Him

Cigarettes.

WARNING MENTION OF SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE. 

As we drove down the highway, my brain was working over-time, and hard. 'you deserved that.' 'what happens when you get another boyfriend?' 'aww poor thing, suck it up.' 'it's not a big deal.' I didn't even know what to believe anymore. I looked out the window and saw cars speeding by. My brain wandered to a dark place and I couldn't stop it. 'cut yourself whore.' 'you should just kill yourself.' 'jump out of the vehicle.' I wanted to scream at the top of my fucking lungs. But I couldn't mom was driving and if I did we would probably get into a car crash. 

I took out my phone and opened Instagram. I scrolled through the feed and decided to text Mary-Anne. 

Mary-Anne😍

hey, wyd? 

OMFG UR ALIVE?!?!

yup, alive and well

OMG!! r u lik ok? r u comin to school on monday?
u have a job to do lmfao. sorry if that was insensitive.

abt that...no. and no it wasn't it was funny
i laughed dw. 

oh. ok. y not? and ok
good lmao

well my moms moving us to LA so that's fun. also i have multiple stitches in several different areas. 

OMG?!?!?!? UR MOVING?!?!?!

yea it wus kinda unexpected ngl.

well i'm happy for u, lik actually u needed to leave that asshole.

thanks hun. i have sum to tell u tho..

u can tell me anything babe whats up?

so when we went back to grab some shit he touched me. 

AWWW no babe, i'm so sorry i wish i could help. i'm happy u told me that tho. 

i had to ur my bsf lmao

duh, but have u been having those thoughts again? 

mhm. idk whats wrong with me Mary-Anne. like y can't i have a normal life? y can't i have a bf who respects my decisions? lik with jake, i wanted it but it didn't feel right and he judged me for it. is there like something wrong with me? 

no, babe ofc not, he was just an asshole and didnt know how to respect women. thats not ur fault at all. all of ur bfs were POS's everything thats happened to u is not ur fault. if u ever have those thoughts pls text me. i love and care for u babe❤️❤️

i will, thank u so much for always being there for me. it rly does mean a lot. 

ofc babe, i'll have to come visit u sometime and we'll have a girls day thing❤️

that sounds amazing, we'll def have to do that❤️

yes def! ok well i gtg and go to sleep but i'll text u when i wake up❤️

ok love u❤️

love u too❤️

And with that I closed my phone. I felt better after talking to Mary-Anne and my thoughts weren't there anymore. I felt more relaxed and calm, knowing I could talk to her whenever and she was happy for me. I felt relieved. I felt..gross. I needed to shower that man's touch off of me. "Hey Ari?" My mom said snapping me out of my thoughts. "Yea?" I said. "Could you text grandma Beck from my phone please?" She asked and I nodded my head. "Where's your phone?" I asked, searching in her bag. "In the left pocket." She said taking her hand off the steering wheel and pointed at the left pocket. "Ok." I said and pulled out her phone. She didn't have a password because Ben would go through everyone's phone at the end of every week. I opened her phone and found "Momma Beck" In her contact list and clicked on it. "Mom, what do you want me to say?" I asked. "Be like 'Hey Mom can we stay with you for a few? I left with the kids and I need somewhere to stay until I get onto my feet.'" I typed everything she was saying and sent it when she was done talking.

"What time is it?" Alex asked from the back in a groggy voice. "11:58" I answered. "Ok, cool. Where we going?" He asked. Mom answered before I could. "Grandma Becks." She said looking in the rearview mirror. "Ah, ok. Doesn't she have a huge house?" "Yes, she's loaded." I said smiling. "No, Aria. We aren't staying there because she's 'loaded' it's because we have nowhere to go at the moment. We're only staying there for a few until I get back on my fucking feet. Hand me a cigarette please." She said. I grabbed one of the packs of cigarettes out of her bag and the lighter that was in the cupholder. I grabbed one for myself knowing my mom wouldn't give a shit. I lit mine and then her's handing it to her. I inhaled for a long time and I felt more relaxed. I loved cigarettes. They gave me a sense of comfort and peace. 

I put my head back, putting on the radio taking another hit of my cigarette and closing my eyes. I didn't know what song was on but it was really catchy so I turned it up.  

 I'm staring at a broken door

There's nothing left here anymore
My room is cold, it's making me insane
I've been waitin' here so long
Another moment seems to've come

I see the dark clouds comin' up again

Running through the monsoon
Beyond the world
To the end of time
Where the rain won't hurt
Fighting the storm
Into the blue
And when I lose myself I'll think of you
Together we'll be running somewhere new

Through the monsoon

Just me and you

The song continued on but I had put my cigarette out already and began falling asleep. My eyes were getting heavier with every passing moment before I finally fell asleep.