Made to hate herself

Chapter fifty one

- Peeta's PoV -

Everything hurts as I try to get out of this situation. I don't try to hit Gale back instead I just avoid his knuckles. Doctors has rushed in but they can't pull us away, security comes in and drags Gale out but they don't succeed. Doctors sedate Gale so he falls to the floor. Katniss doesn't look to be in the best condition after that episode. Her heart stops sometimes and sometimes it's going so fast that you can hear it by standing up. Sometimes she is almost alive and like coughs. Other times she is in a deep sleep, it keeps going back and forth between them. It scares me the condition she is in and the doctors can do nothing about it. They look disappointed in me as they walk towards me.

- Mr Mellark. Didn't I say this illness she has is contagious? A doctor asks annoyed.

- I know you did. I couldn't hold myself though. I say trying to defend myself.

- You will be staying in a hospital room before we know for sure if you got it or not. If you have it there should be a big chance you survive. Katniss is not as lucky as you are. The doctor says.

- Okay. I say sadly.

A doctor walks with me out of there and I can see Prim and Lillian standing out there in shock. She must have seen all that happened. I feel around my face to feel bruises and much more, it hurts so badly but I know I must stay strong. She will somehow convince me that it was her fault and it's not. I just want to hug her until one of us dies. I don't ever want to let her go.

- Katniss PoV -

I wake up to see a bright light shining directly in my eyes. It burns and I immidatly close my eyes again. It's still very bright and seconds later I feel it turning darker so I open my eyes to see doctors standing over me. 

- How are you feeling Miss Everdeen? A doctor asks.

- Kind of good, I don't feel as dizzy anymore. I don't feel like vomiting or coughing at the moment. I say in suprise.

- That sounds better than before. The doctor says.

- What happened before, I don't really remember. I say to them.

- I'm sorry but we have classified that for safety reasons. They respond.

- So now I can't know what has happened in my life? I ask in a serious voice.

- Yes... They begin before I intervein.

- Well maybe you should stop hiding stuff like how you put the venom in me! I know it was you doctors!! I DON'T TRUST ANYONE HERE!!! I yell in panic as I begin hyperventilating.

- Miss Everdeen, please calm down. We mean you no harm. They say backing away.

- YOU DO! YOU ALWAYS SAY IT'S TO MAKE ME BETTER!!! IT ONLY BURNS LIKE HELL AND THOSE PICTURES AREN'T REAL!!!! I DON'T WANT TO SEE THOSE PICTURES!!!!!!! I yell between my breaths. 

They back away in fear as I try to calm myself down. I get myself to calm down after the doctors walk out and I try to stay calm. I hate being restrained to a bed, it used to be a chair. I am also getting fed by a feeding tube which I find to be strange. My entire body looks fine, but I can almost see through myself. All my bones are showing and I look starved. I hear doors opening and I look to see mutts walking in. I fill with fear seeing how they begin making their way closer to me.

- Hey sweetheart. One says.

- Hey Katniss. The other says.

- MUTTS, MUTTS!!! YOU'RE HERE TO KILL ME! GO AWAY!!! I yell at them and both of them look shocked.

- Katniss, no we are not here to harm you. Peeta the mutt says.

- That's what they always say. Every single person that has ever harmed me begins with that sentance! I yell at him.

- This time it's different sweetheart. Haymitch the mutt begins.

- No, you don't get to speak now mutt. You never even cared about me in thr 74th hunger game. You never helped me, I survived all on my own with no help from you. You wanted me dead in there!!! I say before begin to yell at Haymitch. I point my finger to make it very clear who I am speaking to and about.

- He tried his best Katniss, come on. Peeta begins.

- You don't either get a word here! You tried killing me plenty of times and I never wanted to let you go because I was in love with you!! This is the part where I let go to live a life without pain and fear of death!!! I yell at Peeta whilst pointing at him.

I want to scream out in fear but I supress my screams. I try to stay calm so I can say what I want to say before they all walk out. 

- Katniss, please listen to what we have to say. Peeta begins.

- Well keep talking then mutt. I say in a mad voice.

- Well you are getting discharged from the hospital if you make sure to eat enough every day. Haymitch says.

- Finally I can get out of these restraints. I don't enjoy being stuck surrounded by people who want me dead or want me to suffer. I say as doctors walk in and take out my feeding tube. They also takes of my restraints and I feel myself being severly watched.

I walk and I push down Peeta to the floor on my way out and I giggle a bit as I hear him almost screaming in pain. He would have died if he had to endure those syringes of posion. I walk out and I move towards my house. 

I don't want to walk in so I just keep sitting outside of my door as I breath in the fresh air. The sun was beginning to set and the wind was cold and nice. I missed this a lot when I looked myself in my room. I feel my bad memories going away as I see good memories appear instead. It was like everything I knew seconds ago was fake and this was real. It could be the other way though, it's so confusing having some memories showing bad things then exactly the same memory but it shows good things. I don't know what to trust and what to not. I see two people walking towards my home, or me. I see that it's my mother and Prim. Bad memories comes flying infront of me but so does the good ones. I bang my head towards the door wanting the good ones to be real but the bad ones are more convincing. They see my troubles and firstly they stop before running up to me.

- Katniss? Prim asks.

- Go far away and never come back, for your own safety. I say.

- No, we stay right here Katniss. We will always be by your side. My mother says and that is when the good memories start feeling more real. They are real for me now.

- Hey little duck. I say and I use my hand to brush her hair.

- Katniss! She says and screams out in joy. 

She hugs me tightly and I hug her back. Our mother joins our hug seconds later and it feels so warm and safe. I want to go see Peeta but I know my thoughts will change before I get there. I stop hugging and I take a look at my hands to see the damage I have done with them. It isn't showing physically but mentally.

- I am the mutt, I hurt everyone I love. I say whilst looking at my hands.

- No Katniss. You can't control it. You're not a mutt, you are my sister. Prim says trying to convince me otherwise.

- No, no. I harm people with these. I saw what I did to Peeta. You really need to go before I accidently hurt you. I say and I open my door to go inside before I close it right in their face.

I go to the kitchen and I grab something little to eat on. I hear the door open and this time it wasn't just my family but Peeta aswell. I collapse as bad and good memories comes flying past. I don't want the bad ones to be real but they feel so real. The true ones look real aswell. The bad ones look fancy and the good ones feel more dirty and normal. It's hard to tell what's real. Peeta comes running up to me after hearing me collapse to the ground. My head is bleeding from the fall but it feels pretty nice.

- Are you okay Katniss? Peeta asks me.

I give him a thumbs up before falling asleep in his arms. They were cozy and my head was hurting a lot from the fall. I hear them talking a bit and some people touch my wound. Minutes later I get put in a bed and it feels comfortable.