured with excitement. Whatever tiredness I had been feeling had completely evaporated. Markus sighed noisily and said nothing. "Markus?" I pressed, crawling across the bed so that I was on my knees beside him, my heart racing. When he still didn't reply, I jabbed one of his shoulder blades with my index finger. "Markus, what did you mean?"