Him

A Mistake.

MENTION OF S/A!!!!! S/H!!!!!!!

I ended up getting the farthest room from everyone since it was bigger than the boys and it seemed more my vibe. It was a darker type of room and I ended up not liking the rooms upstairs so I picked one that was downstairs. The bed looked extremely comfortable and it had a little ottoman at the foot of the bed. The curtains were a pretty type of gold color and the lights were installed in the ceiling. I had a night lamp on either side of my bed and a pretty rug that was softer than anything. The flooring was a gray type of wood and it matched perfectly with the vibe of the room. There was chair in the corner of the room and a TV on the wall in front of the bed. It was a comforting room to be honest. It was plain and dark. Just how I liked it. 

My bathroom was perfect. It matched the vibe of my room and I adored it. It had a concrete flooring and it was plain. Nothing fancy, besides the fact that the bath was also where the shower was. The cabinets under the sink seemed to be levitating and the way everything was designed was absolutely stunning. The walls were also a concrete type of thing and they were graying making the bathroom darker and more mysterious. The only lights were in the ceiling, installed in the mirror and under the sink, in the shower area there were two cubby holes with lights in them. Behind the bathtub there was a light under a protective screen giving the illumination that the light was coming from the wall. There was a sky light giving more light but not that much. 

I dragged my finger along the cold concrete wall feeling relaxed. The concrete was smooth, not hard like a sidewalk. 'I need to shower' I thought to myself. I went to my bags that I threw on my bed grabbing the shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. I got undressed in my room throwing my clothes on my bed and I walked to my bathroom, turning off the lights. I turned the shower on waiting for the water to warm up before going fully under the water. I set my things down next to me letting the hot water roll down my back, giving me a nice burning sensation. 

I stood there for a minutes letting the hot water consume my aching body. It felt nice and calming. I closed my eyes putting my head under the hot water, sending a shiver down my spine. The hot water burned some of my exposed wounds but it felt nice. I bent down grabbing my shampoo and started scrubbing it into my scalp, making my way to the ends of my hair. My hair was probably touching the lower part of my back wet. Dry it probably was halfway to the lower part of my back. I rinsed off the shampoo in my hair, the soap traveling over my body. I grabbed my conditioner and only put it on the ends of my hair and rinsed it off. 

I grabbed my body wash and poured some on my hands, letting my hands travel my body washing off every fingerprint from Ben off myself. I knew I would never feel clean again and that pained me. It always happened, every time I got sexually assaulted it felt as though I would never be clean. I hated it. I was disgusted by myself. 

I screamed at the top of my lungs not caring if anyone heard me. That scream turned into a full blown sob fest. I lowered myself down against the wall, choking on the water and my tears. I curled up into a ball and just sobbed. I hated feeling like this. I hated crying, crying makes me weak. I wanted to hurt again so bad. I needed to feel something. Anything but this. I got up and turned the shower off for a second and grabbed a towel. 

I walked to the kitchen with my towel wrapped firmly around me. 'fuck it.' I thought. I searched the drawers until I found a knife that would work just as well as a razor blade. I walked back to my room with the knife wrapped around in my towel. 

I threw my towel down, locking my door and running to my bathroom I turned the shower back on making sure it was boiling hot. I lowered myself against the cool wall and brought the knife to my wrist. I put the tip of the knife to one side of my wrist and cutting until it got to the other side. Immediately blood rushed through the cut and the hot water seeped into it making it burn like hell. The initial pain of cutting was there for only a few seconds. I gritted my teeth and did this five times on my left wrist and ten times on my right wrist. I started getting dizzy and I knew I was going to pass out if I didn't stop. But the problem was, I couldn't stop. I brought the knife down to my thighs. My fingers rubbing over the scars from previous cuts. I dropped the knife and brought my knees up to my chest breathing heavily. 

I sat there for ten minutes not crying, moving, or even thinking, just breathing and choking on the water. I eventually got up and decided that was enough for today. The cuts were still bleeding but that's ok, I'll fix that. I turned off the shower and grabbed the knife that was lying on the floor of the shower. I walked out of the bathroom like a robot. That normally happened after I cut though. So no surprise there. I grabbed the towel and wrapped it around myself and sat on my bed for a few seconds before tossing the knife in the nightstand drawer. I got up and dried myself off, digging through my bags for a long-sleeve shirt and shorts. 

I found a light-blue long-sleeve and threw that on, not really giving a shit what I looked like. I just needed something to cover my cuts until I could get some bandaids. It was pretty comfy though and was cute enough. 

I found some gray shorts that would work for the night. I didn't need to cover my legs since they weren't torn the fuck up. Besides some old scarring from previous cuts but that didn't matter. I was more focused on covering the top half of my body. They were really comfortable though so, at least I had a comfortable outfit on.  

I didn't give a shit about my hair so I just let it be with how it was. I already knew I would regret this later but it felt good in current time. I knew it was a mistake but I didn't care. I disgusted myself.   

A/N: UGHHHH IK THIS WAS BORING ASF. It'll get better though I promise🙏🏽