You, Again | ✔

[I] Baby Blue

This is an unedited version.

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"Because there's a love I can't forget... I swear I would never fall in love again."

Ilang beses ko na bang sinabi 'yon sa sarili ko? Ha-ha. I'm a sore loser. Pagkatapos kong sabihin sa kanya na mahal ko siya, nagtago ako sa lungga ko. How pathetic can I be? I'm just running away.

Ever since that day, I forgot the meaning of the word 'love'.

"Nico, mahal kita."

"I'm sorry, Emi. Pero—"

It was a fast reply. Pagkatapos niyang sabihin 'yon ay tumakbo ako ng mabilis. Natakot kasi ako. Natakot ako sa susunod na sasabihin niya. Sa salitang 'I'm sorry' pa lang ay kumabog na ang dibdib ko. Alam ko na kasi kung ano ang kasunod ng mga salitang 'yon. Ayoko lang marinig mula sa kanya.

Sa salitang 'sorry' ay nabasag na ang puso ko. Paano pa kaya sa kasunod no'n? Baka madurog na 'to ng lubusan.

Minsan na nga lang ako mainlove, ganito pa ang kahihinatnan.

Nicolai Torres— ang president ng art club namin noong middle school, ang rason kung bakit ako nagpursige na pag-aralan ang pagpipinta, ang idol ko, at ang unang lalaking bumasag sa puso ko. He's that person.

He's kind and reliable. Lahat ay gusto siya. He's a year older than me and he loves painting more than anything. His compassion towards his art is what I love about him the most. The smell of oil paints, the messy brushes, the blank and white canvas— he's giving life to all of them. Through art I started to love him. And through art, he found the girl for him.

The model of his paintings—Mika Sanchez— his girlfriend.

Nagsimula ang nararamdamn ko sa kanya noong makita ko ang painting niya na nakadisplay sa cultural festival namin noong first year ako ng middle school. It was a painting of another girl— Mika— but I can't take my eyes off of it.

"Do you think she's pretty, too?" napatalon ang puso ko sa sobrang gulat nang marinig na may nagsalita sa tabi ko. The moment that I turned my head towards the voice was the moment that I knew what 'love at first sight' really meant. Hindi ko alam ang pangalan niya, hindi ko alam kung ano ang year niya, hindi ko rin alam kung bakit niya ako kinakausap— pero noong mga oras na 'yon, nagdasal ako na sana pahabain ng Panginoon ang oras na 'yon.

"Hey, hey. You're spacing out. First year ka, 'di ba?" tumango ako ng mabilis. Nagulat kasi ako dahil hindi ko namalayang napatitig na pala ako sa kanya. "Nagdo-drawing ka ba? Nagpe-paint? Gusto mong sumali sa club namin? Ah. Ako pala ang president ng Art Club—"

"Nico?" napalingon kaming dalawa. It's the girl in the painting. And she's even prettier in a closer look. Bigla niyang pinitik ang tainga ng lalaking kumausap sa 'kin. "Jeez! Kanina pa kita hinahanap. Kailangan ka raw kausapin ni sir—ah! First year ka ba? Tinakot ka ba nito?"

"Hey, hindi ko siya tinakot. Tinatanong ko lang siya kung gusto niyang sumali sa Art Club."

Tiningnan ako ng babae at animo'y kumikislap ang mga mata nito.

"Nagdo-drawing ka ba? Nagpe-paint? Gusto mong sumali sa club namin?" tanong sa 'kin ng babae. Nabigla ako dahil pareho ang tanong nilang dalawa sa 'kin. Napatawa tuloy ang lalaki. Nawalan tuloy ako ng tsansang sumagot. He's even more amazing when he laughs.

"Now you're the one who's scaring her," puna ng lalaki.

"Ah. Sorry, sorry. Ako nga pala si Mika Sanchez. Ito naman ang president ng Art Club, Nicolai Torres."

"E-Emi. Emilly Rodrigo," I stuttered.

Ngumiti ang lalaki sa 'kin. "Nice to meet you, Emi. Kapag gusto mong sumali sa club naming, pumunta ka lang sa 4th floor ng building na 'to. Nandoon ang clubroom namin. Byebye!"

