His Detka

9. James

DATE: June 21, 2022

It's been exactly two years since Jamie left this earth. Not a day goes by without thinking about him. I miss him terribly, but I'm still here. I visit his grave once a month, and I update him on the life I'm living, the life he would have wanted me to live after his untimely passing. 

I also visit our son's grave. I was 12 weeks and 3 days along when I lost him. I had gotten my sweet Uncle Bruce and Dr. Choi to run some hereditary tests and to find out the gender early. I had only found out the day before I miscarried that I was having a son. Our son, Jameson Joseph Reagan. To lose him too.. well that nearly killed me mentally and emotionally. Turns out, I had been so stressed out with losing Jamie and then stressed out about my future with the Avengers and life without Jamie while raising our child.. my body couldn't take it.

When I got to the grave today, I saw all of Jamie's family paying their respects. They were still a huge part of my life. I still attended church and Sunday lunches with them. It was really hard at first, for everyone involved, especially me after the miscarriage, but it got a little easier over time. I think they helped me just as much as I helped them.

I got a hug from everyone. I would be curling up with a glass of wine and Jamie's video that Danny & Erin gave me on our supposed wedding day later tonight. Somedays were better than others. Today was not one of the better days.

As soon as I was cleared to go back to work, I was back on missions. I had my own kind of hell inside my mind if I was idle for too long, so I kept myself busy with missions. In a sense, it was absolute hell.

We were all fixing to leave the graveyard and Linda looked at me and asked if I was free for lunch because they were all fixing to go to this little Italian place.

"I wish I could, but my parents and siblings are flying in to visit with me."

"That's alright, we'll still see you on Sunday. Remember, call us if you need anything, kiddo. We're always here for you." said Danny.

"I'll see y'all on Sunday!" I shouted as I walked off.

With that, I headed to the car. It was about a 45-minute drive back to the compound from Jamie and Jameson's gravesite. When I pulled into the parking lot, I noticed a beautiful new motorcycle. I wondered if Steve had finally gotten himself a new bike. He's been talking about maybe getting himself a new one for awhile now. It wasn't in his spot though, which I thought was slightly odd, but I shrugged it off.

When I walked into the compound, I saw everyone crowded around in a big circle talking to a dark-haired man. "Hey guys, I'm back. Sorry about-" I was shocked. It's been a little over two years since I've seen this handsome man. It couldn't be the same guy. Could it?

Steve looked at me with the biggest smile and said "Blaire, so nice of you to join us! This is my friend, --"

James turned around at the mention of my name and flashed me that knee-weakening smile he had shot me at the bar a few years ago.

I cut Steve off as I breathed out "James".

"Yeah! Wait, you two have met? When?" asked Steve. Nat and Wanda just smirked. I could already see the gears turning in their heads. Nat had been trying to get me to go on a date for at least six months. Wanda was already digging around in my head, I could see the faint glow of red in her eyes.

"Hey, Blaire. Good to see you again. You look good." He pulled me into a hug. He smelled of rich mahogany, black teakwood and dark oak. Almost like that scent from Bath & Body Works. It's one of my favorites. 

"Hey, thanks. I didn't realize you were Steve's childhood friend when we met, but it explains why I thought you looked familiar at the time." I tried to laugh, but I was stuck in a state of shock almost.

I looked at Steve and said "Yeah, we uh, we met at my 21st birthday party that Maria and Jamie threw for me at Tooties two years ago." I said.

"Speaking of, how is Jamie? Is he coming by later?" Bucky asked.

Steve and Nat walked over to us. Nat wrapped her arm around my back and I took a deep breath. Steve had been there for me so much since Jamie died. He was like the older brother I always wanted. He would help out when he could, he always gave the best advice. He had even accompanied me to some of my doctor's appointments in the beginning and especially after the miscarriage. He was in every sense of the word, my rock during it all.

While it was getting easier to talk about Jamie, it almost never got easier to inform someone that he died. I could feel everyone's eyes on us. "No, uh, he's not. I'm sorry, I'm sure you would have been best friends."

I felt Steve giving me a look as if to say, tell him, but I couldn't. Not today anyways. Today was hard enough as it is.

I looked over at Bucky and said, "I'm so glad that you're here. We need to catch up." And I gave a faint smile, not one that reached my eyes. I just wanted to get to my release. Nat made eye contact with me and nodded off towards the event center, she always knew what I needed.

So off I went, in search of my good friend, the grand piano.

After I was out of ear shot, Bucky looked at Steve and Nat. "Is she okay? Was it me?"

"Nah, Buck. It isn't you. This day has been really hard for her since 2020." Steve looked at Nat as if to ask permission and she gave a somber nod.

"Jamie died in the line of duty exactly two years ago today. Him and his partner were responding to a call and they were practically ambushed and both him and his partner died. It was two weeks before their wedding day too."

"I'm sorry to hear that. He seemed like a real stand-up guy. She's a beautiful dame. She doesn't deserve the hand she was dealt with Jamie dying."

"She tries so hard to not let her emotions about Jamie and his death affect her around others. She trains hard during the day and she takes time like she's doing now to gather her thoughts and to let her emotions take hold of her for a little while every evening."

"Where does she go in the evening?"

"That's private, if she wants you to know, then she'll show you. For now, she just needs to work through it."

While I played, I put all of my emotions into what I was playing. Seeing Bucky brought back feelings that I didn't know I could feel again. I felt the same pull towards him that I felt when we met. Since Jamie died, I haven't thought of another man, let alone even looked at men with anything more than platonic feelings. It was a feeling I missed, but as soon as it came, it left again because I felt guilty. Guilty in a sense that I was being disloyal to Jamie. 

I loved Jamie with my whole heart. Or at least I thought I did. He was supposed to have been it for me. There was never supposed to be anyone else in his spot, but just one look and Bucky was making my heart pound and the butterflies resurface for the first time in two years. This was something for my next therapy session.

I played for almost two hours before I got up and went to look for Mama, Papa, Cooper, Lila, and Nate. They were out behind the compound with Nat, Bruce, Wanda, and Vision on a picnic blanket. I walked up and instinctively ran up to Mama and wrapped her into a huge embrace.

"Hey Mama, Papa. How was the flight? Not too rough I hope."

"It was just fine, sweetheart. How are you today? Nat said you've been MIA for a few hours?" asked Mama.

"I just needed to let some frustrations out." and I used my hands to mimic the piano. Not all of the Avengers knew that I played. It was a well-kept secret for the most part. It was beyond me that no one had noticed yet, though. They had heard me singing though on occasion if I was having a good day.

"He's around, ya know," said Papa.

"I know. You sound like the Reagans, Papa."

"I'm just saying, honey. It doesn't mean it's a bad thing."

"I know." I sighed.

I watched Wanda and Vis look at one another with such love. A love I couldn't (but could) wait to one day stumble upon again. Maybe it was a way that Bucky would look at me. Hopefully.