Assassin's Joy

Cole, Stop!

TWs: self-harm, suicidal actions, and panic attack

"Jay, do you know what's gotten into Cole?" Kai asked him after a practically rough training session.

Cole seemed so angry and almost scared. He had given Lloyd a bad concussion then bolted to his room. Zane and Nya had taken Lloyd to the med bay, so it was just Jay and Kai left.

"No, I don't. I'll go talk to him."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Cole's my best friend. Something's going on with him and I want to help."

"Good luck, then."

"Thank you."

Cole sat on his bed, staring at his hands. He had hurt Lloyd. Everyone else was probably angry at him. That, or scared of him.

He wanted many things, but he never wanted the ninja to be scared of him. He knew that they should be, yet he didn't want that. He had gone there to kill Jay, Zane, and Wu, now he had a family with everyone. 

An idea sparked in his brain and he fished out a knife from under his bed. He held it in front of his face, inspecting the sliver metal. Cole paused then set it down, grabbing a piece of paper and pen. 

'I'm sorry everyone. 

I know you all trust me and support me, but you shouldn't. I don't deserve your love. I deserve the worst things to happen to me while you all live happy lives without me. 

I can't tell you why I'm doing this, but know that it isn't any of your faults. I've had this coming for years. Being trapped in my own mind is worse than anything we've gone through. Being trapped by my past and guilt is suffocating. I can't do it anymore.

Jay, you're my best friend. It took me too long to realize my feelings for you. When I did, you and Nya had gotten together. I want you to be happy with her, love her as she deserves. She'll love you in the way that you deserve. I love you so much. Not as a brother, not as a friend, but as a lover. I understand if you never want to think about me again after learning this.

Nya, treat Jay right. He loves you so much. You own his big heart, don't break it.

Sensei, I'm sorry that I failed you. I'm not as good as you think I am. Thank you for seeing the best in me, but it's undeserved. Put your faith into someone worthy.

Everyone else, I'm so glad I got to know you. You all are the family I never got to have. 

My mom died when I was young. I barely remember her, I just remember that she had a beautiful soul and a kind smile that lit up the room. My dad left me at a park a week or two after she died and I haven't seen him since. For years, I held onto the anger and the hurt that it left, but I think I'm finally able to let go of it. I don't think I would've met any of you if he hadn't done that.

Thank you all. I love you,

Cole'

Cole set the note down onto his nightstand, wiping his cheeks. He picked the knife back up and brought it to his wrist. Red flowed from the cut, getting a sad smile from Cole.

"Young one," Alek's voice rang loudly in his head.

"Leave me alone. I don't want anything to do with you anymore," Cole mumbled just loud enough for Alek to hear.

Electricity coursed through him, but Cole showed no reaction.

Instead, he dragged the knife down his forearm, the two cuts creating a long 't' shape. He lifted his shirt and dug it into an ab. He pulled it out and sawed off the ear that held the earpiece inside.

For once, the pain he was feeling was exhilarating. The pain he was feeling felt good.

He leaned back, his back hitting the mattress of his bed. He cut his stomach up, the blood getting everywhere.

The door opened just as Cole was about to plunge the blade into his chest. Jay screamed and ran toward him, yanking the knife out of his hand.

"Cole, stop!"

Cole weakly reached out to get the knife back. "Jay, gimme."

"No." Jay set the knife onto Cole's desk and pressed his comm in his ear. "Can anyone hear me?"

"I hear you," Nya replied. "Lloyd's fine, he's in the med bay with us, awake."

"I don't mean to sound rude, but I don't care about that right now. I need help."

"What happened?"

Jay's breathing hitched as he stared at Cole. He opened and shut his mouth a few times, but nothing came out. 

"Jay, where are you?" Zane asked.

"C-Cole's room."

"Nya and I will be there in a bit, just take deep breaths."

Jay sat on the bed, grabbing Cole's hand. He spotted the note and grabbed it with his free hand. He read and reread it while he waited for help to arrive.

Zane and Nya burst into the room and gasped when they saw Cole. 

"Kai," Zane said into his comm. "I need you to drive the bounty to the nearest hospital."

"What? Wh—"

"Now."

"Got it."

"Nya, Jay, held me carry him to the med bay. We need to get him as stable as we can with what we have."

The two nodded and Jay folded up the note, sticking it into his back pocket. The three picked Cole up, Jay and Nya holding his armpits and Zane held his legs. They quickly, but carefully, carried him to where Lloyd was. 

Lloyd sat on the medical bed they have, swinging his feet as he licked the sucker Zane had given him, when he heard Zane telling him to open the door through the comms.

He stood up and walked to the door, opening it. Zane, Nya, and Jay came in, carrying a bloodied up Cole. Lloyd gasped at the sight and covered his mouth.

They laid him down where Lloyd had just been sitting. Jay and Lloyd were kicked out so Nya and Zane could work without too many people there.

Jay sat on the floor outside of the door, gripping his shirt. Lloyd sat next to him, pulling him into a side hug.

"Jay?"

Jay didn't respond, the only sounds coming out of his lips was whimpers and gasps. Lloyd frowned and took Jay's hands, moving to kneel in front of the blue ninja. 

"Hey, look at me."

Jay's blue eyes were filled with tears as he slowly moved them to look Lloyd in the eyes.

"He's going to be okay. Cole's strong."

"No."

"No?"

Jay pulled his hands away from Lloyd and hugged his knees, burying his face in them. "He-he wants this."

"Why?"

"I don't know!" Jay took the note out of his pocket and handed it to Lloyd. "He didn't say."

Lloyd took it, unfolding it, and read it. The note was blurry behind his tears, but he managed to read what Cole had written. Once he was done, he carefully put it onto the ground and hugged Jay tightly. "It'll be okay. Nya and Zane will save him."

Jay sobbed in Lloyd's arms. "I can't lose him."

"You won't. When he's healed, we won't let him be alone. We'll put him into therapy. We aren't going to lose him, not like this."

"I'm so scared..."

"I know. I am too."