Behind the screen / H.HJ Centric

Overthinking~

Hyunjin POV

Maybe tomorrow . Maybe tomorrow I will fold my clothes , they sit in the corner of my room , they've been there for days. But lately doing anything seems to training . Im tired . Im tired that even when I sleep for twelve hours or more .... im exhausted beyond any measure . I can't bare to look into mirrors ... to see the mask that I become . And there isn't anything to be done ... I Could've stopped when I began to   but I let myself fall . I wonder what would've happened 6 months ago back when depressions followed me around ... before I was drowning , but it was just a shadow in moments before it consumed me . Maybe tomorrow I will do better .

I placed down my notebook and pencil , letting myself fall onto the bed , nearly banging my head against the headboard . Today was exhausting but still some of the good days. Did I really make a new friend ? Can I TRUST that friend ? What if he's just talking to me out of pity or because he wants to make fun of me now and then . Could I ever make a new friend without overthinking ? I believe I can't . Because I am overthinking myself to much to not overthinking anything else . At this point I guess I just need to live with my feelings . My feelings and I for the rest of my life I guess .

Maybe Im just overthinking again and someday something will happen and I make tons of news friends that made me not overthink . I just need to wait for those people ... Wait for someone that makes me feel like ..... Home. Home where I feel loved , hugged , comfortable and warm . Home where I dont need to put on a mask anymore , Home where I can be myself and let my feelings be shown .

Some Idols may say their fandom is their family and maybe they are right but I dont think they know what family means. Yeah sure some feel warm , loved , hugged and many more things by their fandom but Home means also a place where you can be yourself and say things out loud .

As an Idol you aren't allowed to do those things . And that's where it starts to make you overthink . What if my fans dont like the true me but just the mask I put on every single fucking day ? Maybe they only know and love the loud , brave , sunshine like Hyunjin and not what's behind ? Not the scared , depressed , overthinking Hyunjin ? Maybe they just like the Stray kids Hyunjin but not THE Hwang Hyunjin ?

There isn't something you can't overthink in this life . Somehow you overthink automatically and try not to but your mind just .... it just does what it wants to do . Sometimes you overthink you're overthinking and it may sound weird and pathetic but you do it more often than you think . Just like right now .

You ask yourself why am I overthinking or I should stop overthinking because it makes me even worse , bla bla bla ... but if you think of it ... it's not even bad . If you overthink ... then overthink . Its okay . You are a human being and you can't be a sunshine or human pleaser or idk the whole time . It's like your body as a battery that slowly starts to run out and with overthinking or crying maybe even sleep you fill it up again . It's like charging yourself without even noticing .

For me those things became a daily routine which isn't that good because I think I need to fill and fill and charge and charge myself up again and again even tho im already 100% full but I just dont notice and it causes a bad headache or a waterfall of tears with just tons of overthinking and other benefits . But I want to charge myself even more and more because I feel empty . I feel so .. so empty even tho im completed . I feel like something is missing without a reason .

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I took a deep breath and took out my phone , scrolling thru messages I received from friends or others , not responding until something came into my mind . I pulled something out of my pockets before scanning it .

I slowly tapped in the number and went on message .

H: Hey uhm I dont know if you remember me but its Hyunjin !

I patiently waited for a reply but nothing came .

------30 mins later----

I sigh  , leaning against the headboard of my bed . Still no message ....

-----1 hour later---

I laid on my back , staring up the celling and playing with my own fingers . No reply .

-----2:56AM----

,,God ... was he just joking with me?" I whispered with a small voice , not trying to cry at this point . Maybe he's just busy ..... No reply.

----4:19AM-----

*ring,...ring,...ring,...* My eyes shot open as I sat up on my bed . I rubbed my eyes , taking my phone in my hand and looking at the screen . I picked up , not even caring to look who's calling at this time .

H: Hello?

Unknown: Hyunjin? hey sorry if its a bit late and woke you up...

H: uh no its okay uhm may I ask who im speaking to?

Unknown: Oh yeah right its Inyeop ... you remember ?

My eyes suddenly widen as I looked at the screen.

In call with Inyeo:)

H:A-ah yes sorry haha I was not really awake haha

I: Its okay dont worry . Im sorry I couldn't reply but a friend suddenly visited and I got carried away with alcohol haha

H:ooh well I hope you didnt drink tooo much and if you're still drinking ... take care and dont drink tooo much.

I:oh uhm thank you very much Jin.... Again Im sorry for waking you up.

H: Its completely fine I was about to wake up anyways.

I: Oh why that early ? It's basically still mid night .

H: Well I wanted to go on a walk and clean my room a bit . Maybe even go out for a coffee or something because there's a coffee shop nearby that's open 24/7.

I: mmh well if you want to we can meet up and I dont know go drink or eat something.

H: sure ... well Im still full because I ate something earlier but im okay with tea or coffee . If you want to tho I can buy you some food there?

I: no no its okay , I would've just ate because you may be hungry but I ate earlier with my friend that passed out- haha well do you want me to pick you up?

H: Hahahaha I hope they won't be to hungover . Uhm I mean it would be very nice but you really dont need to I can go by myself too because maybe you have to drive here longer than you thought and-

I: Hyunjin ... it's okay . Im gonna be in front of your house in like 30 mins? If that's okay.

H: thank you .... that's really nice of you.

I: no need to thank jinnie . Okay I better be going now , see you soon!

H: See you....

Call ended

I slowly put the phone away from my ear , staring at it for a bit . Did he just .... stop me from overthinking ? I felt my eyes getting teary but as I remembered I only have 30 mins left I quickly jumped up and searched for an outfit .

I dont wanna go around with my joggers and hoodie because it's gonna be DAY and some people may see me . I dont want people to think im a druggie or idk fucked up ... well I am fucked up and a druggie at some point but people dont need to think of me like this.

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