Ruminate

OCD

I'm frustrated with this OCD Diagnosis. I've always seen OCD as the obsessive "tap something 30 times or you'll kill your family" or "wash your hands until it feels clean" type - but I don't do that.

As far as I've noticed, maybe once every month or so I have to "check" something, did I leave the straightener, did I lock the door, but I only ever do it once and I'm done.

I am hardly a "tidy" person. I'm not  organized at all, my house is cluttered and a mess. Maybe my dislike for dirty floors/dirt on my feet or dirty dishes? The smell of a room bothering me if it "smells dirty"? is that not normal?

The only thing I *definitely* do is ruminations - diving deep into a thought because I want to analyze every angle about it (which I ironically see that I'm doing right now.). But I very frequently "dwell on ideas or things that are unproductive, dwelled up on for an excessive amount of time, more than your average philosopher".  I found that in a video and immediately identified with it. It also mentioned that "rumination is different from intrusive thoughts, as they can be indulged in rather than resisted"

I tried to explain this to Matt as "I just like thinking about something until I'm satisfied"
He pushed to ask "but when are you satisfied, as his own OCD is endless and he has to stop himself from even starting a thought.

"it's like I'm on a drive, I'm starving, but I want to settle somewhere nice to eat. Yes I'm hungry and want to stop, but it would be so much nicer to keep driving until I find a place I'm happy with."

I totally do this all the time for fun, or even to be productive. I wonder if that's where my problem solving strength is rooted in.
But I can also see how my little drive can take me right under the PTSD storm cloud and floods me with anxiety. I don't always realize what I'm doing, but most of the time, when it's productive and fun, the ruminations are almost a hobby.

I *love* thinking so in depth about things. so I don't stop myself from finding the nice view.

However that may inhibit my ability to stop myself from driving under the storm cloud when I don't realize it.

it doesn't feel like I'm obsessed with the drive, it's just preferable that it ends nicely. if it doesn't, I don't usually get too frustrated. Maybe I just don't realize if I'm revisiting it later? - that could be seen as obsessive.

Idk. I feel like "OCD" is such a big step to explain why I have racing thoughts. I really and truly thought it was just an anxiety disorder thing, so now I'm frustrated and confused. I want to figure out how this puzzle piece fits into the way I've mapped out how my brain works, which again, ironically sounds like an obsessive compulsion.