𝐊𝐈𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐘 𝐄𝐗, b.e

𝟎𝟑𝟒. . . vulnerability

CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR
vulnerability.

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i can't sleep.

i lay here so conscious off my surroundings, my heart racing at the thoughts that race through my brain. billie put her phone down like ten minutes ago, i just saw her post that she must of shared earlier.

she's really amazing. i love her so much. but she can't cure me off this, i won't rely on her because i can't hold her captive under my trauma spell forever. i feel terrible.

if i do sleep the nightmares drown me, if i don't sleep my body doesn't function right.

so what i do i sit up and pull my knees into my chest, my head on my knees. as my eyes meet my knees in complete darkness. i can't cry about this anymore.

i'm so tired.

i don't realise the tears coming now my cheeks as my body shakes.

i really hope she's asleep right now, i would hate for her too see my like this. but just as the thought leaves my brain in a second; a hand touches my bare arm.

i whimper as i still hide in my hands, she starts to whisper words i can't hear.

when her arms wrap around my body is when i fall apart at the seems. she pulls me in to her arms as she lays back down.

i think that moment she realises i haven't been sleeping as she holds me so tightly. her hands sprawl out then grip my baggy hoodie. my breath is rapidly shaking as every-time i holstered breath leaves my mouth.

she holds me tighter.

no words are shared as this moment continues, my breath slowly sinks to its normal state. as i wrap my hands around her chest as i lay there in her arms.

she kisses me on my forehead without a word, as she plays with a piece of my hair.

i think sometime after that i fall asleep.

we've been in this room all day since 10am. it's now 7pm and this studio is driving me insane.

watching billies documentary is so mesmerising, the amount of emotions produced from watching a screen it crazy.

all of us laugh when somehow the cake fight appeared amongst the footage. peyton was the one holding the camera as a goofy smile appears on her face as turns the camera to her.

then it cuts to billie driving in her car, in my fucking hoodie. i look over to her,

"you stole my hoodie!" i gasp as turns around in the chairs she's sitting on.

she looks at me. it's a weird look though, like she worried about me. i've seen that look before from all my family members as i walk through the front door. leaving them, my father sick, my mom unable to pay the bills and my little sister only eight.

i'm so fucked.

"it was comfy!" the words leave her mouth strained, the happy tone on the tip of my tongue but unable to reach.

i sink back into the sofa at the back of the room as finneas and billie sit at a table with producers and the editors.

billie looks back sometimes but i can feel her gaze and hear when the men get her attention back.

i just sit on my phone with my headphones on, listening to something jamie sent me.

a baseline which is pretty sick.

he messaged me saying the group had all just made it, they need me for the lyrics.

i repeat the song over and over again until someone kicks me. i look up to see them all looking at me, i shrug at them.

"you good with this video being in it?" her tone is stern and angry.

"sure." i just agree and not seeing the video on the screen. she knows i didn't bother looking.

"selene why don't you just go home?" her voice, her tone. angry. annoyed.

i don't say anything, i just pick up my bag and walk out.

i blast my music as i walk down the stairs of the building. if she's behind me, i don't care i can't hear her anyway.

i don't bother going back to her house to pick up my stuff. i just go back to the apartment, where my friends are.