His Detka

11. "Dear Jamie"

Dear Jamie,
It's been a little while since I've written to you. I just left another session with Dr. Raynor. She thought it would be a good idea for me to start writing to you again. So much has happened. I think about you and Jameson often. He would have turned one this year. I hope he looks like you and that he's sitting next to you right now with your hair and that goofy grin of yours that I fell in love with. I hope he's got your heart. I wish more than anything that I could have at least gotten to meet him... but I know in my heart that he's in a better place with you and God, your brother Joe, and your mother Mary. I love you and I miss you every day.
Love,
Isla

It's 9:30 PM by the time I wrap up my latest assignment from Dr. Raynor. Some new homework to keep up with daily until I see her next week. I told her that seeing Bucky was like coming up for fresh air after having been stuck underwater and running out of oxygen. I described to her that the pull I felt towards him was like two magnets attracted to one another. Somehow I always found myself looking for him no matter where I went, whether it was the gym, the pool, the dining room, even in my emails for the mission dockets to see if we had any upcoming together.

But then, almost as soon as those thoughts came, I was ambushed with thoughts of guilt. My mind telling me that it was too soon to be thinking of another man. Too soon to be moving on after Jamie's death. These thoughts would paralyze me. I would never want to hurt Jamie or disrespect him and his memory this way. This was definitely going to have to be something to discuss with Dr. Raynor at a future visit. These feelings and thoughts are going to eat me alive.

Maybe if Bucky would actually make a move? Who am I kidding, Bucky would never go for someone like me. I'm broken. My fiance' died on me in the line of duty and left me pregnant, all unintentionally. Jamie would never have willingly left me like that. He loved me, that much was clear. I want to be happy, and this dysfunctional giant family of mine makes me happy, but I can't help but feel that something is missing.

I was running on the treadmill and fixing to start mile six when I thought I heard the gym door open, but I shrugged it off. The music on my headphones was fairly loud enough. I guess just my paranoia of someone else being up late and catching me sneaking in some extra workouts in. I needed to work out a little more so that I could hopefully sleep through the night. Since Jamie died, I've had a lot of trouble sleeping. Dr. Raynor wanted to give me sleeping pills but I just couldn't fathom taking that and then not being able to wake up or even get addicted to them. I was so close to achieving my goal. I just needed to run another mile or so, and then I'd be good.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of something dark. I turned my head and Bucky was standing off to the side with a devilish smirk on his face, I turned off my music and stopped the treadmill. I looked at him and through heavy breathing said, "Hey, Bucky. What's up?"

"Hey, Doll. What are you doing here this late?"

"It's not that late, Buck."

"Everyone's normally done by 4, Detka.. It's after 10:00 at night."

"Maybe I just wanted the gym to myself. You know I should be asking what you're doing here this late, but I'm sure you have your reasons."

"Actually, I was looking for you."

"Me?" To say that his answer shocked me, would be an understatement. Shock was written all over my face. Did he feel the magnetic pull to me that I felt to him? I shook my head at the intrusive thought.

"Yes, you. Unless you think the barbells here would be better company?"

"I mean, they might be. Have you met me?"

"I have met you, and I thank God every day for it."

I looked at him, taken back by his comment. He thanked God every day for meeting me? "What is it you needed to find me for, Bucky?"

"Well, the night I met you was the night before I left for Wakanda. I obviously don't have very many friends, if any at all other than Stevie. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime?"

"Hang out? Bucky, I–"

"Yes, hang out as friends. I know you're probably not ready for anything more right now. Which I understand. I would never ask anything of you that you're not comfortable doing."

Hang out with Bucky as friends.. Hmm. I like the sound of that. I guess I was stuck in my thoughts a little longer than I realized because when I looked up at him, he was a ball of nerves, anticipating an answer that I'm sure at this point he thought was going to be no.

"I'd like that, Bucky. What did you have in mind?"

The relief that washed over his face when I said yes, it made me grin. "Well it seems that you like exercise, so why don't we go for a hike?"

"That sounds great, Buck."

"So, Saturday okay with you?"

"Yeah, Saturday's great."

"Great, well I'll let you get back to running. I'll see you in the morning, Detka."

"Goodnight, James."

I can't lie. After that interaction with Bucky, I didn't need to keep running. If anything, I felt like singing. I was happy, and for the first time since before Jamie died, I sang in the shower.

The next morning, I felt brand new. Like I had been running on a low battery and was put to re-charged overnight. I felt amazing to say the least. It's like I was looking at my life through different eyes. Things seemed brighter, happier. I sauntered into the dining room where everyone was gathered already, and I the last to arrive. I got l situated in my seat next to Papa.

Tony looked at me with a mischievous grin and said "Detka, I've got a surprise for you. Agents Carter and Hill are coming by today. Figured that you'd want to spend some time with them, considering you haven't really left the compound in awhile."

He was right, it had been too long. Sharon and Maria were not only two of my idols when I was in the S.H.I.E.L.D. academy, but they became two of my closest girl friends. They were both great women, and two of my closest friends. After I became an Avenger, I would text them at the end of each day and let them know how it was going. They'd give me pointers when I needed them. Sharon knew a little more than Maria though because Steve caught her eye. Which was a little weird at first considering that her aunt was Peggy Carter, Steve's first love. We initially got over that when we all saw how happy they made each other.

Since joining the Avengers, Steve became the older brother I never had but always wanted. Someone to help guide me through life when I felt like I couldn't go to Mama or Papa with things. After the miscarriage, Steve, Sharon and Maria would all take turns sleeping in the guest room of my suite because these awful nightmares of Jamie dying in front of my eyes plagued my sleep.

"Oh that's exciting! Is it business or pleasure today, Tony?"

"While it started out as pleasure, it's potentially turning into a mission that they can help out with. We've discovered a few things about HYDRA's newest 'endeavors' and their eyes are needed to look at the data and confirm for us since they've been doing recon missions lately. Once it's been confirmed, I will update everyone and we'll go from there."

"Should we be worried about these new endeavors, Tony?" asked Nat.

"When HYDRA is involved, we should always worry." stated Pietro.

I suddenly had a chilling feeling run down my spine. Almost like someone was watching me. I turned around to face the window and see if anything looked out of the ordinary, but nothing caught my eye. Tony has security in place, it's just my anxiety getting the better of me with the talk of HYDRA.

"What time are Sharon and Maria going to be here, Tony? I want to get in a good workout before they get here."

"Why don't we just work out with you? I mean, we are dressed for the occasion!" said Maria

All three of us squealed. Steve, Bucky, Papa, and Sam laughed. Tony rolled his eyes and put his hands over his ears. We all embraced in a group hug. God, I missed these girls. I couldn't wait to fill them in on things.