In this (cloak) Shirt

Merlin isn't fine.

Anyone can see that.

Arthur and Merlin's relationship went beyond friendship, Arthur's death was expected to leave Merlin an emotional wreck.

On top of that, Gwaine was dead as well.

Merlin cried.

He wept.

But he never talked about his final moments with Arthur.

It was the worst that Gwen and Gaius had ever seen him in the decade that they had known him, and although the two tried to spend time with Merlin, he insisted that he was fine, and ignored the remaining knights' attempts at comforting him.

Despite that, weeks after the funeral, Merlin starts smiling and joking, but everyone can see that it's never genuine. He's a shell of the man that they knew and he's constantly seen turning around, as if looking for someone, his face darkening realizing that they weren't here.

Not anymore.

Or maybe in a couple years, centuries, or millennia.

But it is more likely that it was going to feel like never.

———

Fine.

Merlin will admit it.

He's not okay after Arthur's death.

Arthur was the other side of his coin, the once and future King of Albion, the One to unite them all.

He was his friend, his love, his King.

And Merlin tries to forget that.

Forgetting hurts, but Merin reminds himself that remembering hurts more.

It's painful, to have so many memories of Arthur, so many optimistic hopes for the future Arthur would bring, to see the man, no, the King he would become.

And to compare that with the present, where Arthur's death loomed like a shadow

Gwen and the others knew now, and Gwen had been so accepting.

Arthur had made her his heir, and Gwen lifted the ban on magic just as quickly as she ascended the throne.

Merlin was happy for her, he fully supported Arthur's decision.

But honestly, he wasn't so sure now that he had ever wanted Arthur to just be King.

Maybe, a tiny part of him selfishly wanted to have Arthur beside him, have him to himself.

But not having him there, while in every corner of Camelot all he could see and hear was him , Merlin couldn't bear confronting the memories.

So he avoided them.

Avoided Arthur's chambers, avoided the throne room, avoided the armoury, every that was just a painful reminder of his other half.

---
A month after Arthur's death, Camelot prospered, yet still grieved for the King.

Gwen had to stay strong for the sake of the kingdom, but thankfully had the help of Queen Annis and several other nobles who came to check up on the Queen.

Merlin was promoted to court sorcerer, though he reluctantly accepted.

On stressful days, he would clean the rooms out of habit, but avoided one room in particular.

---

He never realised, everything was a blur to him these days, and he wondered why this room was so dark, so dusty, so solemn.