𝐀𝐆𝐄 : 15
𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓 :
𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 : self harm mention, dark thoughts
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y/n's pov:
The guilt that i carry in my chest everyday grows more and more, i have an amazing life with the best family, especially my mother who is very well know and an amazing actress, but to me she's my mama and nothing more.
I don't want to end, my life but sometimes i think what would happen if i did. Would it matter, or would everything just, be the same as it is now, would anyone notice or would anyone care. My life at home is perfect and i wouldn't want it any other way than it is, i have the best relationship with my mom and my days in general at home are just the best.
But it's school, my 'life' in school is what drains me and makes me feel so awful. I hate thinking that i'm over dramatic, and in reality i probably as being dramatic but it's everyday where i just feel as though the whole world is against me, and it's almost everyday where my school day ends up being so shit that i just go home and cry into my pillow about the day.
I have friends in school, i think, but some of them ignore me i guess or they'll just work around me and not acknowledge me, i feel like when anyone blows up at me in a jokey way they mean it in a proper way and that it wasn't a joke, but it sounds like it was.
I also have online friends which seem to be a lot better, they're there for you more and have better advice. My online friends have really good advice and i'm so excited to come home everyday from school and text them, most of the day i'll sit in school and get excited over going home and texting them.
My mom doesn't know any of this, i don't want to worry her or annoy her in anyway, she's just recently been on the red carpet and done loads of interviews for her new movies and telling her about all of my unnecessary problems won't help her.
Then again, i don't talk to my online friends and my problems because i just simply can't, it's not easy to put into words what i'm going through when i don't even know myself, i don't know if it is school and people or wether it's something else.
A few years ago i fell out with my best friend and since then we haven't spoke, yet it was ages ago, i still find myself some nights curled up in a ball on my bedroom floor crying my eyes out over him, simply because i miss him so much.
No-body likes him and everyone tells me just to get over him or takes the piss out of him if i mention him, and the reason we fell out was my fault so it doesn't really help with that either, and i bet if we were still friends i wouldn't be like this.
I'm coming out from school, dragging my feet across the ground. I spot my moms car and rush over, climbing into the front, i throw my bag on the floor and due to my shoes just being slip ons, i throw them off and bring my knees up to my chest, hiding my head.
"What's up sweetheart" My moms worried voice asks from beside me, i squeeze my eyes shut, hoping she'll let it pass. When mom doesn't receive a response out of me, she starts the car and drives off slowly, keeping her hand on my back.
I reach inside my pocket and grab my spare keys out of there, i clutch them in my hand and when my mom pulls into the driveway, i race out of the car, leaving my shoes and bag, i fiddle with the keys in the lock and push the door open, sprinting into the house.
Running fast, i head to my moms room, not wanting to be in mine. I dive onto her bed and scramble to get under the duvet, hiding myself in the middle even though my mom could probably see me.
The front door shuts and i head bags being placed down before slow footsteps walk up the stairs, i hold my cries in when i hear my mom enter the room and take a seat beside me on the bed and placing her hand on me over the duvet.
"Bad day sweetheart?" Mom asks, and it actually takes everything in me not to blow at her for asking such a stupid question but i retrain myself and keep myself silent. Mom shuffles about and the duvet is ripped off of me, mom messed with my hair for a few moments before speaking.
"Anything mama needs to know?" Mom asks me but i shake my head and throw my arms over my head and bury it in the mattress, i hear mom sigh sadly as she moves around more and lays next to me, throwing her arm over my back.
"Talk to me, please" She whispers kissing the side of my head, i let out a small whine shaking my head and covering my eyes. Mom sits up on the bed and manages to pull me up onto her lap, she's holding me to close to her chest and it's the comfiest i've ever been all day.
"No one likes me, and before you say they do, you don't know anything. I hate school it's the one place where i feel like i've been thrown onto a desert island and there is no one around me to help me, but then when i come home it's amazing and i don't want to sound bad saying it because you're amazing and people would kill to have you as mother and it sounds bad if i'm complaining about my life situations" I rant, using my hand to cover my eyes so mom doesn't see me cry.
"Baby, you're aloud to not like things especially if it's personal, you should've told me this earlier. Even if you were a king or queens daughter there are going to be bits you're not going to like and that's okay, that's okay" Mom comforts rubbing my arms and holding my hand that was covering my eyes.
"I miss Dan, i miss him so much it's not fair and you know when i was, y'know, hurting myself? Well, it's gone to shit again and i can't control anything so it happened again and i'm really sorry" I sob turning my face into mom's shoulder and wrapping my arms around her stomach, feeling hers wrap around me.
"Y/n, i wish you told me earlier dear, mama's right here. You should've told me you felt like you were going to and i would've helped you my love" Mom frowns caressing my head, i cry harder into her neck, twisting a strand of her hair around my finger.
"I think i went to deep" I choke up moving my head and pressing my eyes into mom's cheek, she coos tightening her arms around me and kissing my head again and asking where, i pointed to my thighs and she starts to pull down my leggings.
They were almost down, but my eyes opened and i was met with a dark room, i looked around and i was alone. I was more than alone, tears welled up well in my eyes and i shook my head so i could see again.
I was alone, i was alone because it wasn't real. It was all real, Scarlett wasn't real, she was a celebrity, a celebrity that's currently keeping me alive right now, everything is still here, the marks, the people, the issues but not Scarlett.
Scarlett's not real.
//
I might update 2 more chapters to make 70 because 67 is rlly annoying me. but i made this bc, i don't know bc it's what's going on ig.
