Ruminate

Words

Words hurt.
I cannot count how many times I have been hurt by words.

From a young age, I have been affected by these negative utterances.

Like daggers to my damaged soul.
Like gasoline to my burning heart.
Like a shovel to my stomach's pit.

Wounds heal. Cuts clot. Burns scar. Pain stops.

But words.

Words wander.
Words destroy.
Words fester.

They hide.
and they grow.
and they rot.

They seep into the darkest corners of your mind, where you will not see.
You will not find them.
You will not be able to destroy them.

Words will haunt you.

They will sneak up on you at your highest,
and they will tear you apart until you are lower than your lowest.

I am aware that I am my own worst enemy.
I am aware that my own thoughts are not kind to my head.
I am aware that the voice in my head that is evil, dark, and strong.

But I am aware that I am aware. I know I'm not kind to myself. I know I have dark voices. I know I am my own enemy. I know not to listen to myself.

So I have learned to cope with that. Convincing myself that others do not see me the same way I do. That I am better than I think.

But then I hear words.
Familiar words.
Terrible, terrifying words.

Push your words away; you are too hard on yourself, I hear you saying.

And I would. But they are not my words. They are not my thoughts.

They are yours.

You confirmed that the voice in my head was not me being hard on myself.
You confirmed that my best is not even good.
You confirmed that I am not enough.

You do not know how hard I search in the darkness to try to destroy those words.
You do not know how long they stay in my head and do more damage.
You do not know how difficult it is for me to get them to leave me alone.

They never leave. They remind me of their residency in my head every single day.

You are disgusting.

You will never have friends.

You will never find love.

You will die alone.

You are pathetic and worthless.

You are a lazy waste of space.

You were a mistake.

You are the worst.

My words? Maybe. I tell myself a lot of things.

But not all that I tell myself are confirmed and cemented into my brain
like these words.

Like your words.