Ruminate

selfish

So I know I've struggled communicating what I'm doing

but I just found this video that just says it:

"..when you're a people pleaser, you're a manipulator. When you're nonconfrontational, you do not develop meaningful relationships with people. They feel deep and meaningful but they truly aren't that deep, because it's rooted in dishonesty on your end - it's not malicious, there is no malice in that.

"..I've always struggled with resentment.. It was very easy for me because I'm a very critical person and can identify problems/behaviors that need to be changed. I'm very critical of myself and work on myself a lot, so I felt justified for resenting the people I love.

"But you only resent people when you don't set boundaries, when you don't express your needs. Sure, people could notice [what's bothering you], but they aren't mind readers.

"Any relationship is built on trust, and to break that trust just to *not upset somebody* or to spare feelings, you're breaking trust with someone you love. You're making it about you."

I was told my entire life that I was in the way. that it I was productive or useful, then I wouldn't be wasting the air I breathed. "Bad people are nothing, worthless." and I was already riding that line of being worthless, I simply couldn't risk it.

My entire life - running from being considered a bad person. Manipulation. Lying. Disturbance. Do not be in the way. do not speak back. Do not breathe too loud. Do not fail - only bad people fail. If you're bad at math, you might as well be bad at everything.

So many idiotic rules that I held myself to, all in order to keep myself from being a "bad" person.

Yet all along, the people pleasing was just manipulation.

The sugar coating is just lying.

Keeping my thoughts to myself did no good. Not to me, not to them.

I build my entire world around how much of a failure I was due to these abstract rules that held no water. My body feared failure to the point of insanity - thinking the leaves were screaming. That my ears were turned up to 130% volume. for what.

I'm still trying to deal with the behaviors I was conditioned into in order to survive as a child. That's why I'm being so selfish and cold, because I have to relearn how to be selfish - the right way.