I'll Be Seeing You

Push Away to Come and Play

The next day, her fingers hovered over the phone as she stared at the unsent message "Any plans for tonight?" She wanted to talk to him as soon as possible but saying "I need to talk" felt too formal, too final. She put her phone aside and waited. It wasn't until five hours later that Jamie graced her with an answer. She cursed herself for how eager she was to read it.

They made plans at B Bar. Lydia loved it because they had Christmas lights hung in their back patio all year round. The last time Lydia had been at B Bar, she was with Kit. They had sat under the ever-present Christmas lights in late September, defiant of the impending fall weather with their tank tops and shorts, trading sandals for sneakers as their only compromise. They had gotten tipsy on white wine spritzers and laughed about how exciting their lives could be a year from now. It had only been a few months and the entire mood had changed. Instead of a happy and energetic Kit, Lydia now found herself across from a very angry Jamie.

"Why are we here?"

"Because I needed to see you."

"Lydia, I can't keep doing this."

"Yeah, well neither can I but you said yes to being here so...." She left it open ended. She couldn't stop her thoughts from raging as she looked at Jamie, sitting all cocky in an outdoor chair with a too loose wicker back and warped metal legs.

"I'm sorry." She didn't know what she was apologizing for, but what the hell? It couldn't hurt. Jamie was pliable when it came to forgiveness. He fought weakly and preached hard but forgave quickly. Lydia expected at least a month of freeze out after their fight in the taxi but was pleasantly surprised by how quickly he responded. She tried to refocus. There was a point she needed to make now that he was here.

"What you pulled isn't cool, Lyd. That night in the cab? You literally said "fuck you" with twenty bucks." She could tell he was seething and that set off her own anger.

"Jamie I did that because you were treating me like a cheap hooker. You were an asshole that night because we couldn't sleep together and then you threw money at me. That doesn't exactly make me feel great about you, or about us."

Jamie scoffed. "What us?"

Lydia sat back in her chair and stared up at the lights. She took a deep breath.

"I don't know Jamie, you tell me. What is 'us.' You tell strangers were together but nothing's changed. The only thing that happened when I left C.K. was that you got free reign over sleeping with me. I thought we would be together like dating and going out..."

"Hey! We do that. We go out all the time."

"Yes but we barely know each other. We go out and you never ask about me and I never ask about you. I'm taking responsibility for that. But it occurred to me the other day I know nothing about you. There's so many things you won't talk about that I've stopped asking about anything."

Jamie was getting defensive. "Oh, so you're telling me because I don't want to talk about my parents' marriage that you won't ask me anything about my life? Jesus Lyd. If anyone is using the other person, it's you using me. Do you think I care if we have sex every time we hang out? No. I actually don't. Choose to believe me or not but I enjoy hanging out with you. I've given you attention, I've given you time. I've given you everything you wanted from me the first time around. Why isn't that enough?"

Lydia took a sip of her drink. She was frustrated. This isn't how she expected this to go.

"Because it's not." She practically whispered it. Jamie had to tilt his head forward to hear her more clearly.

He ran his hands through his hair, exasperated. "Lydia I don't know what to tell you. Do you even know what you want from me? One day it's you saying you care so much about me and the next you're not sure you like me. How am I supposed to open up with you keeping us on this rollercoaster?