AGAIN

The Beginning (Perrie)

A/N: Hi guys, this was previously a one shot, but now it is a book. As stated in the description, this book will deal with topics of SA, ED and substance abuse. I'll try to deal with these topics as respectfully as possible, and also will put trigger warnings before any of those situations are presented.

I found myself once again staring at the ceiling of my room, trying to bring back the moments when I was happy. I remember it vividly, my first day of school when I was 10. That year I got a new pair of shoes, my mom always bought stuff from the charity shop for me. I didn't mind because I knew that it is all she could give me. She thought I didn't notice because I was just a kid, but she picked up extra shifts, so she could buy me these shoes.

We lived in a small house, mom, dad and I. Some kids at school picked on me because "I was poor and lived in a council house", my mom always said that I may not have money, but I have much more character than any of them. Of course, I wished I could have nice things, but I didn't blame them for not being able to give to me.

They always supported me and were always by my side, I was in the hospital quite often because I have oesophageal atresia, the doctors tried to enlarge my oesophagus serval times so that I could swallow food, but it didn't work, at the end I had to get surgery and I have a scar on my stomach, my dad said that chicks dig scars. I didn't get what he was saying at the time, but I certainly do now.

My parents helped me a lot when I was bullied at school, the other kids made fun of me because of my freckles and for the fact that I'm intersex and was born with a penis. Intersex people normally get surgery when they're born, but my parents were against it because it would be without my consent. So they let me decide if I want to get surgery or not. Ultimately, I decided I didn't want to. My mom really taught me how to love myself and that I was beautiful just the way I was, I took this with me even now that she is not with me.

We found out she had cancer when I was 11 and by the time I was 12 she was already gone. I thought that this would be the greatest pain of my life, I lost the person who I loved the most in the world, I lost my mom and my best friend. I was completely devastated and to top it all off my dad basically couldn't look at me, every day that passes I look more like her. I guess he couldn't handle it, but he never stopped to think about how I was handling; The answer was not well.

 After her death, my relationship with my father was basically non-existent; we both became much more quiet and reserved, we almost didn't talk. Long gone were the profound, inspiring, or fun conversations that we used to have. That year, I lost both of my parents in a way.

The following year, he met a woman named Cindy. He started going out more and seemed to like her, I was glad he was happy, that was until I met her. She didn't do anything wrong, and she treated me nicely, however I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong, at the time I didn't know why, but I had a very strong dislike for her. I didn't tell him that, of course, as he would think I was giving him a hard time for "trying to replace my mom". As if this fucking bitch could replace my mom in any way. We barely talked, so there was no point really.

When I was 14 they got married, I wasn't happy about it but what was new, I wasn't happy since the day my mom got sick. Because of my condition, my hormones were all over the place and I ended up developing quite fast, by the time I was fifteen I was already pretty tall, my boobs were also on the bigger side and also my dick got quite big as well. Maybe that was what got Cindy's attention, I realized that year that she started treating me differently.

Trigger Warning SA: I won't go into detail, but feel free to skip.

The first time something weird happened was when I got out of the shower and noticed she hadn't brought any of my clothes or underwear with me, since the bathroom was connected to my room I went to grab them without thinking much about the fact that I was naked. Cindy entered the room and looked at me, I quickly hid my body, but the way she looked at me made me feel really creeped out.

This time I decided to tell my dad, he dismissed it, thinking I was seeing things where there were none. Cindy had always treated me well, like I was her own, it was obviously a misunderstanding. But it wasn't.

Before getting married, my dad got promoted at work, he was out of the house for many hours, which left me alone with Cindy. I avoided her as much as I could, but there is just so much you can do in a small house.

The first time something really happened was when I came from school and went to have a shower. I heard a noise that seemed to be inside the bathroom, so I went to open the shower door. As soon as I did, I was faced with Cindy, she was naked, and I froze, I couldn't believe what was about to happen to me. She wasn't phased tho, and she cornered me and gave me a blowjob against my will. When she was finished, she told me that if I told anyone, no one would believe me. I guess she was right because the first time I told my dad something, he didn't believe it.

This has been going on for a while, she forces me to fuck her and tells me the same thing every time. No one will believe me, add to that she says that if I tell anyone she will say that I raped her and everyone will believe her because I'm way stronger than her physically and I have a dick.

Due to my condition and higher testosterone levels, I'm quite tall and have great muscle tone for a girl, and even though I am physically more powerful than Cindy, I never felt so powerless as I do anytime she touches me.

Trigger Warning ends here.

Once again, I was trying to think of happy moments, but my fucked up brain always leads me into this shit. Once again, I need a distraction. I got up and went to shower and get ready for yet another night out. I go out almost every day to be out of the house as much as possible, I party, I drink, I do drugs it helps me for a couple of hours and that is enough for now.

"You're going out again?" My dad asked from the living room.

"Yeah" I simply said, getting my keys. As a present for his absence, my dad got me an old car.

"That's it, I'm taking your car..." before he could start lecturing me, I threw him the keys.

"Do whatever the fuck want. I can walk" I said before stepping outside, already feeling much better with the night breeze on my face.