I have a ton of scars everywhere
From the simplest thing like when I fell off my bike as a kid, to being a cook and burning myself on the oven
The cut hurt
It started healing
It hurt while it was healing
But what do you do about a scar that's still bleeding on the inside?
What do you do when you've done all you can to try and clean a wound that's bleeding from within?
So what do I do now?
Huh?
What in the living hell am I supposed to do with you gone?
I hated you.
I hated you so much.
You made me hate every part of myself and then blamed me for it
I wanted your approval so bad
So fucking bad I worshipped you, I took care of you, I did every single thing you wanted me to do just for nothing in return
I liked making you angry
It gave me satisfaction actually
Remember the last thing you told me?
That I deserved to be raped.
That's what you told me.
Isn't that great?
I've never told anyone that before, except for one person
It's weird mourning the loss of the mother I never had but always wanted...
Because for some stupid reason there was a small piece of me that had hope..
"Maybe one day she'll come through"
"She's nicer today, I hope it stays like this"
"I want to make her proud"
"I want her to know how much she hurt me"
And now?
Now that's all gone
No hope
No anger
Just loss
I lost you and now I'll never know what could have been
Although I'd be fooling myself if I even thought for a second things might be different now
You were never going to change
I know you weren't
You were stuck in your ways and fully embraced being a horrible human being
I pitied you
So now,
I'm stuck at a crossroad that appears to be a dead end
Because I'll never have the opportunity to see, or talk, argue, laugh, eat, smile, or cry with you again
I wonder what you'd think about me right now
How much different I might have been if you didn't leave
If I'd still be that little girl wishing one day you'd change
I know you wouldn't
I've always known
But now
Now I know for sure
