If Ever (COMPLETED - EDITING)

Chapter 16 - Kai

Kai

We packed up and headed in. I peeked in to see her sleeping, I needed to hold her. It was a physical and an irenic need. I shut the door softly so it wouldn't wake her. I walked over taking off my sneakers and belt.

I just sat on the bed, I didn't know why. Was it because I wanted some distance. Distance from what? Her? This fucking day in general? I had all these feelings now and it confused me. My emotional spectrum was pretty basic - anger, more anger and asshole and then guilt for being an asshole. 

Everything Owen and I discussed had been heavy, like a session in group, except this time the person talked back. I wasn't sure how I should feel about talking about Ella in her absence. But it helped to know what she was like in the last 7 months that I had viewed her from afar.

Everything about today played on my mind, it was a lot to process. I wondered how different it would have been if I hadn't asked her out. How different if I had never met her. Would I be happier then? Without knowing her?

I had a relatively easy and emotionless life so far. I never stuck around for anyone to get attached or vice versa. I stuck to work or stayed in the studio most times. I hung with the guys. I was ok how I was. I'd come to terms with it. Hadn't I? I was so intent on having a life where I didn't feel anything. I wasn't even sure I was actually happy. I also wasn't sure I knew what happy felt like till now. Maybe I was also just drifting through life. 

Rob chewed me out about it, but he got it. He asked if flinging from one person to next was all I was ever going to do. I said yes, because I couldn't be bothered to do anymore. Even if people wanted more, and sometimes they did. I didn't. I hadn't ever wanted more with or from anyone. It was only with her. I'd only ever wanted more with her.

I turned to look at Ella. Feelings were confusing and dealing with them made me feel like I couldn't breathe, my default was to get angry. How long would she fucking put up with that? But she didn't seem to care about me getting angry, she hadn't reacted to it once the whole evening. Actually, she had never in all the weeks I'd known her, reacted to me losing my shit. Not once. But honestly I knew this would be a bit hard. I knew that from seeing her the first time. But hard as this was going to be I also knew she was so worth it.

Maybe I shouldn't be trying to figure out shit when I was drunk.

So, I met the most amazing girl and fell in love. Nothing else needed to change, it just included one more person I cared about and loved. Nothing drastic. Owen's words about not having to worry about her safety had put me at ease, if he was anyone other than a Detective, I don't think I would have believed him. I would have gone overboard and panicked. 

She screamed let me out. I was still struck by that sentence. What the fuck had happened? Did that mean the burning house? Where did she need to be let out of? Should I ask her? Would she ever tell me?

When was the right time to have this conversation with her? I felt like I needed to know what happened to her. But I didn't want to push. I felt like I was driving myself crazy wondering what it was. The stress of this unknown thing hanging over us was too much. Fuck, Should I tell her I loved her, when was it ok to tell her this? I was struggling. And it was starting to piss me off. She might think I 'd lost my head if I told her after a week that I loved her. Maybe it was too soon. But she didn't get it, I wasn't just in love with her since we'd been going out. It was from way, way before. It had just completely solidified from knowing her and being with her. Would that freak her out? But Ella seemed ok with all my crazy so far.

Did I really understand love? How could I understand it when I hadn't ever experienced it? Loving my mum or Rob was different. How would I know then? What this was? My mind was all over the place. I was hopping from thought to thought. I needed to stop thinking. But I was trying to process.