Pagkatapos no'n ay tumakbo siya at humabol naman sa kanya si Mika. "Byebye Emi!"

Later I found out that they're the Art Club's famous couple. Ang painter na si Nico at ang model nitong si Mika. After that encounter ay nag-aral ako sa pagpipinta. Because of my pushiness, my mom even hired an art teacher para maging tutor ko. Noong medyo nag-improve na ako ay sumali ako sa Art Club. It was around when I was in my 2nd year in middle school.

I thought that I would be satisfied even if I can't be with Nico all the time. But I was wrong. Kapag nandoon ako sa clubroom ay parang tinotorture ang puso ko. Their constant loving gazes with each other, Nico's kindness towards Mika, the way he spoils her, his happy face when he's with her—ang mga simpleng bagay na 'yon ang unti-unting bumabasag sa puso ko.

I can't breathe whenever I see them together. Something is squeezing my heart. Nagseselos ako. At ang mas masakit doon ay nagseselos ako kahit na wala man lang akong ni katiting na karapatan para magselos.

Love made me greedy. Noong gagraduate na sila ay nagdesisyon akong ipagtapat kay Nico ang nararamdaman ko. And what I got was a fast rejection.

"I'm sorry, Emi. Pero—"

Iyon ang huli niyang sinabi sa 'kin. At iyon din ang huling pagkakataon na narinig ko ang boses niya. I quit the club. I avoided them. Hanggang sa dumating ang graduation nila ay hindi ako nagkalakas ng loob na kausapin ulit si Nico.

When I was in my last year in middle school, I constantly dated other guys. Pero pagkatapos ng isang linggo ay nagbebreak ako sa kanila. I can't love them. Unless I forget about Nico, I can't love other guys. Kapag ibang lalaki ang kasama ko, hinahanap ko si Nico sa kanya. And it was unfair for them. Kaya mabilis kong pinuputol ang relasyon na 'yon.

After repeating those failures, I made up my mind. Because there's a love I can't forget... I swear I would never fall in love again.

Now I'm entering high school and I don't even care about love anymore. Kung masasaktan din lang ako sa huli, mabuti ng hindi ko simulan.

When I'm loving Nico, I also ended up loving art. Kaya hanggang ngayon ay pinagpapatuloy ko pa rin ang pagpipinta. At ang sabi ng isa kong classmate ay mayroon ding Art Club ang school namin kaya desidido akong sumali roon.

In fact I'm on my way there right now. Dala ko ang application form at ilang oil paints na kakabili ko lang. Paakyat na ako sa 4th floor. And to think na nasa 4th floor din ang clubroom ng Art Club. Is fate playing with me?

I was in the topmost step of the stair when I heard someone talked behind me.

"Miss first year, nahulog mo 'to."

Napatingin ako sa dala ko at nakita ang dalawang oil paints na nawawala. I sighed. Why am I always like this? An unbelievable airhead. Buti na lang at may nakapansin. Kakabili ko pa naman 'to. At saka alam niyang first year ako. Siguro dahil sa isang linya sa kwelyo ko. Dalawa kasi kapag 2nd year at tatlo kapag 3rd year.

"Salama—"

My world froze.

"E-Emi..."

Isa-isang nahulog ang mga oil paints na dala ko pababa ng hagdan. Naramdaman ko ang pag-init ng gilid ng mga mata ko.

My mind remembered the smell of oil paints in that old and messy clubroom, the colorful canvas of a pretty girl, the dirty and old brushes, his happy face when he paints her, his frivolous personality, his laugh, his soft-looking eyes...everything that I love about him, even the love that I wanted to throw away— they're all coming back to me.

"N-Nico..."

Ah, God... You've done a cruel thing. Why are You doing this to me? Why now? I decided that I won't concern myself with love anymore.. that I will try my hardest to forget about him.. but why do I have to meet him again after that awful confession of my pathetic feelings? Why can't I just forget about him?

Nico...

You were the one who broke my heart in middle school. It was unbearably painful that I can't even look at others guys without thinking about you. I should just give up. I know that you still have Mika. Your relationship is unbreakable after all. There's never a room for a side character like me.

But why do this have to happen?

After seeing you for so long...I fell in love with you again.