AGAIN

Sober (J)

Ever since Perrie and I started dating , I've been feeling a little insecure. She does everything right and worships me like a goddess, but I can't help but compare myself to her. While she looks like a fully developed woman with big boobs and sculpted abs, I still have the body of a pre-teen. Perrie always tells me that I'm gorgeous, but sometimes I struggle to believe it.

I know that I'm still in recovery so I haven't gained all the weight that I need to gain, at the same time that I want that to happen so I look more mature I am also scared. What if I look at myself and think that I'm fat? What if all the progress I made goes down the drain because I'll feel like I have to lose weight again?

All these thoughts were heavy on my mind, I was already out of in patient treatment, but that doesn't mean I am suddenly cured, some days I don't even think about it but in other days like today I stood longer in the cafeteria wondering if I should skip lunch. My therapist says that when I'm feeling like this, I should talk to someone I trust.

"Babe, are you OK? You were very quiet today?" Perrie asked, rubbing my back as we both sat on her car, ready to go home. I've decided that it could be helpful talking to Perrie about it.

"Before I met you, when I was thirteen, I became anorexic." I waited to see judgement in her eyes but saw none. "It got pretty bad and I almost died, I went to treatment and got better, I still am getting better. But there are some days, like today, where the negative thoughts come back and it's hard to stop them. I almost skipped lunch today" I confessed all that was on my mind and even before Perrie said anything I felt a little lighter.

Perrie hugged me tight before grabbing my hands and looking into my eyes.

"Thank you for trusting me and telling me that. Am I proud of that even though you almost didn't eat lunch you did" she said with a smile, "You should be proud of yourself too. Now, is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"

"Grounding exercises can help, and doing nice activities to distract my thoughts too" I replied.

"OK. Tell me three things you feel"

"Your hand in mine, the seat of your car, the smell of your perfume"

"Too bad I can't feel that one" Perrie joked and I laughed, "Three things you can see now"

"Your beautiful blue eyes, the car park and the water bottle I told you to throw away a week ago" I said the last part playfully and Perrie laughed along.

"Good, now how about we listen to some relaxing music and drive to the park so we can take a walk? Oh, and later we can do whatever you like, we can stay home, we can go to the cinema, we can go bungee jumping, anything"

"Perrie where would we bungee jump on South Shields?" I asked with a chuckle.

"I don't know, but if that was what you wanted to do, then I would find a way" just by one look into her eyes and I knew that it was true, if I said I would like to swim with dolphins she would find a way to bring the dolphins to me.

"Thanks Pez, that means a lot to me. You mean a lot to me" we smiled at each other before sharing a sweet kiss. Perrie started the car and we drove to the park.

Our relationship wasn't always the best, we have been fighting a lot, but in moments like this I was reminded that it was all worth it.

Pez and I were having a movie night and sleepover today, it's been a while since we've done something nice together. I really love her and she is worrying me, she was a party girl since I met her, but it's hard to see her in the right state of mind these days.