I'll Be Seeing You

Brendan

Lydia tried to put the weekend out of her mind. She had gotten way too drunk at the party and spent the majority of the night trying not to text Jamie. She both wanted and didn't want to hear from him. She tried to let the mundanities of the workday flood her senses as a distraction. The emotional rollercoaster of Jamie had taking everything out of her. Slowly, she plodded from the bathroom back to her desk as she began the mental list of completing all the things she had to do.

Her mind flexed with the possibilities of doing something greater. Maybe she would travel and take a sabbatical of sorts. She needed something to get her out of the blinding office fluorescents and into fresh air. Although the new job was better than C.K. in many ways she noticed she hated the majority of things that happened in an office. She hated the idea of being tied to a desk, spending hours and years of her life doing someone else's bidding. She tried to hate where she was less. Lydia worked for a reputable company and enjoyed her life. She made enough money to survive and found herself becoming incredibly complacent in her status. The twenty pounds she had put onto her 5'4 frame did not help in her desire to jump ship either. Once young and spritely, office Lydia struggled regularly to fit into her clothes and that left her feeling more depressed than sexy these days.

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. What was she going to do with him? She gnawed at the cuticle on her ring finger. They had been seeing each other fairly frequently but she still didn't feel grounded or connected to him. There was also the matter of Brendan. After running into him in the street and her first text they had started talking again. Although she swore she would break it off once and for all, she couldn't do it. She thought she loved Jamie. But could he love her? She had been grappling with the question for a while. In many ways, she could see herself falling in love with him but this weekend showed he wasn't ready to emotionally commit. She didn't want to wait around for him to be ready.

She compared him with Brendan. Sweet, loveable and reliable Brendan. But also pain in the neck, needy and leave-on-read Brendan. To have someone from the two extremes was time consuming. Brendan had always been there. He was trustworthy and sturdy. Yet they had never been on a date. For all the time they spent together, they never once had gone out in public as a couple. That in itself made him a turnoff, paired with the fact that immediate attraction wasn't always present and that made Lydia worry. The more time she spent talking with him the more she grew to like him. She didn't quite feel a spark like she did with Jamie. Every time she saw Jamie it was as if little firecrackers were going off all over her body. She couldn't keep her hands off of him. Jamie was pure animal, hard to control and even harder to release. Brendan on the other hand was just there like a loyal golden retriever. He was always waiting for her to settle down and come back to where she left him last.

Lydia didn't want to be part of a basic, practically boring relationship. She wanted a grand love affair—to be swept up in a whirlwind romance like she had read so often in her books. She believed in true love and that love would always persevere. But recent history had taught her that maybe true love wasn't in the cards for her. Maybe she needed to get off the rollercoaster and settle down with someone who was more like a placid lake, someone who could and would take care of her. Someone who would pick her up after work and ask her how her day was. Sure, the chemistry with Brendan was a low simmer but maybe that's what she needed.

"Let's hang out." Lydia's phone buzzed with Brendan's name and message.

"I always want to hang but you seem to always be busy," she replied with sass. Greedily she watched the text bubble pop up then disappear. To her amusement it happened a few more times.

Finally, his reply: "Not really doing anything at the moment."

Lydia rolled her eyes. Oh, how suave he thought he was. Brendan had no game. In all the time she had known him, Lydia had found herself seduced by his authenticity. When he tried too hard she liked him less. Every time he walked her home or texted just to say hi, she felt like it was a breath of fresh air from her current situation. Jamie had no idea she was being somewhat courted by another man and she was fine with that. She was entitled to emotionally cheating on him especially when he couldn't provide any emotion whatsoever. Brendan was there just to be there and sure Lydia was using him but with her newfound desire to settle down, maybe it wasn't so much using as needing a relationship that may actually work.