Flowers in the Darkest Parts: Bucky Barnes X OC

10. Numb

"No!"

My eyes fly open. I sit straight up in bed, beads of sweat soaking my forehead. My heart pounds violently in my chest. I suck in breaths of cool air, barely feeling like I'm getting enough.

I'm back in my room. It's dark and still. No sign of Rumlow.

It was just a nightmare. Just a nightmare.

With shaky hands, I turn the clock on the nightstand towards me, 4:03 am. Fuck. I wipe the sweat from my forehead and sit on the edge of the bed. My limbs tingle as the adrenaline starts to slowly fade from them. Holy shit, did that feel real. It felt too real.

I'm wide awake now. Sleep is no longer an option. I rub my face with my hands, trying to rid the last of my dream from my mind. HYDRA still finds a way to mess with me even when I'm not conscious. Even when I'm far away.

I've had nightmares before, but never like this. This one was different. It wasn't just about me this time. Now there are people that I care about. I have to worry about Steve and Bucky and the rest of the people here who are trying to help me.

Bucky.

I would never forgive myself if something happened to him, if I let HYDRA get ahold of him again. He's already been through enough with them. He's already been through enough shit for a life time.

The room suddenly feels too quiet, too big. I lay back down and curl up on my side, wrapping my arms around myself. Something like a sob breaks from me.

I don't want to be alone.

HYDRA would come after him if they knew we were close. That's how they play their games. That's why they came after me in the first place, they knew I was Captain America's little sister. If they can't get to you, they go for anyone close to you. They already know about Steve and I's relationship, but they don't know about Bucky and me.

I have to keep it that way. It's the only way to keep him safe. Bucky and I couldn't be together.

I close my eyes tight. Why did it have to be like this? Why can't it just be over?

I think of Bucky, how I feel about him, and my chest aches. I want him, but I'll have to try to suppress those feelings for his own good. It will break his heart, but I have to do it.

I remember our night together after the Expo. How happy he made me, how he was one of the only men who actually let me be myself. I think about our kiss last night and how he felt pressed up against me. I'll try to hang onto those happy memories for as long as I can, knowing that they might be the only ones I get with him.

I think about him and wait for morning to come.

• • •

The light finally starts to shine through my window. Morning at last. I haven't moved from my position in bed, my thoughts have worn me down to the bone. I still feel extremely drained of energy after waking up in the infirmary, but my muscles don't feel as sore today. Maybe today would be a better day.

I hope.

I pull myself up, find a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt in the drawer, put them on, and head out the door. As I step into the hallway, I look at Bucky's room. I wonder if he is in there, I wonder if he's thinking of me. My mind flashes back to my dream, remembering the panic I felt when I knew Bucky was in trouble. I shake off the thought. It was just a dream. Rumlow wouldn't dare show up here. Bucky is fine.

I'm fine.

I hesitate, debating on if I should open his door. Maybe I should just check on him. Just to make sure. I curse under my breath, I can't be thinking this way. I can't be wanting him like this. I have to avoid these feelings even if it kills me.