The angel I ruined. (Castiel x male reader OC |NSFW|)

Chapter 7: "Connection"

I returned home from work, greeted by an overwhelming silence that permeated the air. Being alone was my usual state, and I had grown accustomed to it-or so I convinced myself. In truth, I struggled to control my feelings of depression that stemmed from my perpetual solitude. As an introvert, forming deep bonds and friendships had always eluded me. While I may appear sociable, the reality is that I feel like a fish out of water in social settings.

Lately, work has become the sole source of purpose in my life, a sad realization but an undeniable truth. At least through my work, I contributed to the recovery and well-being of others, granting them the opportunity to lead fulfilling lives.

Today, however, the weight of loneliness felt unbearable. Perhaps it was the stark contrast to the great time I had teasing and joking with the guys that made me acutely aware of what I truly missed. The urge to drown my sorrows in alcohol tempted me, but I couldn't risk compromising my surgical abilities or jeopardizing my patients' lives tomorrow. Their well-being took precedence. So, instead, I resorted to intense exercise, pushing myself to the point of exhaustion, seeking solace in sleep.

At least my regular workouts had sculpted a well-built physique. My reflection in the mirror revealed a muscular body, and I felt content with my appearance. Standing at 1.80m (5' 11"), with green eyes, black hair, and an athletic physique, I realized that my looks were not the issue when it came to relationships. It seemed that I was too much to handle on a mental level. I remained clueless as to what I was doing wrong, consistently attracting the wrong men.

Thoughts of Castiel occupied my mind once again. Whenever I saw him, he was clad in a peculiar beige trench coat-such an unconventional choice. There was no denying his attractiveness; I wouldn't lie to myself about that. His piercing blue eyes had a mesmerizing effect, practically making my mouth water. It seemed he was oblivious to his own striking appearance, which only enhanced his allure. His demeanor exuded innocence and seriousness, devoid of any flaws. Tall, with dark brown hair and a solid build, my focus zeroed in on his lips and eyes.

In all honesty, he reminded me a little of someone with autistic traits. Thanks to my nephew, I had conducted thorough research on the subject. Castiel didn't seem to grasp sarcasm easily or catch all the references in our jokes. Nevertheless, his ability to take humor and banter in good stride, even when not fully appreciating all the jokes, spoke volumes about his kindness and willingness to make an effort. Clearly, he desired connection with others and pushed himself beyond his comfort zone, even at the risk of potential embarrassment. It was a commendable quality, and I admired his unwavering commitment to those he cared about.

Damn it, why couldn't I stop thinking about him? He had already brought enough chaos into my life with his tales of angels, demons, and monsters. The last thing I needed was to fall in love-an absurdity beyond words.

On the other hand, admitting someone's physical attractiveness doesn't necessarily imply developing romantic feelings for them. Appreciating someone's looks is perfectly natural, without any romantic implications attached. Dean and Sam were undeniably attractive too. And even if they shared captivating green eyes, muscular builds, and an impressive height, (Sam stood taller than Dean, but this man was a true giant at 1.93m |6' 4"|) I was definitely not into them. They were almost family to me.

I reassured myself that these were just fleeting thoughts, nothing to be overly concerned about. After all, my life had become monotonous, and it was natural for my mind to wander and get easily distracted.

Castiel's POV:

Today, I found myself struggling to fully grasp the concept of teasing. It felt like another form of human affection that I hadn't quite understood yet. Dean, Sam, and even Joe, as I hope, were simply engaging in lighthearted banter and enjoying themselves. I couldn't help but feel a bit lost amidst the exchange, as if I were still learning the rules of this alien culture.

What baffled me the most were these seemingly silly jokes that elicited uproarious laughter from everyone. I struggled to comprehend the humor behind them. Yet, despite my confusion, I found myself wanting to laugh along with them. It's as if there's something more than just the words that makes them laugh. It's the intention and effort behind the jokes that they appreciate. That sense of connection they share through laughter feels incredibly beautiful, and I'm grateful to be included in it.

I find solace in Joe's presence when he doesn't question everything and simply tries to be present. He seems to have a deep understanding of the Winchesters, and I suspect he was truly a good old friend of theirs. However, I'm still uncertain about his intrusion into our lives and his persistent questioning about the supernatural, especially when he's unwilling to truly accept the answers. Nonetheless, his skills as a surgeon and doctor are invaluable, and I'm grateful for his assistance.

As I settled my mind for the day, an idea struck me. I observed how humans bring gifts to other patients to uplift their spirits for a speedy recovery. Tomorrow, I plan to get a gift for Sam as well. I believe he will appreciate the gesture, and it will serve as a small token of my gratitude towards him.