AGAIN

Can't Imagine Love Without You

Saturday finally arrived, Jade and I would meet at the restaurant for lunch and I was even more nervous than I was when I asked to kiss her on the Ferris Wheel.

"Pez, if you don't stop pacing, you'll end up opening a hole on the floor and falling on the living room" Leigh, my best friends said.

I met Leigh Anne as soon as I moved to London, she came from High Wycombe and we both had almost no money when we got here, we had landed jobs at a coffee shop and we decided to live together so we could split rent. Years later we still live together but now on a much bigger budget.

"I know, Leigh, I'm just so nervous. Like, fuck, it's been so many years since we saw each other. She saw the worst of me"

"And now she'll see the best of you. Don't worry Pez, it's all gonna be alright" she assured me with a smile "Now leave, you don't wanna be late" she said pushing towards the door.

"OK, bye Lee Lee, wish me luck"

"As if Perrie Edwards needs luck" she scoffed and I laughed.

I arrived first and chose a table at the rooftop, today was a beautiful sunny day. As soon as Jade arrived and we made eye contact she smiled at me. She came towards me and we greeted each other with a hug, I hope she didn't notice my heart beating fast. Does she still have the same effect on me as she did years ago? Yes she does.

"I'm glad you came" I told her as we sat.

"Me too" she replied with a smile.

"So how is life? What do you do for a living?" I asked.

"Life is good, I'm a professor at London Uni"

"Oh, cool. What do you teach?"

"Asian, African and Middle Eastern art history, also arabic" I couldn't help but smile at that, even though often time I detoured her from her studies, not complaining because we did have a lot of fun, I always knew she was capable of achieving anything she wanted.

"Wow, I always knew you would do something cool. You were always so smart"

"Thanks, what about you?" she looked at me interested.

"I am a photographer. Do you remember I used to enjoy it when we were younger?"

"How could I forget? You took pictures of me all the time" Jade replied with a laugh.

"Oh come on, If someone who looks that good is in front of you, how can you not?" I joked and she blushed a little. I was glad I was still able to make her do that.

"I still have them you know" I said after a bit of silence.

"I guess you'll have to show me sometime" she said without breaking eye contact with me.

"I guess I will" I replied with a smile.

We ordered our food and had a lovely time together. I didn't want our day to end so I invited her to take a walk in the park. We talked about loads of things while taking a walk. As we got a little tired we decided to sit below a three.

"Pez, can I ask you something?" she asked hesitantly.

"Of course, anything" I simply replied.

"Are you like...clean?" she said, hesitation still in her eyes.

"Yes I am. Since that day at the hospital" I got my sobriety chip with ten years written in it and showed to her. She brushed her fingers over it and smiled.

"I am proud of you" she said, hugging me.

"Thanks Jadey. I want to apologize to you, for all the pain that my addiction brought you, and for all the times I treated you badly." I said sincerely.

"It's OK Pez, I forgive you. I'm glad that you're well now"

"You saved my life, Jade, thank you for that. At the time, I didn't thank you because I wished you haven't saved me, but now I can't be more grateful"

"I'm happy that I was there" she smiled at me.

Before, Jade was the only positive thing in my life, now she can still be a bright spot in my life but instead of shining in darkness she'll just shine the brightest in the middle of light.

JADE

'Can I ask you why you started? It's OK if you don't want to talk about it." I asked, Perrie never let me in in the past so I was expecting her to brush it off again, but I really wanted to know how she got to the place she was.

"No, it's fine. I should have told at the time to be honest, but at least I get to tell you now" I nodded waiting for her to continue. "You remember Cindy?"

"Yes, I hated her" I said and Perrie couldn't help letting out a little laugh.

"Well, when I was fifteen, she started raping me. I didn't tell anyone because she threatened me and I believed her threats. I felt guilty for not telling anyone and even though it sounds ridiculous now, for cheating on you.  I now recognize that it was not my fault and what she did to me was not my fault too. The drugs, parties and everything were my way to forget, fortunately now I went and still go to therapy and I am fine and clean, but at the time I saw them as my only way out." As soon as she said she was raped, I was a crying mess. I immediately jumped on her arms and we hugged tightly.

I feel so guilty, maybe if I was smarter to see the signs I could've helped her. If I knew, I wouldn't have broken up with her, I would stay by her side to make sure she was happy, to make sure she was never touched by anyone again. I could make sure that fucking monster paid for what she did. But I didn't do that, instead I left her all alone.

"I'm so sorry that you had to go through that Pez. I'm sorry I didn't notice. I'm sorry I felt" I sobbed while still hugging her.

"Hey, it's OK. I don't blame you or anyone. I didn't tell you either, it's not your fault, it's nobody's fault except hers. It's all OK now. I am OK now" after a couple of minutes we parted and I was drying my tears.

"Fuck, you made me cry on our first date" I said trying to lighten the mood.

"Oh so this is a date Miss Thirlwall? If I knew I would dump my trauma on you another day" She joked making me laugh, I was feeling absolutely horrible, but she still was able to make me laugh.

"In all seriousness, I would love for this to be a date, but I don't want to rush you into it. I want you to think about it and tell me later. It's OK if only want to be friends again" she said

"I don't think I can ever be just friends with you Pez" I said with a slight smile, "But I promise I'll think about what you just said"

"Thanks. How about we go get some ice cream? The day is so good for it today"

"Sure" I stood up, extending my hand for her to take. She took it and we walked hand in hand to the ice cream parlour.

That was the first of hopefully many times I would see Perrie again. Now we were both happier. Perrie left her addictions behind and I had learned how to deal better with her emotions and not bottle them up to the point of explosion, I was also anorexia free and never thought about what I ate or how much I ate anymore.

It was obviously sad that we parted ways years ago, but I'm glad that it was in our cards to meet again