Made to hate herself

Chapter fifty nine

- Peeta's PoV -

She really said that, she really has three options but none was I love her and she hates me. I wanted to shout that the first one was real but I can't because she can't hear me. I see some sort of doctor walking in and I stay to watch.

Half an hour pass before the therapist has left and Katniss looks like she has fell asleep. She has a big comfy bed right next to her but instead she lies there sleeping on the floor. She looked so peaceful when she wasn't confused or in pain, I love her so much I would do anything for her. I don't even need her to love me back. I just want her to live happily and without confusion. The first thing I want now though is getting her out of this mental hospital hopefully not in an illegal way. I just stay here watching her sleep so the people watching the cameras could get a break. I don't mind doing this since I would be watching even if I didn't get this job. It's not just me she is confused about, it's also Gale and Haymitch. They are back in 12 but they have been forbidden to see Katniss since her jail experience. Gale because he caused her discomfort and Haymitch because he could give her some bad advice with his alchohol even though she doesn't trust him.

Hours pass before I see her waking up from her nap.

- Katniss PoV -

I wake up on the floor, it's not strange since I slept on the floor but I really thought someone would carry me up onto the bed. It feels nice knowing that people won't just come in here and touch me. I hope I am too broken so people fear having to take care of me, except for the people watching me. I don't know how I slept so comfy knowing that someone is constantly watching me. I hear the door opening to see that the therapist is walking in but this time it isn't just her, Peeta is with her. I panic but then I think of what I said to the camera and I begin calming down.

- Hey Katniss. Peeta says looking a bit uncomfortable.

- Hi. I say back with a low voice. 

- So Katniss. I have talked to your family a bit and they have told me that ever since your father died. You have never expressed your feelings or told anybody about them. You have kept it all to yourself and pushed it away to not show weakness. You need to let it show so you can finally let go of it. The therapist says.

- I'm not talking to you about it. I say back.

- Come on Katniss, you need to let go of some things weighing you down. Peeta says to me.

- Fine. After my father died I went missing for some days and that is all my parents know but they don't know the full story. I just said I spent time with Gale's family and Gale lied for me. The actual story was that I became extremely sick from something and it was contagious and deadly so I escaped into the forest so I wouldn't give my loved ones the same sickness. I ended up dying some nights after from the sickness but my father made me come back to life without the sickness. So dying wasn't something new for me when I was here, I mean the Capitol, I had just forgotten about it. I was around eleven years old at the time. I say opening up and the therapist looks at me in shock. But not as in as much shock as Peeta.

- Was this before the bread? Peeta asks.

- Yes, I got the disease like four days after my father passed away. I say to them.

- Thank you for opening up about such a sensative thing Katniss. My therapist says.

Nobody says anything and it's totally silent. 

- Anything else you would like to share? She asks.

- That is more than I ever wanted to say so no. I may have much more to share but I won't. I say back.

- One more thing Katniss, come on. Peeta says, he really was listening closely for my other story.

- Okay. I say back skeptically. 

- This is a good thing Katniss. Opening up about your feelings. Peeta says encouraging me.

- So we were on our way back from our first Hunger Games. I never really had feelings for Peeta in the arena but I woke up one day feeling love for him. I felt the same thing for Gale so I kept it for myself trying to figure the situation out. Most of my confusion doesn't just come from the memories the Capitol made, but also if either Peeta or Gale is right when they get mad at eachother. The mix of love and hate for both of you has made it even worse now. I say opening up about my old feelings and the ones I feel right now.

- I'm sorry I'm in your way of improvment. Peeta says sadly.

- Well if you want to hear something positive, you are the only reason I am even opening up about myself. I say back to him.

- Really, why? I thought you were scared of me. Peeta asks.

- I am but my father told me to trust you and he is the only one I truly do trust. If he would have wanted me dead he would have let me be with him. Well maybe he hates me so much he sends me back in torture but I hardly believe that. I say looking into his beautiful blue eyes.

It reminds me of a memory when I was staring right into his eyes but that time they were filled with hatred. Now it looks more like a loving look, the Capitol really did put those memories in me, or so I think. Maybe this is still some sort of trick to make me trust them. 

I begin panicking and for the first time in forever I feel like falling back into my head. I haven't felt this feeling in forever and my body turns out to be asleep. I feel people trying to wake me up but I am in a deep sleep. My heart is still beating but my soul has left somehow. 

- My dear miss Everdeen. You really thought I would leave you alone. Snow says. 

- No I never really thought you would but I hoped, there is a difference. I say back.

- Let me take control for a bit so it won't get ugly. Whilst you were confused, happy, sad, mad or feeling anything at all I was restoring power. I've gotten stronger over time so it would be highly stupid if you were going to try. Snow says to me.

- Perhaps I've gotten stronger too. I say back trying to defend myself.

I feel a punch going across my face and my soul is even knocked out now. I wake up not long after and I see my body waking up with many people standing around me. My eyes are as dark as a night without stars. 

- Hello there mr Mellark. I say and smirk just as Snow does. This might be the end for the people I love that are standing above me.

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Suzanne Collins owns the novels and characters, I do not.